Mother's Day For The "Non-Mothers"

Mother's Day can be a painful day for those who don't have children. Before I had children of my own, Mother's Day was a reminder of what was expected of me as a Latter-Day Saint woman. It was a day to think about what I hoped I would be one day. It was a also a day to remind me that I was not a mother. Kind of like Valentine's Day for the single crowd, right?

It might be tempting to shun this holiday, to be bitter and hurt. You might see this day as a slap in the face.

Please don't.

Mother's Day should be a day to celebrate the institution of motherhood. The office of Mother, if you will. You don't need to be a mother or even a woman to do that.

When I was growing up our ward always gave the mothers a potted plant. Usually the Primary kids sang and made cards or something. Some mothers in the ward were recognized. The newest mother. The oldest mother. The mother with the most children. Being a child, I always felt impressed by these women. I thought they were women I should look up to and emulate. In many ways they were.

They were women of faith. They were women who had made sacrifices for those they loved. They had cared for those around them. They had taught others valuable skills and gospel truths.

Those traits had little to do with giving birth.

My family also visited my grandmothers on Mother's Day. This reminded me of how they had influenced my life by raising my parents. Of course, they also influenced me directly by teaching me many important lessons about life.

Since I began working consistently on my family history I have a deeper appreciation for those mothers who came before me. I come from a long line of mothers. All the way back to Eve! (even if I can't prove it!) Do their efforts mean nothing? The more I learn about my ancestors the more reverence I feel towards motherhood. I feel so grateful for those mothers who cared for their children generation after generation all the way down to me.

Most importantly, Mother's Day is a celebration of womanhood. Women do so much for society. Women are often teachers, nurses, and counselors. Women are creative, nurturing, and thoughtful. Women have a powerful influence. Women are compassionate and determined. Women are tender and beautiful.

All women are worth celebrating!

We Are Not Meant To Be Alone

 A few months ago I attended a Stake Relief Society Meeting. I almost didn't go. I had heard the announcements and received a little flier with some very basic information but that was it. I thought that since I was still pretty new to the area and I didn't really know many people I wouldn't get much out of it.

I. was. SO. wrong!

The theme was "Dancing in the Rain". The gym was beautifully decorated. White balloons were hanging from fishing line strung across the room, giving the appearance of raindrops. Beautiful open umbrellas lined the stage or hung around the edges of the room. There was soft lighting.

The program was a combination of music, speakers and a narration of quotes connecting it all. I never realized how often the rain analogy is used in songs, scriptures, quotes, and stories! The program seemed to touch on every possible aspect of that analogy.

During one of the talks, the speaker described all the things she had been feeling; discouraged, overwhelmed, lonely. She started to cry a little. An elderly sister was sitting in the front row. She walked up to the younger woman and stood behind her with her hand on her shoulder. The speaker composed herself and continued speaking with this sweet ladies hand on her shoulder the whole time.

This episode illustrated the message of the whole evening; we are not alone.

We each struggle.

We suffer.

We feel lonely.

We feel overwhelmed.

We feel discouraged.

We feel tempted.

We are challenged.

We are tested.

We are blessed.

I know, I KNOW, it feels like you are the only person who has ever been___________.

Or gone through _____________. 

It feels like no one could possibly understand.

But it's not true.

I know you have heard many, many times that the Savior is always there for you and knows what you are going through. That is true. But sometimes it feels too...cliche? Distant? Whatever it is, it isn't always enough. At least for me.

This is why the meeting was so important, especially the little old lady supporting the younger woman. It reminded me that we really are not alone. All around us are people who have struggled. Maybe not everyone is willing to help us but many are.

Sometimes I think that older people don't know what I am going through. I make excuses to ignore their advice, not because it is bad but because they are right. Instead of commiserating with me they give me perspective. Who wants that! (just kidding!)

They also give me hope. If they can get through it so can I!

When I was in college I often heard the phrase "God has no hands but ours." I thought it was kind of a wierd image at the time. Now I understand it.

When we reach out to one another, we are acting as the Savior would act and blessing others as he would bless them.

"A new commandment I give unto you,

That ye love one another;

as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples,

if ye have love one to another."

John 13:34

Superpowers 101: Bridge Building

September 24, 2011 was the General Relief Society Meeting of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was a wonderful meeting. Our local stake held an activity prior to the broadcast with light refreshments and a kind of show-and-tell from each ward Relief Society in the Stake. It was wonderful to see the service each group offers to the sisters in their ward and community.


I have attended many of these broadcasts. I have enjoyed the fellowship of Relief Society sisters from several countries and many states in the US. I have developed life-changing friendships with women of many different ages and family structures; single, married, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, childless, adoptive mothers, mothers with any number of children of every age. I have benefited richly from this fellowship. And I owe it all to Relief Society.

I was thinking all of this as I sat with sisters from my ward, munching treats and gabbing about random stuff. It felt good. Really good. I have always believed that no matter where in the world I go, if there is a Relief Society I will be home. What an amazing gift our Heavenly Father has given us! I really don't feel deserving!

(Now, hopefully you are all feeling this cozy, happy, comfort that I felt that night. You are reflecting on your own blessings from Relief Society.)

Just before we went into the chapel for the broadcast, our stake Young Women's President stood up. She shared her concerns for the young women of the stake. She pleaded with us to open our arms and hearts to them so they would not be turned off by the "old ladies" in Relief Society. She reminded us of the terrible losses during the single years when the young women are no longer "Young Women" but don't feel like they have a place in Relief Society either.

I honestly didn't hear most of the broadcast. I was so preoccupied with this issue. I know it is a serious one. It is not limited to our little corner of the world.

I thought about my own transition. It didn't seem so bad. Why?

Well, for one thing, when I was a teenager my mom was the Relief Society President in our ward so I got pretty familiar with the program. That year there was a request for us to do an on-going service project. Our ward made over 80 quilts for the local homeless shelter. The Young Women were invited to many Relief Society meetings to help tie quilts. While they did their "old lady" stuff we worked and talked. Because teenage girls can never talk enough, right?

After my mother was released our Young Women's President was called as the new Relief Society President. She had 2 daughters who were close to my age. I know that the Young Women of our ward were important to her. When my fellow Laurels and I were nearing graduation we were invited to Relief Society activities and there was even a special ceremony to welcome us. The details are a bit hazy but I remember being given a flower and thinking that it was really sweet of the RS Presidency to go to so much trouble. I guess they had the same concerns all those years ago.

Another factor that made my transition easy was the fellowship of the sisters in our ward. They were kind and friendly to the Young Women. I knew most of them and they were so eager to welcome me. I had my mother, grandmother, aunt, my cousin's wife, not to mention more distant relatives (yes, I came from one of "those" families!). We would joke and laugh and share gum or candies down the row. I felt I had joined some sort of club or... women's society...which I had. And they LOVED new members!

I also went to college in Utah. (That's kind of cheating, I know) I attended a student ward with students teaching and leading and doing Visiting Teaching. It was like playing "old lady". It wasn't that serious. Except that there were some girls in our ward with real problems. I discovered that while I was worried about which boy might like me and whether or not my hair was dumb, other girls my age were being raped, molested, and otherwise abused by boyfriends, neighbors and even family members. There were eating disorders and even substance abuse. Some were at BYU in the hopes that they could break out of their messed up worlds. For them, it was like going to a spiritual rehab clinic.

For me, it was like a crash course in how to put what I had learned into practice. For all the fake cheeriness that goes on in the church there is also suffering. Learning this lesson helped me grow up. Relief Society is not about knitting or baking. It isn't treat bags and scrapbooking. It is offering support to the suffering and comforting the needy. Befriending the lonely. It is lifting the fallen, strengthening, preparing, guiding, loving. It is WORK!!! And it is NOT for the faint of heart!

If we think Relief Society is for fun, for entertainment, for leisure, for friendship, we don't get it. Oh, sure. Relief Society provides all of that. But that isn't the true purpose. Relief Society is SO much more!

That is the message we need to send to our Young Women. And maybe ourselves. Service, kindness, love, these are not limited by age or marital status. They are not the interests of "old ladies" alone but all of Heavenly Father's children. With these stones in place, the bridge to Relief Society is easily passable.

How was your transition from Young Women to Relief Society?

Superwoman VS Peer Pressure

When I was growing up "peer pressure" might as well have been the Plague! It seemed that everyone was warning kids about the dangers of peer pressure, giving in to friends and society and everything else that might influence us to do "bad things". What I didn't realize then is that peer pressure doesn't go away as you get older, it just changes a little.

Kids are likely to feel pressured to drink, try drugs, have sex, or simply wear certain styles or tease other kids. Adults never have those temptations. Right? We cross some kind of magical threshold and are suddenly free of the burdens of trying to fit in. We no longer care about how we look or what others think of us. What a wonderful Utopian life adulthood must be....NOT!!!

Peer pressure is sometimes more subtle for adults. That can make it more dangerous. I remember being able to hide behind the law when my friends teased me about not drinking in high school. They didn't argue with "It is against the law, you know." When I was 21, I ended up in First Class on a flight back to college. The flight attendant offered me alcoholic drinks many times. She couldn't understand why I would refuse. "But they're free." she kept saying, as if that were the only reason I wouldn't want them.

That was the first time I had to really stand up to someone when it came to drinking. I thought "okay, I passed the test, now it will get easier. But that wasn't my only test. During deployments, military wives often turn to alcohol to escape their pain for a while. I was asked more than once how I could make it through without drinking. Living in European countries where drinking alcohol is like drinking water, I again had to explain that no, I wasn't interested in sampling the local beer, even if it was free.

Other kinds of peer pressures plague adults. How much money do you make? What things do you have? Where have you been on vacation? How smart or talented are your children? What sacrifices do you make for them? These are just a few points that have come up in my adult life. There is nothing wrong with them either, depending on how you look at them.

One problem we have as adults is trying to impose our life lessons and beliefs on each other. I can remember one mother being shocked that I didn't usually let my kids play in the bathtub. I saw baths as messy and time consuming so I gave them a "navy style" washing (wet, wash, rinse, dry). She lectured me on the importance of water play and how much our family was missing out on by not letting them have an actual bath.

Other parents have reacted equally appalled by our differences in reading time, bed time, diet, toys, clothing, hair care, cleaning products, well, pretty much everything!  I am not talking about offering opinions or advice, I have had a few people get really passionate about things! We can all find fault, or at least differences, if we are looking for them. The real question is should we be looking?

Several months ago, I attended a Relief Society lesson about Provident Living. As the class discussed various aspects of this frugal lifestyle, we started talking about coveting. I had always thought of this as a synonym for envy or jealousy. As we discussed the meaning of "coveting" I realized that it didn't necessarily mean wanting your neighbors horse. It might mean wanting one just like it. Maybe you don't want her kids, you want yours to be smarter of better behaved...like hers. Maybe you wish your house was like hers or you had a TV or computer or car like hers. Maybe you wish you had her body or hair color or fashion sense.

There is nothing wrong with having role models, even as adults. Watching and learning from the examples of others can make us try harder to become better people. The problem comes from overdoing it. Focusing on what others have instead of our own blessings makes us bitter and ungrateful. And we don't always know what opposition they my have in their lives. We are all sent here with a unique test to take. Copying doesn't do us any good.  The problems are different for each of us. Whether we pass or fail is ultimatly up to us.

Super Sisters

This past Saturday (September 26, 2009) was the General Relief Society Broadcast of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Women from around the world gathered to hear the words of our leaders and feel the spirit of sisterhood we share as members of this great organization. This happens every fall (for those who don't know). I especially looked forward to this year's conference, probably because it is something familiar after months of change. I thought about why this meeting is so special to me. Here are a few reasons I would like to share with you.

I am the oldest of six children and the only girl. Growing up with 5 younger brothers was challenging. My brothers were good to me, for the most part. But I have always felt a certain sense of loneliness. There are some things boys just don't get. My parents tried their best to make up for this but most of the time we had a majority rule so we tended to do lots of gender neutral activities...like camping and tree climbing.

One thing my parents did to make me feel special had to do with the Relief Society Broadcast. At that time, it was called the General Women's Broadcast and was for female members of our church over the age of 10. The year I turned 10, my parents made this meeting special by making a "fancy" dinner for my mother and me to share. We went together, as the only "women" in the house. I don't remember much except that Sister Elaine Jack was the General Relief Society President. Over the next several years I had many opportunities to hear her speak and even meet her a few times. I belief that her love for the women of the church is one of the reasons I love Relief Society so much.

Another strong memory I have of this meeting is from college. I attended BYU and was able to attend the General Relief Society Broadcast a few times in the Tabernacle at Temple Square. That was always a wonderful experience. The Tabernacle is specially designed to have exceptional acoustic qualities. Sitting in that beautiful building, surrounded by hundreds of valiant daughters of God, hearing the words of the Lord, and singing hymns of praise to Him...few moments in life can compare! There is a spiritual bond that comes in those moments that stretches over time and distance, testifying to every heart that we are all truly sisters.

In recent years, I have found that even when you are not physically present, that spirit of sisterhood and unity can be felt. For several years I lived in Europe and was not able to watch the conference live. Even watching it days later, by myself on a little computer screen, I could feel that bond with my sisters all over the world. Being so far from familiar people and places sometimes left me feeling isolated. This conference was a way of dissolving the distance. I KNEW that nearly every LDS woman I have ever met would be watching, listening, and feeling the Spirit. I was acutely aware that there were women all over the world being fed by the same spiritual feast. I was now more aware of their sacrifices and struggles to be a part of this great sisterhood and that made me love them even more.

This year, I thought I would get to attend the meeting with the local sisters for the first time in years. But things didn't really work out. I decided to watch it on the Internet again, feeling unexpectedly excited to see it live. There was very little said that was profound or new. To me, it was more of a reminder of who we are as sisters in the Relief Society. The simple truths penetrated my heart and filled me with excitement.

The next day at church was Fast and Testimony meeting. Several of the sisters shared their testimonies about the Broadcast and the spirit they felt. The feelings that were expressed mirrored my own. I was touched that even though I was not able to sit next to them I still shared in the experience.

All of these experiences have given me one very important gift; the knowledge that I am not alone. I may not have a biological sister but I have millions of sisters all over the world. I know that where ever I go in the world, I can find loving Relief Society sisters who share my beliefs, my feelings about the gospel, and my love for the Lord.

How to protect your secret identity

Years ago, I heard a theory that we compare our inner self with the outer self of others. I have found this to be true, especially for women. We know EVERYTHING about ourselves but we only see our peers at church or the store or a kids baseball game. We only get glimpses of them. We don't know what is going on "behind the scenes".

Some women work very hard at protecting this image. They actually live in fear that someone might find out that they are human. Others, like me, try to maintain the image people have of us without being too deceptive.

For example, I have never been able to make brownies from scratch. They always turn out dry and hard. So if I bring brownies to a function they are probably from a mix. But I don't advertise that fact. If someone comes up to me and says, "These brownies are really good." I just smile and say "Thank you."

This might seem dishonest but it isn't. I did buy the mix, follow the directions, and bring the very tasty and edible brownies to the event. Not everyone can do that. You probably know someone who ruins everything they touch, including brownies from a mix. So I am deserving of the praise.

Now, if someone asked my for the recipe, I would have to confess the whole truth. My conscience wouldn't allow me to take FULL credit for the brownies. Sometimes people are disappointed, sometimes they are thrilled. The idea that yummy, moist brownies can be theirs so easily is a relief.

Another example came a few years ago at Thanksgiving. We had invited another family over who also had a bunch of little kids. The frazzled mother looked around our tidy house and said sadly, "How do you do it?" Now if it had been some career woman with one child and a housekeeper, I would have let her think I was some amazing person who could do everything. But I knew immediately that she needed the truth.

"I have been cleaning for a week!" I said "And my husband and kids helped. I mean, this is Thanksgiving and we knew you were coming. Of course we cleaned. It doesn't look like this everyday." Her shoulders relaxed and she smiled. "I guess your right." she said brightly. "Our house is this clean sometimes too."

The point is that while our friends may not need to know everything about us, sometimes they need the truth. It's okay to "reveal" ourselves from time to time. Sometimes it makes us even more "Super".

How to make things look better than they really are.

For my first post I thought I would talk about something that I took me a while to learn. In fact I
am STILL learning this but at least I know it is important. And that all important skill is... (Drum roll please) Presentation! Are you disappointed? You shouldn't be. Many people overlook this simple way of making things look better than they really are. I mean, a frozen pizza served on that little piece of cardboard it came with is not nearly as appetizing as a frozen pizza served on a serving platter.

It is especially easy to do this with food. When I was growing up my mom usually just put the pot on the table. I thought people only used serving dishes for parties or special occasions. When I got married my husband was horrified that I tried putting a pot of food on the table. I didn't get it but I indulged him. Now I am the one who insists on using a serving dish of some kind.

I first realized how much difference presentation makes a few years ago at a church service project. Everyone had brought "fixin's" for sandwiches and piled them on a table. We were moving to a new church building and were all busy cleaning out closets and taking loads of junk or garbage to various locations.

As lunch time approached, I noticed that the table was literally a pile of food so I stopped what I was doing and tried to organize it. I thought I had done a good job of sorting everything out. It wasn't pretty but it was functional.

About the time I was ready to go back to work an elderly sister came over to the table. "This won't do at all." she said with more enthusiasm than I appreciated. Then she proceeded to open the paper plates and began rolling slices of lunch meat. Another lady came to help us and in only a few minutes the table looked as though it had been catered.

I was beside myself with shock. Everyone commented on how nice it looked and how wonderful everything was. It was hard to imagine that this was the same table of food.

From then on I tried to think of how I could make something look better just by arranging it differently. I still don't have the hang of it. But I try.