Mother's Day For The "Non-Mothers"

Mother's Day can be a painful day for those who don't have children. Before I had children of my own, Mother's Day was a reminder of what was expected of me as a Latter-Day Saint woman. It was a day to think about what I hoped I would be one day. It was a also a day to remind me that I was not a mother. Kind of like Valentine's Day for the single crowd, right?

It might be tempting to shun this holiday, to be bitter and hurt. You might see this day as a slap in the face.

Please don't.

Mother's Day should be a day to celebrate the institution of motherhood. The office of Mother, if you will. You don't need to be a mother or even a woman to do that.

When I was growing up our ward always gave the mothers a potted plant. Usually the Primary kids sang and made cards or something. Some mothers in the ward were recognized. The newest mother. The oldest mother. The mother with the most children. Being a child, I always felt impressed by these women. I thought they were women I should look up to and emulate. In many ways they were.

They were women of faith. They were women who had made sacrifices for those they loved. They had cared for those around them. They had taught others valuable skills and gospel truths.

Those traits had little to do with giving birth.

My family also visited my grandmothers on Mother's Day. This reminded me of how they had influenced my life by raising my parents. Of course, they also influenced me directly by teaching me many important lessons about life.

Since I began working consistently on my family history I have a deeper appreciation for those mothers who came before me. I come from a long line of mothers. All the way back to Eve! (even if I can't prove it!) Do their efforts mean nothing? The more I learn about my ancestors the more reverence I feel towards motherhood. I feel so grateful for those mothers who cared for their children generation after generation all the way down to me.

Most importantly, Mother's Day is a celebration of womanhood. Women do so much for society. Women are often teachers, nurses, and counselors. Women are creative, nurturing, and thoughtful. Women have a powerful influence. Women are compassionate and determined. Women are tender and beautiful.

All women are worth celebrating!

Who Exactly Are These So-Called "Experts"?

I have been blogging for about 3 1/2 years now. I get asked questions about parenting and kids and stuff like that and I wanted to 1) record those answers while I am still able to know what I am talking about and 2) make that information available to others.

Let's face it; none of us really know what we are doing. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. We learn some things from our parents and some things from our peers and some things through experience. Then there are the things we learn from "experts".

But just who are these so-called "experts"? Are they parents who have been in the thick of life, waging the daily battles against tantrums and messes? Probably not.

"Experts" are people who study what other parents do; in other words, they have a job. Even if these "studiers" have kids ( some don't!) their kids are probably in day care 40 + hours a week (or possibly have a nanny) so the parents are only with their own kids a few hours a day at most.

It is easy to put your kid to bed at the same time every night if you have to get up and be somewhere the next morning, day in day out, for their entire childhood.

It is easy to feed them healthy food if all you have to do is tell the person you are paying to do it or they will be fired.

It is easy to pay someone to potty train your child for you while you go off to research how other people do it.

I am sure there are lots of really dedicated parents out there who do the best they can with the time they have. I am not dissing them.

What I am gripping about is that so many people rely so heavily on what "experts" have to say. 

Why are we not looking to experienced parents for advice? Why are we not asking those in similar circumstances how to solve an issue? We rush to the "experts" for their advice instead. Why? You do realize that they change their mind about stuff ALL the time, right?

When my first child was born, I was the kind of parent I am describing. If the doctor didn't say he could eat it/do it/ wear it/use it I didn't even consider it. I was almost crippled by fear of doing the wrong thing. I didn't appreciate the advice I got from "experienced" mothers. They were outdated and possibly immune to the true needs of my precious baby.

Of course, when my youngest children were born, as little as 6 years later, I was often "corrected" by doctors and nurses who told me that "things have changed since then" and "we no longer recommend that". I was a ball of confusion. I was mortified that I was doing the "wrong" thing for my baby. I was ashamed that I had not stayed current on what was right for my children. And I was angry, very, VERY angry that I was made to feel this way by the very people I was supposed to rely on!

I came to realize that there is no magic bullet to destroy all the possible illnesses, injuries, and issues my child might have. Childhood research is a minefield of contradictory information. Let your child cry- Never let them cry. Vaccinate-Don't vaccinate. Bottle feed-Breastfeed. Keep them busy-Let them play. Drink milk- Avoid dairy. Eat grains-Avoid gluten. Eat vegetables and meat- But they might have diseases.

The real problem is that the "experts" lead us to believe that if we do the wrong thing disasters will ensue.

If our kids watch TV they will become violent idiots who will kill people but won't be able to confess because they will be too stupid to form complete sentences.

If you don't read to them they will never get a job and live with you for the rest of your life.

If you don't let them play sports they will never learn to work with others and grow up to be jerks.

If you don't expose them to art and music they will never have a creative thought and be mindless drones.

If they eat the wrong foods they might become allergic, or get food poisoning, or develop behavior issues, or have learning problems, or get really fat and all the issues that go along with that.

And it will ALL be YOUR fault!

Yes, I have issues with "experts". I admit that a part of me is really irritated that I have shared so much practical information on this public blog, exposing many of my own struggles and imperfections as a parent, and yet when an "expert" says the same thing it gets passed around the Internet like some kind of holy grail. I read these articles and thing"I wrote a post about that a while back." But apparently no one read it. Or they did and thought "Why should I listen to you? You're a nobody. But now that an "expert" has said it I will change my ways and do exactly what they say, (which is what you said months ago and I ignored you)."

There is some good information available, more than ever before. But sifting through it is a lot of work. And only rarely is there a disaster.

I have 2 friends with young adult children. I watched their kids grow up. The mothers have made very different choices. One bottle-fed, one breast-fed. One was strict, one was lenient. They both taught their kids right from wrong. Both fed their children, dressed them, sheltered them, corrected their behavior, taught them things. Loved them.

They have all turned out differently. I can see that sometimes it is because of the personalities of the children. Sometimes it is because of things the parents did or didn't do. Both mothers made choices that helped their kids. Both made choices that hurt their kids. Both did their best. All their kids grew up to be obnoxious, moody teenagers and fairly decent adults. No criminals, no disasters. Although they are all making their own mistakes now. It is part of life.

Why can't experts give advice like that? Love your kids. Help them. Teach them about the things you value. Be there for them when they make their own mistakes. And keep loving them.

Music Callings In The Church: Ward Choir

Being a Ward Choir Director was by far the most challenging calling I have ever had. I agonized over everything I did.

"Did I choose the right song?"

"Is it too difficult?"

"Is it too easy?"

"Can the pianist play this?"

"Should we do parts or just sing the melody?"

"Should I encourage my one Tenor to learn his part or let him sing with the sopranos?"

"Are we rehearsing too often? Not often enough? Is it a bad time?"

"If I bring food will they come sing? Should I really have to pay people to participate?"

"Why aren't the good singers coming? They hate must me! They know I am not very good at this and they are snubbing me. They are judging me. They are sending me a message that I am unacceptable!"

I don't think I have ever felt so much self-doubt about anything...except maybe motherhood!

I tried very hard to push these thoughts out. I focused on those who did come. I trusted that their willingness to be there would bless our efforts. And we were blessed.

I learned a lot from this calling, more than I ever expected.

Lesson 1: ALL callings require faith in the Lord.- Somehow I had come to the conclusion that I only needed to rely on the Lord if I "needed" help. Being choir director taught me that I ALWAYS need help! I needed to pray and ponder and study to do this calling well.

Lesson 2: No calling is an island.- This was actually not a new concept to me. It was just reaffirmed in ginormous flashing neon letters. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how much I prepared if no one showed up to sing. (Which actually happened more times than I care to remember!) Most callings in the church require participation from other ward members. When someone is called to serve in the church they are providing a service to others. The only thing they ask in return is support. As members we show our support by showing up to classes and meetings, activities and practices. Is that really too much to ask?

Sometimes I got the feeling that "good" singers didn't like to come to choir practice because they weren't getting anything out of it. I could say something about that but it might not be appropriate so I will let you draw your own conclulsions.

Lesson 3: Music is important!- I don't have all the answers but I do know that our Heavenly Father loves music. Music is a precious and powerful gift. Music can change our moods. Music can invite the Holy Ghost to comfort, inspire, and protect us in times of need. The scriptures are filled with references to singing. By disregarding music we cut ourselves off from a beautiful, sacred blessing.

Lesson 4: There is beauty in simplicity.- I know that there are many accomplished musicians in the world.  If I spend much time looking at their work I start to feel pretty crappy by comparison. The little choir I was responsible for had limited abilities. With time and experience, trial and error, I found the balance between beauty and simplicity. We weren't the MoTab so why try to be?

Lesson 5: The Lord blesses the righteous not the gifted.- A gifted person can be blessed also, of course. But the scripture actually says

"For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.." (D&C 25:12, emphasis added)

When we sing from the heart, we are blessed. I saw it often in our little choir. The members became confident in their abilities. They always sang better in the actual performance than in any rehearsals. The congregation felt the Spirit. When we sang for the Lord, he blessed our efforts.

I know that callings like this one can be frustrating. It is part of the learning process. But it can also be very rewarding. Never in my life did I understand Ether:12:27 better than I did as a choir director.

"I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Music Callings In The Church: Playing The Piano

I didn't take piano lessons consistently. Each time I restarted lessons I had to play catch-up for a while. I also had to try to break bad habits I had adopted in the intervals. And I happen to be a perfectionist so I wanted to play everything perfectly, each note and rhythm exactly as it is written.

I never mastered any of this. I love playing but my varied experiences have left me with limited abilities. For many years I have compared myself to accomplished professionals and lamented my many flaws. For example, my teachers often chastised me for playing by ear or memorizing instead of reading the music. I have long accepted this as a weakness.

During the past couple of years I have realized that the opposite is true. I am not saying that I don't have room for improvement. What I have realized is that I need to use my abilities to my advantage and compensate for my limitations.

Here are a few tips and tricks that I have learned from experience.

1. Play through a hymn first. Sometimes I surprise myself. Something a hymn I thought was unfamiliar or difficult turns out to be quite simple. Once I determine the difficulty and my ability to play the hymn as written, I decide if I can make it work.

2. Like most novices, I can play better with my right hand. I could play almost any hymn with just that hand but it doesn't sound complete. I prefer not to do this. One way to alter a difficult hymn is to just play whole-note chords with the left hand. "Love At Home" (Hymns, 294) is an excellent hymn for this trick. In the first measure, I would play the first notes as a whole note, the second measure I would play the first two chords as a half-note and the other half note as written, and so on.

3. Sometimes I simply can't reach all the notes, especially in the bass clef
(the bottom, left-hand notes). I have found that playing the very bottom notes, along with the upper, right hand notes, creates a fuller sound but is somewhat easier to play. It takes practice to figure out which notes to play and which to leave out. Some examples of hymns that work well with this trick are "Rejoice, the Lord Is King" (Hymns, 66) and "As Sisters In Zion" (Hymns, 309)

4. Sometimes the hymn is written in a key that is hard for me. Now you can go to LDS.org and transpose the hymns into a different key with the click of a button! Just print it and play it. Most people won't notice and those who do should keep their mouths shut! What matters is that it helps you fulfill your calling and invite the Spirit into the meeting. *Note: be mindful of the vocal range of those singing. If it is too high or too low it will be uncomfortable to the singers and detract from the music.

Example: "How Firm A Foundation", (Hymns, 85) is written in the key of A flat Major (4 flats). By clicking the down arrow once, it is in G major, with just one sharp.  But if you continue adjusting up or down you not only get lots of sharps or flats but the song will be in an unrealistic vocal range.

 

 

If you have been called and set apart as a pianist it is up to you to find a way to fulfill that calling. An don't forget, music is a creative art form. So be creative! 

Superpowers 101: Finding Time To Read

I love books. I honestly have kind of a hoarding/addiction type attachment for books, especially really beautiful children's picture books. I can NOT pass a Jan Brett book without buying it! (That is why I never go to books stores!)

My quirky vices aside, reading is very powerful to me. I love to finish a book and feel as if I have said goodbye to dear friends. I love that urge I feel to tell my husband about the exciting twist I just read when he asks if anything interesting happened that day. I love the combination of words to form patterns and rhythms that can lull me to sleep at night or create a kind of literary symphony.

Since early childhood I have also loved writing. It is like a fantastic word puzzle that only a select few can solve!

Every author who is asked about the craft gives the same advice to potential writers: READ!

So that is what I started doing.

Not just reading for fun (although I do enjoy it!) but reading to educate myself. For example, if I was reading Harry Potter I might look at the way J.K. Rowling uses point of view to keep the reader in the dark about certain mysteries. If I am reading a book that I don't like, I ask why. Is it the wording? The Characters? The story itself? All this helps me learn the good and bad of writing.

Between simple pleasure and learning a useful skill, I feel compelled to read. Well, now I do. For many years I barely read anything. For one thing, I didn't know what to read. I needed to find a genre that appealed to me. Once I did, I had to make reading a priority.

The first step was reading to my children. I started reading to them at nap time until they fell asleep. I sometimes read kids books but I usually read whatever I wanted to read. The kids would be asleep in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I would keep reading to myself for a little while. Reading aloud had many unexpected benefits for me.

As I began to read more, I started finding other ways to steal a few minutes of reading.

• I read while I waited for the water to boil or the brownies to bake at dinner time.
• I take the book to the bathroom  (honestly the only moments of semi-privacy I get some days!).
• I read for a few minutes at night before going to sleep. 
• I wake the kids in the mornings then read while they eat and get dressed for the day.
• I used to read while I waited for the bus in the afternoons (when I had to drive to the bus stop).
• I take a book with me to all appointments.
• I bring a book with me to youth activities at church. (I wait while the kids participate)
• I like listening to Audio books while I clean, especially a really indepth job. It helps the work go faster!

There are unused minutes in every day. Once you get into a book, one that is hard to put down, you will discover time you never knew you had!