I have been trying to throw myself a pity party.
I have tried and tried but I just can't seem to do it.
Each time something new goes wrong (which is a minimum of once a day)I try really hard to feel sorry for myself.
I think horrible things like "This never would have happened if I hadn't been watching TV."
Or "I deserve this because I am such a terrible mother."
Or "If I read my scriptures more this stuff wouldn't be happening to me."
How about "If I were thinner I wouldn't have this problem."
"Nobody cares about me!"
"I am such a failure!"
Now, I might think these things for a little while. I might skulk around the house snarling at the kids for up to a few hours. But it just doesn't stick.
My home teacher show up.
I get a call or email from a friend out of the blue.
A scripture comes to mind that tells me the exact opposite of what I am telling myself.
I force myself to go to church and people ask how I am doing and help me with my kids and make me feel like the most loved person in the world.
Occasionally I simply get a little internal reprimand like "Knock it off! You know better! Now suck it up and get busy. You have work to do."
Those are some of my favorite moments. I kind of like a good butt-kickin' pep talk once in a while.
Sometimes I think I might be kind of fishing for compliments in those down moments. Could it be that I am in need of a little attention and that is why I get sulky and moody?
Maybe once in a while but usually I try to hide those moments from the world. My kids might see them more often than I care to acknowledge but other people are hopefully oblivious.
Once in a rare while I can't quite keep it in.
I was having one of those moments tonight. I had made cookies for the ward Christmas party and put them into the freezer so the frosting would set. When I opened the door a few moment later the cookies came crashing out to the floor and broke.
Let's just say that was the cookie that broke the camel's back. The dam that held back all the intensity and pressure of the past few weeks crumbled like those cookies and I LOST IT!!!
I was actually having a pretty good day before that happened. I had made the most amazing rolls ever! My kids actually got to go play outside.
Now I was sobbing uncontrollably. I could feel all the strain and heartache squeezing out of me like...I'll spare you from the graphic imagery. Just know that the toxic poisons were leaving and I actually felt some relief.
But as those initial flood-waters receded, I was left feeling devastated.
I decided to go to the Ward- Christmas party anyway. Several people spoke to me and asked how I was, not in a casual way but in a genuine, specific way. One person even called me "my friend" which meant so much in that lonely moment of grief. I also won a door prize.
I was going to skip the party. I was going to watch Glee for hours and ignore my kids and wallow in the fact that I am a total loser. I could so easily have thrown a HUGE and amazing pity party.
But I didn't. My kids and the Spirit and my ward family just wouldn't let me!