Mother's Day can be a painful day for those who don't have children. Before I had children of my own, Mother's Day was a reminder of what was expected of me as a Latter-Day Saint woman. It was a day to think about what I hoped I would be one day. It was a also a day to remind me that I was not a mother. Kind of like Valentine's Day for the single crowd, right?
It might be tempting to shun this holiday, to be bitter and hurt. You might see this day as a slap in the face.
Please don't.
Mother's Day should be a day to celebrate the institution of motherhood. The office of Mother, if you will. You don't need to be a mother or even a woman to do that.
When I was growing up our ward always gave the mothers a potted plant. Usually the Primary kids sang and made cards or something. Some mothers in the ward were recognized. The newest mother. The oldest mother. The mother with the most children. Being a child, I always felt impressed by these women. I thought they were women I should look up to and emulate. In many ways they were.
They were women of faith. They were women who had made sacrifices for those they loved. They had cared for those around them. They had taught others valuable skills and gospel truths.
Those traits had little to do with giving birth.
My family also visited my grandmothers on Mother's Day. This reminded me of how they had influenced my life by raising my parents. Of course, they also influenced me directly by teaching me many important lessons about life.
Since I began working consistently on my family history I have a deeper appreciation for those mothers who came before me. I come from a long line of mothers. All the way back to Eve! (even if I can't prove it!) Do their efforts mean nothing? The more I learn about my ancestors the more reverence I feel towards motherhood. I feel so grateful for those mothers who cared for their children generation after generation all the way down to me.
Most importantly, Mother's Day is a celebration of womanhood. Women do so much for society. Women are often teachers, nurses, and counselors. Women are creative, nurturing, and thoughtful. Women have a powerful influence. Women are compassionate and determined. Women are tender and beautiful.
All women are worth celebrating!
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Who Exactly Are These So-Called "Experts"?
I have been blogging for about 3 1/2 years now. I get asked questions about parenting and kids and stuff like that and I wanted to 1) record those answers while I am still able to know what I am talking about and 2) make that information available to others.
Let's face it; none of us really know what we are doing. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. We learn some things from our parents and some things from our peers and some things through experience. Then there are the things we learn from "experts".
But just who are these so-called "experts"? Are they parents who have been in the thick of life, waging the daily battles against tantrums and messes? Probably not.
"Experts" are people who study what other parents do; in other words, they have a job. Even if these "studiers" have kids ( some don't!) their kids are probably in day care 40 + hours a week (or possibly have a nanny) so the parents are only with their own kids a few hours a day at most.
It is easy to put your kid to bed at the same time every night if you have to get up and be somewhere the next morning, day in day out, for their entire childhood.
It is easy to feed them healthy food if all you have to do is tell the person you are paying to do it or they will be fired.
It is easy to pay someone to potty train your child for you while you go off to research how other people do it.
I am sure there are lots of really dedicated parents out there who do the best they can with the time they have. I am not dissing them.
What I am gripping about is that so many people rely so heavily on what "experts" have to say.
Why are we not looking to experienced parents for advice? Why are we not asking those in similar circumstances how to solve an issue? We rush to the "experts" for their advice instead. Why? You do realize that they change their mind about stuff ALL the time, right?
When my first child was born, I was the kind of parent I am describing. If the doctor didn't say he could eat it/do it/ wear it/use it I didn't even consider it. I was almost crippled by fear of doing the wrong thing. I didn't appreciate the advice I got from "experienced" mothers. They were outdated and possibly immune to the true needs of my precious baby.
Of course, when my youngest children were born, as little as 6 years later, I was often "corrected" by doctors and nurses who told me that "things have changed since then" and "we no longer recommend that". I was a ball of confusion. I was mortified that I was doing the "wrong" thing for my baby. I was ashamed that I had not stayed current on what was right for my children. And I was angry, very, VERY angry that I was made to feel this way by the very people I was supposed to rely on!
I came to realize that there is no magic bullet to destroy all the possible illnesses, injuries, and issues my child might have. Childhood research is a minefield of contradictory information. Let your child cry- Never let them cry. Vaccinate-Don't vaccinate. Bottle feed-Breastfeed. Keep them busy-Let them play. Drink milk- Avoid dairy. Eat grains-Avoid gluten. Eat vegetables and meat- But they might have diseases.
The real problem is that the "experts" lead us to believe that if we do the wrong thing disasters will ensue.
If our kids watch TV they will become violent idiots who will kill people but won't be able to confess because they will be too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you don't read to them they will never get a job and live with you for the rest of your life.
If you don't let them play sports they will never learn to work with others and grow up to be jerks.
If you don't expose them to art and music they will never have a creative thought and be mindless drones.
If they eat the wrong foods they might become allergic, or get food poisoning, or develop behavior issues, or have learning problems, or get really fat and all the issues that go along with that.
And it will ALL be YOUR fault!
Yes, I have issues with "experts". I admit that a part of me is really irritated that I have shared so much practical information on this public blog, exposing many of my own struggles and imperfections as a parent, and yet when an "expert" says the same thing it gets passed around the Internet like some kind of holy grail. I read these articles and thing"I wrote a post about that a while back." But apparently no one read it. Or they did and thought "Why should I listen to you? You're a nobody. But now that an "expert" has said it I will change my ways and do exactly what they say, (which is what you said months ago and I ignored you)."
There is some good information available, more than ever before. But sifting through it is a lot of work. And only rarely is there a disaster.
I have 2 friends with young adult children. I watched their kids grow up. The mothers have made very different choices. One bottle-fed, one breast-fed. One was strict, one was lenient. They both taught their kids right from wrong. Both fed their children, dressed them, sheltered them, corrected their behavior, taught them things. Loved them.
They have all turned out differently. I can see that sometimes it is because of the personalities of the children. Sometimes it is because of things the parents did or didn't do. Both mothers made choices that helped their kids. Both made choices that hurt their kids. Both did their best. All their kids grew up to be obnoxious, moody teenagers and fairly decent adults. No criminals, no disasters. Although they are all making their own mistakes now. It is part of life.
Why can't experts give advice like that? Love your kids. Help them. Teach them about the things you value. Be there for them when they make their own mistakes. And keep loving them.
Let's face it; none of us really know what we are doing. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. We learn some things from our parents and some things from our peers and some things through experience. Then there are the things we learn from "experts".
But just who are these so-called "experts"? Are they parents who have been in the thick of life, waging the daily battles against tantrums and messes? Probably not.
"Experts" are people who study what other parents do; in other words, they have a job. Even if these "studiers" have kids ( some don't!) their kids are probably in day care 40 + hours a week (or possibly have a nanny) so the parents are only with their own kids a few hours a day at most.
It is easy to put your kid to bed at the same time every night if you have to get up and be somewhere the next morning, day in day out, for their entire childhood.
It is easy to feed them healthy food if all you have to do is tell the person you are paying to do it or they will be fired.
It is easy to pay someone to potty train your child for you while you go off to research how other people do it.
I am sure there are lots of really dedicated parents out there who do the best they can with the time they have. I am not dissing them.
What I am gripping about is that so many people rely so heavily on what "experts" have to say.
Why are we not looking to experienced parents for advice? Why are we not asking those in similar circumstances how to solve an issue? We rush to the "experts" for their advice instead. Why? You do realize that they change their mind about stuff ALL the time, right?
When my first child was born, I was the kind of parent I am describing. If the doctor didn't say he could eat it/do it/ wear it/use it I didn't even consider it. I was almost crippled by fear of doing the wrong thing. I didn't appreciate the advice I got from "experienced" mothers. They were outdated and possibly immune to the true needs of my precious baby.
Of course, when my youngest children were born, as little as 6 years later, I was often "corrected" by doctors and nurses who told me that "things have changed since then" and "we no longer recommend that". I was a ball of confusion. I was mortified that I was doing the "wrong" thing for my baby. I was ashamed that I had not stayed current on what was right for my children. And I was angry, very, VERY angry that I was made to feel this way by the very people I was supposed to rely on!
I came to realize that there is no magic bullet to destroy all the possible illnesses, injuries, and issues my child might have. Childhood research is a minefield of contradictory information. Let your child cry- Never let them cry. Vaccinate-Don't vaccinate. Bottle feed-Breastfeed. Keep them busy-Let them play. Drink milk- Avoid dairy. Eat grains-Avoid gluten. Eat vegetables and meat- But they might have diseases.
The real problem is that the "experts" lead us to believe that if we do the wrong thing disasters will ensue.
If our kids watch TV they will become violent idiots who will kill people but won't be able to confess because they will be too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you don't read to them they will never get a job and live with you for the rest of your life.
If you don't let them play sports they will never learn to work with others and grow up to be jerks.
If you don't expose them to art and music they will never have a creative thought and be mindless drones.
If they eat the wrong foods they might become allergic, or get food poisoning, or develop behavior issues, or have learning problems, or get really fat and all the issues that go along with that.
And it will ALL be YOUR fault!
Yes, I have issues with "experts". I admit that a part of me is really irritated that I have shared so much practical information on this public blog, exposing many of my own struggles and imperfections as a parent, and yet when an "expert" says the same thing it gets passed around the Internet like some kind of holy grail. I read these articles and thing"I wrote a post about that a while back." But apparently no one read it. Or they did and thought "Why should I listen to you? You're a nobody. But now that an "expert" has said it I will change my ways and do exactly what they say, (which is what you said months ago and I ignored you)."
There is some good information available, more than ever before. But sifting through it is a lot of work. And only rarely is there a disaster.
I have 2 friends with young adult children. I watched their kids grow up. The mothers have made very different choices. One bottle-fed, one breast-fed. One was strict, one was lenient. They both taught their kids right from wrong. Both fed their children, dressed them, sheltered them, corrected their behavior, taught them things. Loved them.
They have all turned out differently. I can see that sometimes it is because of the personalities of the children. Sometimes it is because of things the parents did or didn't do. Both mothers made choices that helped their kids. Both made choices that hurt their kids. Both did their best. All their kids grew up to be obnoxious, moody teenagers and fairly decent adults. No criminals, no disasters. Although they are all making their own mistakes now. It is part of life.
Why can't experts give advice like that? Love your kids. Help them. Teach them about the things you value. Be there for them when they make their own mistakes. And keep loving them.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Greatness: God VS The World
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
I love adventure stories. Movies, TV shows, books. Fantasy, Science Fiction, History. Anything that illustrates excitement, action, heroism. The characters (or real people in the case of a historical event) might not become well-known for their efforts but they do something that touches many lives. They save the world, defeat the bad guy, restore the balance of power, etc.
Sometimes they are underdog stories. A lowly person becomes a great ruler. A struggling student becomes accomplished in their field of study. A nobody becomes a somebody.
The string running through all of these stories is that all of the hero accomplish something the world recognizes as great. Maybe their efforts are unheralded by the world at large during their lifetime. Maybe the character's deeds are unknown in his make-believe world. But to us, the audience, the students of the past, the listeners of their stories, they accomplish something extraordinary.
In my younger days, I looked at my life through a fog of possibilities. My future was an exciting mystery. I could be anything, do anything. Many people in my circle of influence told me that I would do great things some day.
As a Latter-Day Saint youth, I often heard quotes and council from leaders heralding the great work my generation would accomplish. I heard the stories of the restoration and pioneers trek west, the building of Zion and their baptism by fire as they struggled and suffered. I heard these people described as "great" and their efforts as "mighty". I envisioned mythic figures, bold and brave as they ran forward towards any task.
My own life is not over, of course, but it is not exactly what I expected either. It is messy and mundane and frustrating and complicated. I often feel that I have not lived up to expectations. I am supposed to accomplish great things and I'm stuck here in this house with a bunch of kids and an endless list of chores. Major fail, right?
Through the eyes of age, I see the heroic stories of the past with a little less glitter. I can imagine the pain and heartache associated with their trials. I know how difficult their choices must have been at the time. I realize how frightening life must have been at times. And I realize there were many days filled with the messy and mundane. No one escapes that.
"But I am supposed to do something great. My life has a special mission!"
And what might that be, exactly?
The world tells us greatness and success in life must be like those stories I love. We have to be the underdog who fights until he wins. We have to become famous for something. We have to do something that changes lives.
Right?
I recently read this story from "Teachings Of The Presidents Of The Church: Lorenzo Snow". As a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Lorenzo Snow received word that a friend's daughter had passed away. He immediately went to their home and gave the child a priesthood blessing.
During the administration I was particularly impressed with some of the words which he used and can well remember them now. He said: ‘Dear Ella, I command you, in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ, to come back and live, your mission is not ended. You shall yet live to perform a great mission.’ He said she should yet live to rear a large family and be a comfort to her parents and friends. I well remember these words.
The daughter was soon revived. And what of her "great mission"?
When Ella had been in the spirit world, she had felt such peace and happiness that she had not wanted to return. But she obeyed the voice of President Snow. From that very day, she comforted family members and friends, helping them understand that they did not need to mourn for their loved ones who had died. Later she married, had eight children, and served faithfully in her Church callings.
That's it? She comforted people. She had 8 kids. She served faithfully. The end.
What? She was raised from the dead for that? She didn't become the first woman president or a famous artist? She didn't find a cure for some horrible disease? Did her kids do something important? Come on! Give me something to work with here! What kid of ending is that?
That's what the world would say, isn't it? That story is a let down from a worldly perspective.
But not to our Heavenly Father. What does he call "great"?
At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Matt. 18:1-4)
But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. (Matt. 23:11)
Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. (Matt. 22:36)
Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. (D&C 64:33)
Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God...And if it so be that you should labor all your days ... and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! (D&C 18:16)
The scriptures contain hundreds of references to Heavenly Father's definition of greatness. Obedience, humility, love, service to others, these are what make us great in his eyes. Motherhood embodies them all.
Next time you feel that you have somehow failed because you are wiping noses instead of curing cancer or battling for world peace, take a step back and look at yourself through heaven's eyes. What will you see?
Monday, February 25, 2013
Superpowers 101: A Good Night's Sleep
Many mothers believe that once their child is born they will never, EVER, sleep again.
NOT TRUE!
Newborns, of course, usually wake up every few hours to eat. That can't be helped. Older kids will have nightmares. Sickness inevitably strikes in the wee hours. Beyond that, adequate sleep is NOT just a distant fantasy for parents.
The first thing you have to do is take a good, hard look at your situation. It is very possible that the reason you aren't sleeping is you!
Are you insecure about your parenting abilities?
Do you feel you are neglecting your child if you are not with them every moment?
Do you think crying = mommy screwed up?
Do you believe that you are somehow making your child better by "sacrificing" your sleep for him?
If you said yes to any of those questions then you are mistaken.
Think about this: what is a parent's role? To prepare their children for adulthood. Sleep is good for kids. They grow when they are asleep. They are happier when they are well rested. (Ditto for you)They are developing habits that will last the rest of their lives.
So, mommy, suck it and sacrifice your feelings for the good of your child!
Here are my guidelines for a good sleeper ( I wouldn't really bother before they are 6 months old. Infants need lots of attention around the clock!)
1. Don't rush in every time they make a sound. Some people are of the opinion that if their child might be crying and they don't get immediate attention they will be scarred for life. Others will let their kids scream and cry for hours. In my opinion, both are wrong. It's okay to let your child cry for a few minutes. If it is in the middle of the night, they might not even be awake. Give them a little space to figure things out. Eventually, they will have to learn to take care of themselves (unless you are planning to let them live with you for the rest of your lives!)
2. Try new things. Children change as they grow and develop. They might develop a fear of the dark. Trying a nightlight could help. Maybe they need a bedtime snack. Maybe they are cold or hot at night. My kids seemed to need reassurance that I would be there when they woke up so "see you in the morning" has become part of our nightly routine. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. Experiment and see what works. Just remember the goal is sleep for everyone!
3. Don't reward night waking. It is so tempting to cuddle your baby, sing them lullabies, rock them to sleep, hold them in your arms and stare into their beautiful, angelic face. Do that stuff during the day. If your baby is getting lots attention from you at night they will keep waking up. Instead, keep the lights off, keep the cuddling to a minimum, don't sit on the couch and watch TV with them. Let them know sleep is the only option.
4. Remember who's in charge. That would be you. Parenting sometimes means doing the hard things for the right reasons. If your child is healthy, well-fed, clean, and loved, you are a great mom. Don't let them manipulate you into staying up all night playing and reading and hugging. You don't have to be mean. Just firm. Put them in bed and walk away. (It's okay if you go to your room and cry just don't let them know!)
5. You don't have to be mean to win. I am always shocked when I hear someone say "Oh, don't make them take a nap! That's so mean!" Seriously? No, I don't buy it. It is not mean to make them sleep. Kids need sleep. Parents need sleep. It isn't mean to want a basic human need. If you loose your temper because you are exhausted and you scream and cry and throw things then yeah, that's not good. But saying "Baby, it's time for bed. You need to go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning. Good Night" and then walking away, that's not mean.
6. Consistency is key. I used to think that meant never making exceptions, being ridged and immovable. But I have learned that consistency is much easier than that. In the case of sleeping, consistency simply means making sleep the priority. Maybe you give in sometimes. Maybe you let them stay up a little late once in while. It's okay. But if a good night's sleep is the goal you have to make that clear. You have to keep going back to it and keep doing what you need to do to get it.
7. Be a team. One of the best things my husband has done for me is be on my side in the sleep wars. He is often the voice of reason that says "Send them back to their own bed" when we have night time visitors. He reminds me of my ultimate goal and the consequences of giving in. Without him, I would be a sleep-deprived lunatic!
8. Don't fall for their excuses. As kids get a little older, they start trying to find ways to stay up. Don't fall for it. Make sure they go to the bathroom and get a drink before bed. When they need more tell them "Too bad! You can do that in the morning." They will keep trying and keep getting away with it if you let them.
It might take time. It will definitely take patience and determination. But it can be done!
NOT TRUE!
Newborns, of course, usually wake up every few hours to eat. That can't be helped. Older kids will have nightmares. Sickness inevitably strikes in the wee hours. Beyond that, adequate sleep is NOT just a distant fantasy for parents.
The first thing you have to do is take a good, hard look at your situation. It is very possible that the reason you aren't sleeping is you!
Are you insecure about your parenting abilities?
Do you feel you are neglecting your child if you are not with them every moment?
Do you think crying = mommy screwed up?
Do you believe that you are somehow making your child better by "sacrificing" your sleep for him?
If you said yes to any of those questions then you are mistaken.
Think about this: what is a parent's role? To prepare their children for adulthood. Sleep is good for kids. They grow when they are asleep. They are happier when they are well rested. (Ditto for you)They are developing habits that will last the rest of their lives.
So, mommy, suck it and sacrifice your feelings for the good of your child!
Here are my guidelines for a good sleeper ( I wouldn't really bother before they are 6 months old. Infants need lots of attention around the clock!)
1. Don't rush in every time they make a sound. Some people are of the opinion that if their child might be crying and they don't get immediate attention they will be scarred for life. Others will let their kids scream and cry for hours. In my opinion, both are wrong. It's okay to let your child cry for a few minutes. If it is in the middle of the night, they might not even be awake. Give them a little space to figure things out. Eventually, they will have to learn to take care of themselves (unless you are planning to let them live with you for the rest of your lives!)
2. Try new things. Children change as they grow and develop. They might develop a fear of the dark. Trying a nightlight could help. Maybe they need a bedtime snack. Maybe they are cold or hot at night. My kids seemed to need reassurance that I would be there when they woke up so "see you in the morning" has become part of our nightly routine. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. Experiment and see what works. Just remember the goal is sleep for everyone!
3. Don't reward night waking. It is so tempting to cuddle your baby, sing them lullabies, rock them to sleep, hold them in your arms and stare into their beautiful, angelic face. Do that stuff during the day. If your baby is getting lots attention from you at night they will keep waking up. Instead, keep the lights off, keep the cuddling to a minimum, don't sit on the couch and watch TV with them. Let them know sleep is the only option.
4. Remember who's in charge. That would be you. Parenting sometimes means doing the hard things for the right reasons. If your child is healthy, well-fed, clean, and loved, you are a great mom. Don't let them manipulate you into staying up all night playing and reading and hugging. You don't have to be mean. Just firm. Put them in bed and walk away. (It's okay if you go to your room and cry just don't let them know!)
5. You don't have to be mean to win. I am always shocked when I hear someone say "Oh, don't make them take a nap! That's so mean!" Seriously? No, I don't buy it. It is not mean to make them sleep. Kids need sleep. Parents need sleep. It isn't mean to want a basic human need. If you loose your temper because you are exhausted and you scream and cry and throw things then yeah, that's not good. But saying "Baby, it's time for bed. You need to go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning. Good Night" and then walking away, that's not mean.
6. Consistency is key. I used to think that meant never making exceptions, being ridged and immovable. But I have learned that consistency is much easier than that. In the case of sleeping, consistency simply means making sleep the priority. Maybe you give in sometimes. Maybe you let them stay up a little late once in while. It's okay. But if a good night's sleep is the goal you have to make that clear. You have to keep going back to it and keep doing what you need to do to get it.
7. Be a team. One of the best things my husband has done for me is be on my side in the sleep wars. He is often the voice of reason that says "Send them back to their own bed" when we have night time visitors. He reminds me of my ultimate goal and the consequences of giving in. Without him, I would be a sleep-deprived lunatic!
8. Don't fall for their excuses. As kids get a little older, they start trying to find ways to stay up. Don't fall for it. Make sure they go to the bathroom and get a drink before bed. When they need more tell them "Too bad! You can do that in the morning." They will keep trying and keep getting away with it if you let them.
It might take time. It will definitely take patience and determination. But it can be done!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Lessons From The Move, Part 3.1
I recently read a post called Mom Stays In The Picture by Allison Tate. It points out how often moms avoid pictures for, oh, so many reasons and explains how important it is that we mothers document our own efforts.
It really hit home for me. We have VERY few pictures of me. The kids have asked what I looked like when I was pregnant with them and I have nothing to show. We have a few hideous pictures from hospitals and other post-natal pics. My older kids used to try taking pictures of me and they are...very good for a 4 or 5-year-old.
My husband is not big on pictures but has tried from time to time. He invariably tries for candid...which means I have my mouth opened or my eyes closed or am in some other compromised position.
*Sigh.*
But this article really rang true for me. I had just embarked on a very touching journey into my photographic family history. You know what? I didn't look at a single picture and think "Look at her disgusting fatness!" Or "Oh my gosh, how many wrinkles does she have!"
Each one was a glimpse into the lives of real people who directly impacted my life by someting as unexciting as raising a child. I was fascinated to see what they looked like, to see the houses in the back ground, the clothes they were wearing.
I felt so much gratitude for those women ( and the men, too!) who had made thousands of tiny choices to work, live, love, teach, guide, care for and otherwise be involved in the lives of their children day after day, year after year.
It really hit home for me. We have VERY few pictures of me. The kids have asked what I looked like when I was pregnant with them and I have nothing to show. We have a few hideous pictures from hospitals and other post-natal pics. My older kids used to try taking pictures of me and they are...very good for a 4 or 5-year-old.
My husband is not big on pictures but has tried from time to time. He invariably tries for candid...which means I have my mouth opened or my eyes closed or am in some other compromised position.
*Sigh.*
But this article really rang true for me. I had just embarked on a very touching journey into my photographic family history. You know what? I didn't look at a single picture and think "Look at her disgusting fatness!" Or "Oh my gosh, how many wrinkles does she have!"
Each one was a glimpse into the lives of real people who directly impacted my life by someting as unexciting as raising a child. I was fascinated to see what they looked like, to see the houses in the back ground, the clothes they were wearing.
I felt so much gratitude for those women ( and the men, too!) who had made thousands of tiny choices to work, live, love, teach, guide, care for and otherwise be involved in the lives of their children day after day, year after year.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Superpowers 101: Changing A Diaper
I have been meaning to write this for a while. I know that it might seem easy. I know that some of you are fairly experienced with diapering. Still, I thought I would share a few ideas that have worked for me to make this chore quick and simple.
Before I go on, let me remind you that I had 4 (FOUR!!!) children in diapers for about 6 months. So when I say this is the bare-bones, simplest way to do it, I know what I am talking about.
What you need:
1. a clean diaper
2. wipes
optional, only as needed: ointment, change of clothes, toy for distraction
What to do:
1. Lay the baby on the floor.
2. Open the clothes and move out of the way
3. Place clean diaper under the baby's bottom.
4. Open wipes and get one ready to use
5. Open the soiled diaper and clean as quickly as possible. If the diaper is "messy" use the diaper to wipe some of the "messy" off before using the wipe.
6. Remove soiled diaper and place to the side.
7. Close clean diaper, clothes, etc.
8. Close soiled diaper and throw away.
If the child is trying to help, distract them with a toy; something to keep their hands occupied. If there is a rash, apply ointments as needed.
That's it! I never liked changing tables. If I need to run get something I can leave them on the floor without worrying about them falling. (Although they might get stepped on if you have other children around!) I also found that there were really very few messes if I was fast. A diaper was just as good at absorbing an unexpected shower as anything else. A mat would need to be washed. A diaper could be thrown away.
What about the environment? Who cares?! Just kidding. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to make choices...like saving the world or saving your sanity! I choose to make my crazy life as simple and hassle-free as possible.
Happy Diapering!
Before I go on, let me remind you that I had 4 (FOUR!!!) children in diapers for about 6 months. So when I say this is the bare-bones, simplest way to do it, I know what I am talking about.
What you need:
1. a clean diaper
2. wipes
optional, only as needed: ointment, change of clothes, toy for distraction
What to do:
1. Lay the baby on the floor.
2. Open the clothes and move out of the way
3. Place clean diaper under the baby's bottom.
4. Open wipes and get one ready to use
5. Open the soiled diaper and clean as quickly as possible. If the diaper is "messy" use the diaper to wipe some of the "messy" off before using the wipe.
6. Remove soiled diaper and place to the side.
7. Close clean diaper, clothes, etc.
8. Close soiled diaper and throw away.
If the child is trying to help, distract them with a toy; something to keep their hands occupied. If there is a rash, apply ointments as needed.
That's it! I never liked changing tables. If I need to run get something I can leave them on the floor without worrying about them falling. (Although they might get stepped on if you have other children around!) I also found that there were really very few messes if I was fast. A diaper was just as good at absorbing an unexpected shower as anything else. A mat would need to be washed. A diaper could be thrown away.
What about the environment? Who cares?! Just kidding. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to make choices...like saving the world or saving your sanity! I choose to make my crazy life as simple and hassle-free as possible.
Happy Diapering!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Superwoman and the Quest for the Perfect Pencil Sharpener
My first child started school 7 years ago. That day was the beginning of my quest for a quality pencil sharpener. I have purchased dozens of cheap, plastic manual sharpeners with varying results. Ultimately they all fail in some way and end up in the garbage.
A few years ago I broke down and bought a small electric sharpener. The children managed to break the power cord in two after only a few months!
This year alone I have purchased 3 manual sharpeners, all are broken or lost. And school started 2 weeks ago!
I have looked at department stores for an inexpensive, quality pencil sharpener with no luck. They are all crap!
I used to work in a pencil sharpener factory. Seriously. I spent 2 summers working as a temp at Hunt Manufacturing, makers of X-acto knives, Speedball art supplies and Boston pencil sharpeners (among other things!)
It wasn't a bad job. I worked in the paint room for a short time, putting metal parts on the paint racks and stacking them in crates when they were finished. I also worked on an assembly line with 3 other women making electric sharpeners. We rotated positions every two hours. I might be adding a power cord, putting on a cover or packaging the finished product for shipping. I liked this too. It gave me time to think about whatever I wanted while doing the same simple tasks over and over.
One thing I remember about these jobs is the quality control. Each station checked the products for quality. If there was a problem, it went back to the previous station to be corrected. We all took pride in our work and tried to present a quality product.
My family had an old Boston sharpener (similar to this X-acto model) that my dad had rescued. Someone was going to throw it away because it didn't work. (It turned out it was just REALLY full of shavings. I suspect it had never been emptied and the owner probably didn't even think of that.) I loved that machine! It worked great! I felt really proud to play a small role in making similar products.
This background in the pencil sharpener industry makes my current failures even more frustrating. I know there are good products out there. I know there are people who care about the quality of their work. Now I must seek out the fruits of tehir labors and, hopefully, reap the harvest!
A few years ago I broke down and bought a small electric sharpener. The children managed to break the power cord in two after only a few months!
This year alone I have purchased 3 manual sharpeners, all are broken or lost. And school started 2 weeks ago!
I have looked at department stores for an inexpensive, quality pencil sharpener with no luck. They are all crap!
As I write this, I am looking at the only known pencil sharpener in our home. It is a Strawberry Shortcake sharpener from a child's stationary set.
Why, do you ask? Why do I care about sharpening a stupid pencil? Because I have a problem. "Hello, My name is Amy and I'm a pencil-holic." I even have proof!
Yes, that is a Clementine box full of pencils! It was already pretty full but I added another 120+ this year because "They were on sale" and "The kids will use them at school" and "They don't go bad".
*SIGH*
Now do you see why I need a pencil sharpener that actually works? These hundreds of pencils are useless without one!
I used to work in a pencil sharpener factory. Seriously. I spent 2 summers working as a temp at Hunt Manufacturing, makers of X-acto knives, Speedball art supplies and Boston pencil sharpeners (among other things!)
It wasn't a bad job. I worked in the paint room for a short time, putting metal parts on the paint racks and stacking them in crates when they were finished. I also worked on an assembly line with 3 other women making electric sharpeners. We rotated positions every two hours. I might be adding a power cord, putting on a cover or packaging the finished product for shipping. I liked this too. It gave me time to think about whatever I wanted while doing the same simple tasks over and over.
One thing I remember about these jobs is the quality control. Each station checked the products for quality. If there was a problem, it went back to the previous station to be corrected. We all took pride in our work and tried to present a quality product.
My family had an old Boston sharpener (similar to this X-acto model) that my dad had rescued. Someone was going to throw it away because it didn't work. (It turned out it was just REALLY full of shavings. I suspect it had never been emptied and the owner probably didn't even think of that.) I loved that machine! It worked great! I felt really proud to play a small role in making similar products.
This background in the pencil sharpener industry makes my current failures even more frustrating. I know there are good products out there. I know there are people who care about the quality of their work. Now I must seek out the fruits of tehir labors and, hopefully, reap the harvest!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Superpowers 101: Smelling Good
I attended a MOPS meeting yesterday on Post. The speaker was a Chaplin's wife whose children are adults now. She talked about the importance of leaving a legacy for future generations. She said our legacy is like a scent. It can be sweet like perfume or stinky like garbage. Then she asked the question; what smell will you leave behind?
I thought this was a wonderful metaphor! They say smells can invoke the strongest memories. It's true. When I was 5 years old my family visited Yellowstone National Park. 30 years later I still think of that trip when I smell a strong eggy smell. (Because of the sulfur there).
We take our sense of smell for granted. I know because I have terrible allergies that cause swelling in my nasal passages. I will go weeks without smelling much of anything. This can be a good thing. I don't smell dirty diapers or garbage. Then again I don't smell dirty diapers or garbage. I also don't smell flowers or strawberries or fresh-baked bread.
When the swelling subsides and I can suddenly smell again, I feel a bit overwhelmed. A side effect of this is that I don't have much sense of taste either. I remember in college adding cayenne pepper to some noodles I was eating. They were red with the spice. My roommate walked into the room and was so assaulted by the strong smell that her eyes started to water. I couldn't even taste it!
I thought of all of this as I listened to the speaker yesterday. Are there times when we are in the presence of people who "smell" good or bad and don't realize it? Is our ability to be influenced by them dulled by worldly distractions?
What about our own efforts to affect the world? Are we trying hard to leave a lasting legacy in a world that is incapable of noticing?
What about artificial smells? There is a huge industry of scented candles, air fresheners, fabric fresheners, scented lotions, soaps, detergents, deodorants, etc. What effect do these fake scents have on us? Do we try to create artificial "scents" in our lives, too? Do we go through the motions and put on an act to cover up the "bad smell" we are creating? Will those fake scents wear off and reveal the true smell someday?
I really appreciated this idea and all the thoughts it inspired. I know there are tiems when I try to ignore problems or put them aside becasue I am not willing or able to deal with them. I also know that only a true cleansing throught repentance can erase the smells left from misdeeds. I kow the Lord will bless our efforts to create a legacy full of sweet smells and happy memories.
I thought this was a wonderful metaphor! They say smells can invoke the strongest memories. It's true. When I was 5 years old my family visited Yellowstone National Park. 30 years later I still think of that trip when I smell a strong eggy smell. (Because of the sulfur there).
We take our sense of smell for granted. I know because I have terrible allergies that cause swelling in my nasal passages. I will go weeks without smelling much of anything. This can be a good thing. I don't smell dirty diapers or garbage. Then again I don't smell dirty diapers or garbage. I also don't smell flowers or strawberries or fresh-baked bread.
When the swelling subsides and I can suddenly smell again, I feel a bit overwhelmed. A side effect of this is that I don't have much sense of taste either. I remember in college adding cayenne pepper to some noodles I was eating. They were red with the spice. My roommate walked into the room and was so assaulted by the strong smell that her eyes started to water. I couldn't even taste it!
I thought of all of this as I listened to the speaker yesterday. Are there times when we are in the presence of people who "smell" good or bad and don't realize it? Is our ability to be influenced by them dulled by worldly distractions?
What about our own efforts to affect the world? Are we trying hard to leave a lasting legacy in a world that is incapable of noticing?
What about artificial smells? There is a huge industry of scented candles, air fresheners, fabric fresheners, scented lotions, soaps, detergents, deodorants, etc. What effect do these fake scents have on us? Do we try to create artificial "scents" in our lives, too? Do we go through the motions and put on an act to cover up the "bad smell" we are creating? Will those fake scents wear off and reveal the true smell someday?
I really appreciated this idea and all the thoughts it inspired. I know there are tiems when I try to ignore problems or put them aside becasue I am not willing or able to deal with them. I also know that only a true cleansing throught repentance can erase the smells left from misdeeds. I kow the Lord will bless our efforts to create a legacy full of sweet smells and happy memories.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Power-ups
To My Child
You are the trip I did not take, you are the pearls I could not buy,
You are my blue Italian lake, you are my piece of foreign sky.
You are my Honolulu moon, you are the book I did not write,
You are my heart's unuttered tune, you are a candle in my night.
You are the flower beneath the snow, in my dark sky a bit of blue,
Answering disappointment's blow with "I am happy! I have you!"
— Anne Campbell
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Power-ups
"Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world's goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord's kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power."~ Julie B. Beck
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Woman of noble character challenge week 6
Proverbs 31:25-27 "Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness."
Week 6: Proverbs 31:25-27 Do you tend to let your emotions control your attitude? Are there more kind words mixed with laughter coming from your lips, or are they harsh and demoralizing? Write a post about something you have said or done that you need to forgive yourself for. Is there someone you need to forgive or who has let you down? Write about it.
This week's challenge reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Never-Ending Story
.
The hero, Atreyu, is learning about the gates he must pass through to reach the Southern Oracle. Engywook, the little gnome who studies the Oracle, tells Atreyu of a mirror that shows your true self. "Kind people find out that they are cruel. Brave men discover that they are really cowards! Confronted by their true selves, most men run away screaming!"
Even as a child, I wondered what I would see in that mirror. I think I would have been fairly pleased with my reflection at that time. Now, I am not so sure.
Motherhood has a mirror like the one in this movie. It is called a child. Each of my children are reflections of me. For better or worse.
It is truly one of the most horrifying and disappointing experiences of life to see or hear your child do something negative and know that they learned it from you. That two year old voice telling her doll to "pick that up RIGHT NOW!" with just the same inflections that I use. Or the 8 year old who clamps her teeth and says "STOP IT" with the same expression I am sure I have. Or how about the disgusted sighs when anything doesn't go their way? I want to crawl under a rock and die of embarrassment!
A few years ago I received an email that struck me right in the hard spot of my heart. It explained that we would never treat strangers as cruelly as we treat our own families. It's true. For me anyway. I know that I would be mortified if someone over heard me berating my children. I am very hard on them. Probably too hard sometimes.
A few years ago my oldest son was fighting with his younger brother at church. We were in the small foyer of the building. I grabbed him, pushed him onto a seat and loosed my tongue. I wasn't yelling or smacking him. I was just, you know, the wicked witch. I didn't think about what I was doing until I heard a horrified cry. I turned to see a young girl with Down Syndrome staring at me. I took a deep breath, realizing that I had scared her and went over to calm her down. She drew back, afraid of me. She turned her back to me, leaned on the wall and began sobbing. I was ashamed. Deeply ashamed.
I put my hand on her shoulder and apologized. She turned around and hugged me. We had a little conversation, me saying what I needed to say, her jabbering at me in French (She didn't speak English). She smiled and hugged me again, then she was off to explore.
I remembered a Relief Society lesson where the teacher compared living in the Celestial Kingdom to a black-tie dinner. She asked us to imagine showing up in a wrinkled T-shirt and flip-flops. Would we feel out of place? That is what it would be like to be in the Celestial Kingdom if we were not worthy to be there.
I imagined this sweet, innocent child was like the angels in Heaven. Were these heavenly beings looking at me in terrified shock each time I lashed out at my kids? Were the angels hiding their faces and sobbing at the sight of me? Would the Saviour himself turn from me and say "I don't know who you are. Certainly not one of mine."?
I knew in that moment I needed to change. I would like to say that I am now the most wonderful mother in the world. I would like to tell you that I never raise my voice or say things that I shouldn't say. I would like to tell you that I never get angry or overreact. But that would be a big fat lie. Really big.
Don't get me wrong, I am not beating my kids with my broomstick or calling them horrible names. But there is more to it than that. I can see my children's spirits cringe when I say, in that certain tone, "What are you doing?!" It isn't just the words or the actions. It is the tone, the expression, and the emotion behind them.
I once taught a lesson that included a quote about anger. It said that when we are angry we reveal our weakness. I always thought of "weakness" as "Failing", "Flaw", "Defect". You know, the generic scene of a coach saying to his players "Your weak! Your soft! Your a slacker!"
But a sweet sister raised her hand and said "That is so true. I know I am more likely to get angry when I am tired or hungry. I definitely get angry when I am in a weakened state." I was dumbstruck. I had never thought of it like that before. I had thought that if I was a stronger person I wouldn't get angry. Ever. Now I saw a different perspective. A kind of preventative approach to anger and frustration. I started recognizing when I was more likely to get upset and make plans to react differently.
For example; if I got upset with my children when we were waiting for an appointment, I made sure I brought things to keep them entertained. If I was frustrated by their bickering, I waited a mintue before I went to intervene. Sometimes they resolved it on their own and we were all happy.
Lately I have noticed some regression. As the children get older, their problems and issues change and I have to learn all over again how and when to react. I am sure I still have a long way to go to make the full transformation from Screaming Banshee to Sainted Mother. I hope my kids are not too damaged in the process!
Week 6: Proverbs 31:25-27 Do you tend to let your emotions control your attitude? Are there more kind words mixed with laughter coming from your lips, or are they harsh and demoralizing? Write a post about something you have said or done that you need to forgive yourself for. Is there someone you need to forgive or who has let you down? Write about it.
This week's challenge reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite childhood movies, The Never-Ending Story
. The hero, Atreyu, is learning about the gates he must pass through to reach the Southern Oracle. Engywook, the little gnome who studies the Oracle, tells Atreyu of a mirror that shows your true self. "Kind people find out that they are cruel. Brave men discover that they are really cowards! Confronted by their true selves, most men run away screaming!"
Even as a child, I wondered what I would see in that mirror. I think I would have been fairly pleased with my reflection at that time. Now, I am not so sure.
Motherhood has a mirror like the one in this movie. It is called a child. Each of my children are reflections of me. For better or worse.
It is truly one of the most horrifying and disappointing experiences of life to see or hear your child do something negative and know that they learned it from you. That two year old voice telling her doll to "pick that up RIGHT NOW!" with just the same inflections that I use. Or the 8 year old who clamps her teeth and says "STOP IT" with the same expression I am sure I have. Or how about the disgusted sighs when anything doesn't go their way? I want to crawl under a rock and die of embarrassment!
A few years ago I received an email that struck me right in the hard spot of my heart. It explained that we would never treat strangers as cruelly as we treat our own families. It's true. For me anyway. I know that I would be mortified if someone over heard me berating my children. I am very hard on them. Probably too hard sometimes.
A few years ago my oldest son was fighting with his younger brother at church. We were in the small foyer of the building. I grabbed him, pushed him onto a seat and loosed my tongue. I wasn't yelling or smacking him. I was just, you know, the wicked witch. I didn't think about what I was doing until I heard a horrified cry. I turned to see a young girl with Down Syndrome staring at me. I took a deep breath, realizing that I had scared her and went over to calm her down. She drew back, afraid of me. She turned her back to me, leaned on the wall and began sobbing. I was ashamed. Deeply ashamed.
I put my hand on her shoulder and apologized. She turned around and hugged me. We had a little conversation, me saying what I needed to say, her jabbering at me in French (She didn't speak English). She smiled and hugged me again, then she was off to explore.
I remembered a Relief Society lesson where the teacher compared living in the Celestial Kingdom to a black-tie dinner. She asked us to imagine showing up in a wrinkled T-shirt and flip-flops. Would we feel out of place? That is what it would be like to be in the Celestial Kingdom if we were not worthy to be there.
I imagined this sweet, innocent child was like the angels in Heaven. Were these heavenly beings looking at me in terrified shock each time I lashed out at my kids? Were the angels hiding their faces and sobbing at the sight of me? Would the Saviour himself turn from me and say "I don't know who you are. Certainly not one of mine."?
I knew in that moment I needed to change. I would like to say that I am now the most wonderful mother in the world. I would like to tell you that I never raise my voice or say things that I shouldn't say. I would like to tell you that I never get angry or overreact. But that would be a big fat lie. Really big.
Don't get me wrong, I am not beating my kids with my broomstick or calling them horrible names. But there is more to it than that. I can see my children's spirits cringe when I say, in that certain tone, "What are you doing?!" It isn't just the words or the actions. It is the tone, the expression, and the emotion behind them.
I once taught a lesson that included a quote about anger. It said that when we are angry we reveal our weakness. I always thought of "weakness" as "Failing", "Flaw", "Defect". You know, the generic scene of a coach saying to his players "Your weak! Your soft! Your a slacker!"
But a sweet sister raised her hand and said "That is so true. I know I am more likely to get angry when I am tired or hungry. I definitely get angry when I am in a weakened state." I was dumbstruck. I had never thought of it like that before. I had thought that if I was a stronger person I wouldn't get angry. Ever. Now I saw a different perspective. A kind of preventative approach to anger and frustration. I started recognizing when I was more likely to get upset and make plans to react differently.
For example; if I got upset with my children when we were waiting for an appointment, I made sure I brought things to keep them entertained. If I was frustrated by their bickering, I waited a mintue before I went to intervene. Sometimes they resolved it on their own and we were all happy.
Lately I have noticed some regression. As the children get older, their problems and issues change and I have to learn all over again how and when to react. I am sure I still have a long way to go to make the full transformation from Screaming Banshee to Sainted Mother. I hope my kids are not too damaged in the process!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Superpowers 101: Celebrations
I recently overheard a new mother lamenting her husband's decision that they not have a birthday party for their daughter's first birthday. He felt it was a waste of time and money, especially since she wouldn't remember it. On top of that, the mother was expecting baby number 2 around the same time and he felt it would be too much for her.
This young woman was explaining all of this to her in-laws, asking them to intervene and throw the party themselves. They went back and forth about what to do, where to have it, when, how many people to invite, etc. At one point the grandmother said "You have to do something, otherwise she will resent you when she gets older." The young mother responded, "I know. Especially when we have a huge party for her little brother's first birthday."
This young woman was explaining all of this to her in-laws, asking them to intervene and throw the party themselves. They went back and forth about what to do, where to have it, when, how many people to invite, etc. At one point the grandmother said "You have to do something, otherwise she will resent you when she gets older." The young mother responded, "I know. Especially when we have a huge party for her little brother's first birthday."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Superwoman VS "The Wants"
For some time now, my husband and I have been very disappointed in the seemingly self-centered attitudes exhibited by our children. There is definitely a "mememememe" factor that has nothing to do with voice exercises and an apathy that reminds me of zombies. This WILL NOT DO!
The big moment of change came this summer. The children were out of school and I had signed them all up for the various reading programs at the local library. The first day came and I bustled everyone out of the house and into the library. It was a madhouse! There were people everywhere!
We were there for the older kids that day but we were a little late and the program had already started. I didn't know where they were supposed to be so I told them we would just get some books and leave. Our library has a play area for younger kids. My plan was for the older kids to take turns watching the younger ones while I helped them find their books. I thought they would be able to stay corralled and entertained for the 20 minutes or so it would take to find the books we wanted. In their defense, it was VERY crowded but, bottom line, it didn't work. I got yelled at by the librarian because some of my older kids were playing with the baby toys and even fighting with toddlers while my little ones were running laps up and down the aisles.
But wait. It gets better (or worse).
We did not have library cards. I had tried to get one a few weeks earlier but I didn't have proof of residency so I couldn't get a card that day. "No big deal" I thought. "I will get it next time." But the process was very time consuming. It took over half and hour. The children were chasing each other around the circulation desk, playing on the motorized chairs, spinning the giant dictionary around on the table behind me, pounding on the computer keyboards, older ones dragging younger ones kicking and screaming (LITERALLY!!!) back to where I was filling out applications, the baby tired and screaming on my lap. It was probably the most embarrassing and horrifying day of my life.
I went home 100% convinced that I had, indeed, FAILED as a mother. There was no more room for doubt. I now had irrefutable evidence and about 50 witnesses that I had not taught my children a blasted thing! I had not raised well-mannered children who would grow up to be valued citizens, who contributed to society. Instead, I had a pack of monsters who would plague society with their lack of respect for others and complete disregard for rules and authority.
It took every ounce of self- control (and probably a healthy dose of divine intervention) to keep those kids alive, unbroken, unbeaten, and not abandoned on the side of the road.
Years ago, I had a friend who gave me some advice about motivating children. She said that when her kids were not behaving, she stopped doing the "extras". She fed them, but didn't treat them. She cleaned but didn't go out of her way. Basically, she did the bare minimum until they had changed their attitudes. At the time, I didn't know how to do this. My kids were too little to really understand this kind of discipline.
But this day, this horrible, depressing day, my friend's advice came back like a lightening bolt on a stormy night.
We went home and I laid it out for them. No more TV. No more video games. No more Popsicles. No more Kool-aid, they could have water. No more cold cereal, they could have oatmeal. No more dessert. For snacks they could have fruit; no chips or crackers or yogurt or candy or anything remotely enjoyable. I threw away whatever snacks we had. If they came up with something they wanted to eat or play or do that was remotely fun, I said no.
Then I put them to work. They were going to clean their rooms every day. Spotless. There were going to be chores done; laundry, vacuuming, dishes, weeding the garden, whatever I could find. When all of that was done, they could go outside and find some way to entertain themselves. No bubbles or chalk or water sprinkler. If it was too hot, they could play inside. They had quiet time every afternoon while the youngest kids napped.
Sounds horrible doesn't it? At first it was. I couldn't watch TV because they would find ways to come in and stare, no matter what I was watching. There was also a lot of somberness in the house. I was not about to forget what they had done, nor could I simple forgive and let it go. They pleaded for forgiveness. They begged for leniency. I remained unmoved. They learned quickly that I was not going to let up so they accepted their fate and sulked for several days.
It had to be this way. I had to get the point across. I had to hold out long enough to break them of their terrible habits. I knew I had to pack a bag and bring a lunch because we were not going home 'til the job was done.
After the initial shock, they started to find things to do again. They rediscovered their toys and their imaginations. They realized they were not going to starve without cookies and popcorn. Their thirst was quenched by water and milk. They got used to playing outside. They became friends again.
It was amazing! Coming down so hard and sticking with it for so long (about 3 weeks) went a long way to showing them who was boss and that I really was capable of following through on my threats. They started listening more and acting quickly when I told them to do something. They stopped complaining. It was wonderful! But more than that, we all learned that we really didn't need those things. We were just as happy without TV or dessert or snacks. We had fun playing with each other.
One testament to the power of this punishment came weeks later, after I had started to allow a few luxuries again. We were in Vermont visiting family. One day, my 7 year old son came to me and said "Are you still mad?" I didn't know what he was talking about and asked for some clarification. It turned out he wanted to play a video game and was wondering if he was still being punished. I let him play but I was thrilled to learn that he was still aware of the earlier punishments and was not about to over-step the lines.
I am sorry to report that we have gotten slack again. The kids have been lazy and disrespectful lately. There has been a lot of fighting and teasing. So I guess we will have to try this again. But I know it works. I know the power of consistency and limits. And pulling the cushy, thick-piled rug out from under their baby-soft, callous-free feet.
I also learned about my past failures. One failing is that the punishments are not always strong enough to get the point across. Time-out doesn't work well for us because I can't ignore them if they talk. It ends up being a one-on-one conversation with a child who wants attention anyway. Taking away one luxury doesn't always work either. I have taken away things from the girls for months at a time and that works. The boys don't care so much. Taking away TV and cereal and dessert was much more traumatic for them.
I don't like being the bad guy. That is probably why I have struggled with finding the right way to discipline my kids. We live in a world that pounds on us every day. I don't want to add to that. I would much rather love them and talk to them and listen to their problems. I want to be their guide, not their warden.
The reason this worked so well for me is that I didn't deprive them of the necessities. They were still fed healthy food. They still had things to do. I didn't risk their health. And I knew that in the long run, it would be better for us all. I want them to grow up to be good people. I often say to myself "I'm not raising children, I am raising adults". That helps me keep perspective. I want to teach them the skills that will be most beneficial to them as adults.
Sometiems that feels like hurding turtles. Sometimes it feels like holding back the tide. Mostly it feels like having a handful of that goop stuff that is made of Borax. It runs through your fingers but gets hard if you apply too much pressure. It takes a lot of practice and trial and error but it can be really cool once you get the hang of it!
The big moment of change came this summer. The children were out of school and I had signed them all up for the various reading programs at the local library. The first day came and I bustled everyone out of the house and into the library. It was a madhouse! There were people everywhere!
We were there for the older kids that day but we were a little late and the program had already started. I didn't know where they were supposed to be so I told them we would just get some books and leave. Our library has a play area for younger kids. My plan was for the older kids to take turns watching the younger ones while I helped them find their books. I thought they would be able to stay corralled and entertained for the 20 minutes or so it would take to find the books we wanted. In their defense, it was VERY crowded but, bottom line, it didn't work. I got yelled at by the librarian because some of my older kids were playing with the baby toys and even fighting with toddlers while my little ones were running laps up and down the aisles.
But wait. It gets better (or worse).
We did not have library cards. I had tried to get one a few weeks earlier but I didn't have proof of residency so I couldn't get a card that day. "No big deal" I thought. "I will get it next time." But the process was very time consuming. It took over half and hour. The children were chasing each other around the circulation desk, playing on the motorized chairs, spinning the giant dictionary around on the table behind me, pounding on the computer keyboards, older ones dragging younger ones kicking and screaming (LITERALLY!!!) back to where I was filling out applications, the baby tired and screaming on my lap. It was probably the most embarrassing and horrifying day of my life.
I went home 100% convinced that I had, indeed, FAILED as a mother. There was no more room for doubt. I now had irrefutable evidence and about 50 witnesses that I had not taught my children a blasted thing! I had not raised well-mannered children who would grow up to be valued citizens, who contributed to society. Instead, I had a pack of monsters who would plague society with their lack of respect for others and complete disregard for rules and authority.
It took every ounce of self- control (and probably a healthy dose of divine intervention) to keep those kids alive, unbroken, unbeaten, and not abandoned on the side of the road.
Years ago, I had a friend who gave me some advice about motivating children. She said that when her kids were not behaving, she stopped doing the "extras". She fed them, but didn't treat them. She cleaned but didn't go out of her way. Basically, she did the bare minimum until they had changed their attitudes. At the time, I didn't know how to do this. My kids were too little to really understand this kind of discipline.
But this day, this horrible, depressing day, my friend's advice came back like a lightening bolt on a stormy night.
We went home and I laid it out for them. No more TV. No more video games. No more Popsicles. No more Kool-aid, they could have water. No more cold cereal, they could have oatmeal. No more dessert. For snacks they could have fruit; no chips or crackers or yogurt or candy or anything remotely enjoyable. I threw away whatever snacks we had. If they came up with something they wanted to eat or play or do that was remotely fun, I said no.
Then I put them to work. They were going to clean their rooms every day. Spotless. There were going to be chores done; laundry, vacuuming, dishes, weeding the garden, whatever I could find. When all of that was done, they could go outside and find some way to entertain themselves. No bubbles or chalk or water sprinkler. If it was too hot, they could play inside. They had quiet time every afternoon while the youngest kids napped.
Sounds horrible doesn't it? At first it was. I couldn't watch TV because they would find ways to come in and stare, no matter what I was watching. There was also a lot of somberness in the house. I was not about to forget what they had done, nor could I simple forgive and let it go. They pleaded for forgiveness. They begged for leniency. I remained unmoved. They learned quickly that I was not going to let up so they accepted their fate and sulked for several days.
It had to be this way. I had to get the point across. I had to hold out long enough to break them of their terrible habits. I knew I had to pack a bag and bring a lunch because we were not going home 'til the job was done.
After the initial shock, they started to find things to do again. They rediscovered their toys and their imaginations. They realized they were not going to starve without cookies and popcorn. Their thirst was quenched by water and milk. They got used to playing outside. They became friends again.
It was amazing! Coming down so hard and sticking with it for so long (about 3 weeks) went a long way to showing them who was boss and that I really was capable of following through on my threats. They started listening more and acting quickly when I told them to do something. They stopped complaining. It was wonderful! But more than that, we all learned that we really didn't need those things. We were just as happy without TV or dessert or snacks. We had fun playing with each other.
One testament to the power of this punishment came weeks later, after I had started to allow a few luxuries again. We were in Vermont visiting family. One day, my 7 year old son came to me and said "Are you still mad?" I didn't know what he was talking about and asked for some clarification. It turned out he wanted to play a video game and was wondering if he was still being punished. I let him play but I was thrilled to learn that he was still aware of the earlier punishments and was not about to over-step the lines.
I am sorry to report that we have gotten slack again. The kids have been lazy and disrespectful lately. There has been a lot of fighting and teasing. So I guess we will have to try this again. But I know it works. I know the power of consistency and limits. And pulling the cushy, thick-piled rug out from under their baby-soft, callous-free feet.
I also learned about my past failures. One failing is that the punishments are not always strong enough to get the point across. Time-out doesn't work well for us because I can't ignore them if they talk. It ends up being a one-on-one conversation with a child who wants attention anyway. Taking away one luxury doesn't always work either. I have taken away things from the girls for months at a time and that works. The boys don't care so much. Taking away TV and cereal and dessert was much more traumatic for them.
I don't like being the bad guy. That is probably why I have struggled with finding the right way to discipline my kids. We live in a world that pounds on us every day. I don't want to add to that. I would much rather love them and talk to them and listen to their problems. I want to be their guide, not their warden.
The reason this worked so well for me is that I didn't deprive them of the necessities. They were still fed healthy food. They still had things to do. I didn't risk their health. And I knew that in the long run, it would be better for us all. I want them to grow up to be good people. I often say to myself "I'm not raising children, I am raising adults". That helps me keep perspective. I want to teach them the skills that will be most beneficial to them as adults.
Sometiems that feels like hurding turtles. Sometimes it feels like holding back the tide. Mostly it feels like having a handful of that goop stuff that is made of Borax. It runs through your fingers but gets hard if you apply too much pressure. It takes a lot of practice and trial and error but it can be really cool once you get the hang of it!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Superpowers 101: Saying Thank You
Thank you. An expression of gratitude. Simple, clean, direct. We learn it as children. We often say it without thinking about it. When someone holds a door for us or gives us a compliment we throw out a "thanks" automatically. In many ways, "Thank you" is one of the most common phrases in the English language. So, why does it feel so good to hear it? And why do we feel hurt when we don't?
"Thank you" is acknowledgment. It says "I know you did something for me." Whether the thank you is sincere or just a token seems to matter less than the acknowledgment itself. I have learned this lesson the hard way.
When my oldest children were young, my mother-in-law came to visit. After she had been there for several days, she told me that I should make the children say thank you to me. I was surprised and a little put off by this. My children were still very young, my oldest was almost 3. It wasn't that they couldn't say it yet. I just didn't think it was necessary for them to tell me thank you, especially for something as routine as feeding them lunch or getting them dressed.
Still, she insisted that they say "thank you" all day long. It wasn't that I minded, I just found it kind of silly. The children did establish a certain habit of this, although I didn't really enforce it. Over the next few years I came to regret that attitude and to see the wisdom of her words.
As my children got older, they became more demanding. They complained about what I made for dinner or the flavor of the Kool-aid. They criticized what clothes I picked out for them and which movie was on TV. "Why did you buy that toothpaste?" "That's not the way I wanted my hair." It seemed they were never satisfied. I was beside myself with frustration and irritation. My husband joined in my disappointment. It has taken us years to try and mold them into grateful, thoughtful people. Honestly, it is still a work in progress.
The benefit of this is that I have learned my lesson. My 2 younger children are only 3 and 17 months old but they both say "thank you" to me often. In fact, "Thank you" was the first thing my 3 year old learned to say.
Does it make a difference? You bet it does! Every time he sees me folding his favorite shirt he hugs me and says "You cleaned it! Thank you. Mommy!" He has followed the lead of his older siblings and says "thank you" for every bite of food I give him. If he doesn't, I notice and remind him. Somehow, I still struggle with making the older kids do this. We have already established the pattern.
The difference is in how I feel about doing things for them. I am much more eager to spoil my little ones because I know they will respond with a grateful attitude. I find my self thinking "Why should I?" when one of my less grateful children asks for something...again...for the tenth time. I know that it will not satisfy them, nor will they appreciate whatever effort I make for them.
This might seem immature. Maybe. But I have learned another lesson during this progress. Sometimes my kids have that same attitude. In fact, my oldest son has told me more than once that he doesn't like to clean his room because "It won't make you happy." I thought about this. He was right. I make demands on my kids all the time. In the past, I rarely showed appreciation for their efforts. They, in turn, didn't want to do what I asked them.
I have tried to correct this. When they do what they are told, or do what they should without being told, I make a point to say "Thank you". They eat it up! They are suddenly eager to do more.
I have never been a fan of the overly enthusiastic praise some parents give their children. "Oh my gosh! You did SUCH an AWESOME JOB! You are the GREATEST bed maker EVER!!!!" That is insincere to me and, frankly, unnecessary. My kids are pleased with a simple but sincere "Thank you for making your bed. I really appreciate it."
I know, there are moments when "Thank you" seems inadequate. Sometimes I wish there was another word or phrase we could use when we are REALLY thankful or when someone does something REALLY wonderful. There isn't. We are stuck with "Thank you". Does that make it any less meaningful? Should we say it less? Save it for the times when we are REALLY thankful?
Sometimes we might not feel thankful. We don't want to say "thank you" for some reason. It has been my experience that during those times we should say it the most. There is a quote that says your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions and your actions become your destiny. I think that can work in reverse. Our actions can change our words and thoughts. We can make ourselves more thankful by "going through the motions" when we are not really feeling that way.
I can safely say that we can all be more thankful. Some days I am in awe of the blessings I have, the comforts I enjoy, the amazing abundance I take for granted. I know I fall far short of being adequately thankful for all that I have. The hymn "Count Your Blessings" comes to mind. "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bare? Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by." Such a simple thing to do and yet so hard.
In our culture we call "Please" the "magic word", I suppose because that is the word you use to get what you want. In reality, "Thank you" has more "magic". It makes kids do more work. It makes adults smile. It uplifts our spirits and gladdens our hearts. It helps us see the wonder and abundance around us. It is a phrase that acknowledges service. It represents actions that are often born of the simplest and greatest of all virtues: Charity. What greater proof can there be of our love for our Heavenly Father and his children than the exchange of such a phrase?
During this Thanksgiving season, may we all carry the spirit of thanks within our hearts. May we all be more thankful throughout the year and throughout our lives. And may I say to you all; Thank you for all you do!
"Thank you" is acknowledgment. It says "I know you did something for me." Whether the thank you is sincere or just a token seems to matter less than the acknowledgment itself. I have learned this lesson the hard way.
When my oldest children were young, my mother-in-law came to visit. After she had been there for several days, she told me that I should make the children say thank you to me. I was surprised and a little put off by this. My children were still very young, my oldest was almost 3. It wasn't that they couldn't say it yet. I just didn't think it was necessary for them to tell me thank you, especially for something as routine as feeding them lunch or getting them dressed.
Still, she insisted that they say "thank you" all day long. It wasn't that I minded, I just found it kind of silly. The children did establish a certain habit of this, although I didn't really enforce it. Over the next few years I came to regret that attitude and to see the wisdom of her words.
As my children got older, they became more demanding. They complained about what I made for dinner or the flavor of the Kool-aid. They criticized what clothes I picked out for them and which movie was on TV. "Why did you buy that toothpaste?" "That's not the way I wanted my hair." It seemed they were never satisfied. I was beside myself with frustration and irritation. My husband joined in my disappointment. It has taken us years to try and mold them into grateful, thoughtful people. Honestly, it is still a work in progress.
The benefit of this is that I have learned my lesson. My 2 younger children are only 3 and 17 months old but they both say "thank you" to me often. In fact, "Thank you" was the first thing my 3 year old learned to say.
Does it make a difference? You bet it does! Every time he sees me folding his favorite shirt he hugs me and says "You cleaned it! Thank you. Mommy!" He has followed the lead of his older siblings and says "thank you" for every bite of food I give him. If he doesn't, I notice and remind him. Somehow, I still struggle with making the older kids do this. We have already established the pattern.
The difference is in how I feel about doing things for them. I am much more eager to spoil my little ones because I know they will respond with a grateful attitude. I find my self thinking "Why should I?" when one of my less grateful children asks for something...again...for the tenth time. I know that it will not satisfy them, nor will they appreciate whatever effort I make for them.
This might seem immature. Maybe. But I have learned another lesson during this progress. Sometimes my kids have that same attitude. In fact, my oldest son has told me more than once that he doesn't like to clean his room because "It won't make you happy." I thought about this. He was right. I make demands on my kids all the time. In the past, I rarely showed appreciation for their efforts. They, in turn, didn't want to do what I asked them.
I have tried to correct this. When they do what they are told, or do what they should without being told, I make a point to say "Thank you". They eat it up! They are suddenly eager to do more.
I have never been a fan of the overly enthusiastic praise some parents give their children. "Oh my gosh! You did SUCH an AWESOME JOB! You are the GREATEST bed maker EVER!!!!" That is insincere to me and, frankly, unnecessary. My kids are pleased with a simple but sincere "Thank you for making your bed. I really appreciate it."
I know, there are moments when "Thank you" seems inadequate. Sometimes I wish there was another word or phrase we could use when we are REALLY thankful or when someone does something REALLY wonderful. There isn't. We are stuck with "Thank you". Does that make it any less meaningful? Should we say it less? Save it for the times when we are REALLY thankful?
Sometimes we might not feel thankful. We don't want to say "thank you" for some reason. It has been my experience that during those times we should say it the most. There is a quote that says your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions and your actions become your destiny. I think that can work in reverse. Our actions can change our words and thoughts. We can make ourselves more thankful by "going through the motions" when we are not really feeling that way.
I can safely say that we can all be more thankful. Some days I am in awe of the blessings I have, the comforts I enjoy, the amazing abundance I take for granted. I know I fall far short of being adequately thankful for all that I have. The hymn "Count Your Blessings" comes to mind. "Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bare? Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by." Such a simple thing to do and yet so hard.
In our culture we call "Please" the "magic word", I suppose because that is the word you use to get what you want. In reality, "Thank you" has more "magic". It makes kids do more work. It makes adults smile. It uplifts our spirits and gladdens our hearts. It helps us see the wonder and abundance around us. It is a phrase that acknowledges service. It represents actions that are often born of the simplest and greatest of all virtues: Charity. What greater proof can there be of our love for our Heavenly Father and his children than the exchange of such a phrase?
During this Thanksgiving season, may we all carry the spirit of thanks within our hearts. May we all be more thankful throughout the year and throughout our lives. And may I say to you all; Thank you for all you do!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Super powers101: Following the Leader
Leadership qualities are an increasingly valuable set of skills in the world today. The general belief is that those who lead will be successful. That may be true. Unfortunately, not everyone can be the leader, at least, not all the time. Sometimes we have to be the followers. This can be difficult, especially when we don't like what the leader is doing and think that someone else (usually WE) can do it better. Whether that is true or not, there are still some people who are truly good leaders even if we disagree with them. How do we recognize these kinds of people? What makes a person a good leader?
First, let's think about some of the people we "follow" in our society. There are some people who get attention and legions of fans for wearing the latest fashions and being obscene in public. I am not sure there is really anything worth emulating in their personas but apparently many other people disagree with me. Then there are actors, athletes, musicians, politicians, talk show hosts; all people who have jobs and education and opinions. Do those qualities make them more worthy of our loyalty? Maybe. Maybe not. Let's try another approach.
When a baby duck is born, it imprints on it's mother, following her around and doing what she commands until it is old enough to survive on its own. Why? Scientists will say that it is an instinct, they can't help it. The need to survive forces the duckling to follow its mother. Maybe that is true for animals but not for people. We are too evolved for something like that. Right?
A newborn baby is fresh and trusting. He can not care for himself in any way. As he grows, he becomes attached to the people who care for him. That does not have to be the father who helped conceive him or the mother who gave birth to him. It is the person who cares for him, loves him, teaches him, guides him and prepares him for life. For better or worse, parents are the ultimate influence in their child's life. They are THE leaders.
As we look at the leaders of the world, we should ask ourselves, "Do they care about us? Do they have our best interests in mind? Do they exemplify qualities we want to emulate?" Many of the people we "follow" in our society are selfish, arrogant, rude, greedy, etc. They may pretend to want what is best for us but are ultimately doing what they want.
It is easy to criticize when we are not in that position. We "common folk" can do what we want and no one cares. We have no one to please of impress or influence. If we were important we would certainly never make the mistakes others are making. Would we?
One of my favorite stories is of a young prince who was kidnapped. His captors wanted to defile him and make him unworthy to rule. They tempted with all the vulgarities and sinful pleasures of the world. When he did not partake they asked why. He replied, "I can not do what you ask for I was born to be a king." Despite his crude surroundings, away from the eye of public opinion, he still knew who he was. He knew what was expected of him. Even if he were to die in captivity he could not partake of those things that would defile him.
Do we have it within us to be that kind of leader? Do we have integrity in every situation. Like it or not, we are all leaders at some point. We are being watched by those around us. Our actions determine whether or not we are worthy of following. If we say we believe one thing and do another, they will correctly judge us as hypocrites. Our words will lose their meaning and we will lose our credibility.
Our society seems to feed on gossip and scandal. People's mistakes are stored and revisited over and over again. There is no allowance for change and repentance in the world today. Many try to defend themselves with somewhat valid excuses like "I didn't know then what I know now" or "I was young and stupid". That may be true. And, really, it isn't anyone else's business.
There is only one flaw in that reasoning. The ducklings. Over and over I have heard people say that they don't know how to tell their children about the mistakes they made. How can they explain their stupid choices or weaknesses. Some take a more cynical approach and encourage their innocent children to follow in their clumsy footsteps. Most parents want to be respected and admired by their children. They want to be good examples to them. Some try very hard to be that example despite their past choices. Others just cover them up and build lie upon lie until it all comes crashing down on them.
Wouldn't it be better to not make those mistakes in the first place? I know, no one is perfect. But there are plenty of poor choices that can be avoided. Many years ago I wrote a poem about avoiding temptaion. The first part of it is seared into my mind and has been invaluable to me. It says:
"When I am tempted to go astray,
I think of the children I'll have some day.
Would they be proud of a mother like me?
If they were here would I want them to see?"
That simple sentiment has helped me steer clear of many of the temptations I have faced. Sometimes I think "Wow. Have I had a dull life or what?" Most of the time I feel relieved. I can say with confidence that I never smoked, drank, tried drugs, or had sex outside of marriage. There are no pictures of me exposing myself or stories that I don't want them to hear. I have no criminal record, no tattoos, no exotic piercings. I can't say that I never made a mistake or did something I regretted. I can not say that there are no embarrassing stories about me. That is just part of being human.
I am not sharing this to be boastful or put myself above anyone who has not made the choices I have made. I am letting you know that it is possible to choose the right. Our world is full of poor leaders. Much too often people feel like they have no choice but to follow that crowd. I am telling you that there is a choice. There are people out there, normal, descent people, with jobs and bills and stress and everything else that comes with mortal life, who don't follow the so-called "leaders" of society. Not every housewife is having secret affairs and getting high. Not every teenager is having sex and getting drunk. Not every college student is trying drugs and cheating on tests.
It isn't easy. It isn't easy to be a leader when you aren't even sure someone is watching. It isn't easy to say no when, in the short term, saying yes would be so much easier. It isn't easy to remember who you are and who you were born to be when everyone around you is doing exactly the opposite. But, then again, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
First, let's think about some of the people we "follow" in our society. There are some people who get attention and legions of fans for wearing the latest fashions and being obscene in public. I am not sure there is really anything worth emulating in their personas but apparently many other people disagree with me. Then there are actors, athletes, musicians, politicians, talk show hosts; all people who have jobs and education and opinions. Do those qualities make them more worthy of our loyalty? Maybe. Maybe not. Let's try another approach.
When a baby duck is born, it imprints on it's mother, following her around and doing what she commands until it is old enough to survive on its own. Why? Scientists will say that it is an instinct, they can't help it. The need to survive forces the duckling to follow its mother. Maybe that is true for animals but not for people. We are too evolved for something like that. Right?
A newborn baby is fresh and trusting. He can not care for himself in any way. As he grows, he becomes attached to the people who care for him. That does not have to be the father who helped conceive him or the mother who gave birth to him. It is the person who cares for him, loves him, teaches him, guides him and prepares him for life. For better or worse, parents are the ultimate influence in their child's life. They are THE leaders.
As we look at the leaders of the world, we should ask ourselves, "Do they care about us? Do they have our best interests in mind? Do they exemplify qualities we want to emulate?" Many of the people we "follow" in our society are selfish, arrogant, rude, greedy, etc. They may pretend to want what is best for us but are ultimately doing what they want.
It is easy to criticize when we are not in that position. We "common folk" can do what we want and no one cares. We have no one to please of impress or influence. If we were important we would certainly never make the mistakes others are making. Would we?
One of my favorite stories is of a young prince who was kidnapped. His captors wanted to defile him and make him unworthy to rule. They tempted with all the vulgarities and sinful pleasures of the world. When he did not partake they asked why. He replied, "I can not do what you ask for I was born to be a king." Despite his crude surroundings, away from the eye of public opinion, he still knew who he was. He knew what was expected of him. Even if he were to die in captivity he could not partake of those things that would defile him.
Do we have it within us to be that kind of leader? Do we have integrity in every situation. Like it or not, we are all leaders at some point. We are being watched by those around us. Our actions determine whether or not we are worthy of following. If we say we believe one thing and do another, they will correctly judge us as hypocrites. Our words will lose their meaning and we will lose our credibility.
Our society seems to feed on gossip and scandal. People's mistakes are stored and revisited over and over again. There is no allowance for change and repentance in the world today. Many try to defend themselves with somewhat valid excuses like "I didn't know then what I know now" or "I was young and stupid". That may be true. And, really, it isn't anyone else's business.
There is only one flaw in that reasoning. The ducklings. Over and over I have heard people say that they don't know how to tell their children about the mistakes they made. How can they explain their stupid choices or weaknesses. Some take a more cynical approach and encourage their innocent children to follow in their clumsy footsteps. Most parents want to be respected and admired by their children. They want to be good examples to them. Some try very hard to be that example despite their past choices. Others just cover them up and build lie upon lie until it all comes crashing down on them.
Wouldn't it be better to not make those mistakes in the first place? I know, no one is perfect. But there are plenty of poor choices that can be avoided. Many years ago I wrote a poem about avoiding temptaion. The first part of it is seared into my mind and has been invaluable to me. It says:
"When I am tempted to go astray,
I think of the children I'll have some day.
Would they be proud of a mother like me?
If they were here would I want them to see?"
That simple sentiment has helped me steer clear of many of the temptations I have faced. Sometimes I think "Wow. Have I had a dull life or what?" Most of the time I feel relieved. I can say with confidence that I never smoked, drank, tried drugs, or had sex outside of marriage. There are no pictures of me exposing myself or stories that I don't want them to hear. I have no criminal record, no tattoos, no exotic piercings. I can't say that I never made a mistake or did something I regretted. I can not say that there are no embarrassing stories about me. That is just part of being human.
I am not sharing this to be boastful or put myself above anyone who has not made the choices I have made. I am letting you know that it is possible to choose the right. Our world is full of poor leaders. Much too often people feel like they have no choice but to follow that crowd. I am telling you that there is a choice. There are people out there, normal, descent people, with jobs and bills and stress and everything else that comes with mortal life, who don't follow the so-called "leaders" of society. Not every housewife is having secret affairs and getting high. Not every teenager is having sex and getting drunk. Not every college student is trying drugs and cheating on tests.
It isn't easy. It isn't easy to be a leader when you aren't even sure someone is watching. It isn't easy to say no when, in the short term, saying yes would be so much easier. It isn't easy to remember who you are and who you were born to be when everyone around you is doing exactly the opposite. But, then again, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Becoming Superwoman
Seven years ago this fall I was in the midst of my "superwoman transformation". We were living overseas, my husband was deployed, I was caring for 2 children under age 3, and I was 6 months pregnant with twins. Yeah. That was a fun time! I was tired and achy, lonely for my husband, and trying really hard to not be overwhelmed. I was failing.
My husband and his commanding officers were fully aware of my needs and when I gave the word, it was only a matter of logistics to get my husband home a couple of weeks early. I don't like being in situations like that. I don't like asking for help or admitting I have reached my limits. I second guessed myself over and over as I tried to get the necessary doctors' notes to prove that I needed my husband home.
A week after he returned I stopped feeling guilty. I had been admitted to a neonatal hospital in Nuernberg Germany. The stress had not been relieved, it had just changed. I had started dilating and the doctors were afraid I would go into labor any minute. We were playing the "wait and see" game.
Shortly after admitting me and getting me settled into a room, a nurse came in to explain all the possible complications from delivering my babies at 30 weeks. The list was long and devastating. After the nurse left, my roommate tried to comfort me. She was also American. She had been pregnant with identical twins who shared an amniotic sack. They had been at a much higher risk for complications. She had been in the hospital for several weeks and had just delivered by scheduled C-section. She was cheerful and optimistic. The doctor had intentionally put us together so we could support each other, a gesture that was not only successful but inspired. Her companionship and positive attitude went a long way to reassure me.
My husband called our Bishop to come to the hospital and give me a priesthood blessing. I don't remember much about what was said except that the babies would be born in the Lord's time and that others would look to me as an example because of what I would go through. I felt comforted and at peace. At the same time I was sure that I was going to deliver my babies any minute and they would have all kinds of terrible birth defects because of it. Why else would people look to me as an example?
A few days later I was home from the hospital, still pregnant. The doctors felt that I was doing fine and as long as I didn't overdo it, I had a good chance of carrying the twins to term. They were born at 36 weeks, small but healthy. Huh. Well, maybe there was something wrong with them that we hadn't noticed yet. Or maybe I was making too much of what had been said in the blessing. Maybe I had misunderstood.
Time passed and although the next year is a blur, I didn't really see that I was doing anything special or noteworthy. About half way through my husbands deployment to Iraq, I ran into another spouse I hadn't seen in a while. Our husbands worked together but we really didn't socialize.
For some reason she was in a talkative mood and instead of the usual "hi" or head nod, she asked about the kids and told me about hers. Then she said "you know, when I am having a bad day and want to just give up, I think of you. My day automatically gets better. I know that I have nothing to complain about compared to you. If you can do it, I certainly can." All I could do was stare. I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions I didn't know how to respond.
She just smiled and said her goodbyes. As she walked away I tried to make sense of what she had said. This was a woman I barely knew. I had so little contact with her I barely remembered her name. Yet she had looked to me as an example. I knew, down to my bones, that this was a fulfillment of the blessing I had received almost 2 years before. I was humbled by how the Lord had used me and ashamed of myself for doubting his words.
Sometimes I might get a little proud and a little self-centered, but mostly I don't think I am so different from anyone else. I could bore you to tears with stories of other people who have in some way inspired me. Through this experience and a few others I have learned that I don't have to be the best ever or the most perfect, amazing, superhuman, Stepford mom robot on earth. That person doesn't exist. A line from one of my favorite movies says it best; 'Don't be a great man, just be a man and let history make its own judgments." Apparently, when you do your best, people notice.
My husband and his commanding officers were fully aware of my needs and when I gave the word, it was only a matter of logistics to get my husband home a couple of weeks early. I don't like being in situations like that. I don't like asking for help or admitting I have reached my limits. I second guessed myself over and over as I tried to get the necessary doctors' notes to prove that I needed my husband home.
A week after he returned I stopped feeling guilty. I had been admitted to a neonatal hospital in Nuernberg Germany. The stress had not been relieved, it had just changed. I had started dilating and the doctors were afraid I would go into labor any minute. We were playing the "wait and see" game.
Shortly after admitting me and getting me settled into a room, a nurse came in to explain all the possible complications from delivering my babies at 30 weeks. The list was long and devastating. After the nurse left, my roommate tried to comfort me. She was also American. She had been pregnant with identical twins who shared an amniotic sack. They had been at a much higher risk for complications. She had been in the hospital for several weeks and had just delivered by scheduled C-section. She was cheerful and optimistic. The doctor had intentionally put us together so we could support each other, a gesture that was not only successful but inspired. Her companionship and positive attitude went a long way to reassure me.
My husband called our Bishop to come to the hospital and give me a priesthood blessing. I don't remember much about what was said except that the babies would be born in the Lord's time and that others would look to me as an example because of what I would go through. I felt comforted and at peace. At the same time I was sure that I was going to deliver my babies any minute and they would have all kinds of terrible birth defects because of it. Why else would people look to me as an example?
A few days later I was home from the hospital, still pregnant. The doctors felt that I was doing fine and as long as I didn't overdo it, I had a good chance of carrying the twins to term. They were born at 36 weeks, small but healthy. Huh. Well, maybe there was something wrong with them that we hadn't noticed yet. Or maybe I was making too much of what had been said in the blessing. Maybe I had misunderstood.
Time passed and although the next year is a blur, I didn't really see that I was doing anything special or noteworthy. About half way through my husbands deployment to Iraq, I ran into another spouse I hadn't seen in a while. Our husbands worked together but we really didn't socialize.
For some reason she was in a talkative mood and instead of the usual "hi" or head nod, she asked about the kids and told me about hers. Then she said "you know, when I am having a bad day and want to just give up, I think of you. My day automatically gets better. I know that I have nothing to complain about compared to you. If you can do it, I certainly can." All I could do was stare. I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions I didn't know how to respond.
She just smiled and said her goodbyes. As she walked away I tried to make sense of what she had said. This was a woman I barely knew. I had so little contact with her I barely remembered her name. Yet she had looked to me as an example. I knew, down to my bones, that this was a fulfillment of the blessing I had received almost 2 years before. I was humbled by how the Lord had used me and ashamed of myself for doubting his words.
Sometimes I might get a little proud and a little self-centered, but mostly I don't think I am so different from anyone else. I could bore you to tears with stories of other people who have in some way inspired me. Through this experience and a few others I have learned that I don't have to be the best ever or the most perfect, amazing, superhuman, Stepford mom robot on earth. That person doesn't exist. A line from one of my favorite movies says it best; 'Don't be a great man, just be a man and let history make its own judgments." Apparently, when you do your best, people notice.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
How to deal with the fame
I have always wanted to be famous. I admit it. What exactly I wanted to be famous for changed on a regular basis. At one point I wanted to be a famous gymnast like Marylou Retton. I often daydreamed about being a famous singer like Anne Murray or actress like Melissa Gilbert or author like Peggy Parish. (What? You don't know who those women are or what they are best known for? Look them up and refresh your memory).
I remember being in elementary school when I realized that the only people who were famous enough to make the history books were people who did extraordinary things. Even then, fame fades with time. I began to look at the world in a different way and wonder, "what makes a person memorable"?
I was still thinking about fame and even fantasizing about it 20 years later. At this point I was the mother of four children, ages 4, 2, 1, and 1 (I have twins). My daydreams of becoming a famous...something were more for escaping the monotony of everyday life than actual hopes for the future. I found myself watching entertainment shows, filled with celebrity gossip, and imagining what life was really like for them.
One such program was about the "price of fame" in which celebrities bemoaned their lack of privacy and the enthusiasm of their fans, fighting for just a glimpse or a touch, screaming their names and pulling on their clothes. It was tragic. I sighed and thought about how hard that would be as I made dinner for my little family.
I emerged from the kitchen sometime later with a dish of hot food and headed for the table. The children had been watching a movie and had not bothered me. This changed when they saw me enter the room. They all ran to me, wrapping their little arms around my legs, pulling on my shirt and calling "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy". I stopped so as not to trip over them and not burn anyone with dinner.
As I shooed them away I thought "This must be what it is like to be famous". I laughed to myself as I thought about the similarities. They had been clinging to me, screaming my name, fighting for my attention. And I couldn't remember the last time I was not interrupted in the bathroom or shower. Talk about lack of privacy!
But then, unexpectedly, another thought came to my mind. I thought of my Great-great-great grandmother, Ary Stanley Ball (or "Granny Ball" as most people remember her). She was the first member of my family to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in North Carolina. She is somewhat of a legend among local church members. Many are descended from her and tell her story to their children. Even those who are not related have heard her story and have been touched in some way by the choices she made so many years ago.
As I thought of her, I thought of the countless people she has influenced by doing two simple things. One, having a testimony of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel and, two, passing that testimony on to her children. For a moment, I had a glimpse of the future generations who would come to know her and revere her for what she had given them. I imagined all the good they would do and the lives they would touch because of their own testimonies.
"This is true fame." the Spirit seemed to whisper. Tears poured freely from my eyes as I realized for the first time the divine purpose and possibilities of motherhood. I have not looked at motherhood the same way since.
I'd like to say that from then on I was completely happy being a stay-at-home mom, that I never wanted to be famous again and that I never forgot that lesson. But that would be a lie. I still complain, I still day dream and I still have moments when I want to just run away from it all. Those moments have become more rare. Maybe someday they will disappear forever. I guess it is just part of the process in becoming "superwoman".
I remember being in elementary school when I realized that the only people who were famous enough to make the history books were people who did extraordinary things. Even then, fame fades with time. I began to look at the world in a different way and wonder, "what makes a person memorable"?
I was still thinking about fame and even fantasizing about it 20 years later. At this point I was the mother of four children, ages 4, 2, 1, and 1 (I have twins). My daydreams of becoming a famous...something were more for escaping the monotony of everyday life than actual hopes for the future. I found myself watching entertainment shows, filled with celebrity gossip, and imagining what life was really like for them.
One such program was about the "price of fame" in which celebrities bemoaned their lack of privacy and the enthusiasm of their fans, fighting for just a glimpse or a touch, screaming their names and pulling on their clothes. It was tragic. I sighed and thought about how hard that would be as I made dinner for my little family.
I emerged from the kitchen sometime later with a dish of hot food and headed for the table. The children had been watching a movie and had not bothered me. This changed when they saw me enter the room. They all ran to me, wrapping their little arms around my legs, pulling on my shirt and calling "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy". I stopped so as not to trip over them and not burn anyone with dinner.
As I shooed them away I thought "This must be what it is like to be famous". I laughed to myself as I thought about the similarities. They had been clinging to me, screaming my name, fighting for my attention. And I couldn't remember the last time I was not interrupted in the bathroom or shower. Talk about lack of privacy!
But then, unexpectedly, another thought came to my mind. I thought of my Great-great-great grandmother, Ary Stanley Ball (or "Granny Ball" as most people remember her). She was the first member of my family to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in North Carolina. She is somewhat of a legend among local church members. Many are descended from her and tell her story to their children. Even those who are not related have heard her story and have been touched in some way by the choices she made so many years ago.
As I thought of her, I thought of the countless people she has influenced by doing two simple things. One, having a testimony of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel and, two, passing that testimony on to her children. For a moment, I had a glimpse of the future generations who would come to know her and revere her for what she had given them. I imagined all the good they would do and the lives they would touch because of their own testimonies.
"This is true fame." the Spirit seemed to whisper. Tears poured freely from my eyes as I realized for the first time the divine purpose and possibilities of motherhood. I have not looked at motherhood the same way since.
I'd like to say that from then on I was completely happy being a stay-at-home mom, that I never wanted to be famous again and that I never forgot that lesson. But that would be a lie. I still complain, I still day dream and I still have moments when I want to just run away from it all. Those moments have become more rare. Maybe someday they will disappear forever. I guess it is just part of the process in becoming "superwoman".
Monday, August 24, 2009
How to "do it all"
I have to say that the question "How do you do it all?" can be one of the most infuriating questions I have been asked. I guess it depends on who is asking. When the question comes from a woman with two kids who is working, going for her master's degree, volunteering in various programs, going to the gym 5 times a week, and paying a maid and a day care center to do all the "hard" stuff, the urge to slap her can be hard to resist.
Someone said to me several years ago that the best answer to that question is "I don't". That is the truth, too. There are only 24 hours in a day. There is only so much one person can do with those hours. Sleeping and eating take up a big chunk of that. Cooking and cleaning and doing all the other little things that keep your family running take up even more of your time. If you have small children, your hours are devoured by changings, feedings, cleanings, and (if you are lucky) cuddling.
There are worse ways to spend a day. Unfortunately we live in a society that puts incredible pressure on women to "live up to their potential". That is not bad advice but it isn't exactly good advice either. Who can determine what our potential is and whether or not we are living up to it? Besides that, a woman in her thirties isn't even half way through her life yet!
I have to admit that I feel that pressure to "prove myself" often. It isn't that I don't know motherhood is important. It is just...unglamorous. And it takes a while to get the hang of it. And it keeps changing because your kids grow up. And...well, you get the picture.
We don't make it easy on each other either. We show up other mothers all the time. Maybe it isn't our primary motive but it still happens. Haven't you ever spent hours making heart shaped cookies for your child's class party and felt just a twinge of satisfaction that yours were the talk of the first-grade? Or maybe you get up early to make sure your daughter has perfect curls for picture day. You might even make seemingly innocent comments to other mothers like "You mean you don't read to little Jimmy for an hour every night before he goes to bed?"
It may seem perfectly innocent from your perspective. After all, isn't that what "good mothers" do? A friend once asked me how she could be a good mother if she couldn't even make bread. My first reaction was "what on earth does making bread have to do with being a mother?" Yet when I got married the first thing I learn to make from my brand-new Betty-Crocker cookbook was bread rolls. Where on earth did that connection come from?
It isn't that we feel animosity for other mothers (usually) or that we want to put undue pressure on each other. It is simply the desire to be special. There is little about motherhood that makes you feel special...at least to the outside world. My most cherished moments are when my babies look at me with total and complete adoration. In that moment I know that I am the greatest thing in the world to them. In that moment, it doesn't matter that I don't have a degree, that I don't have a career, that I am... unexceptional. To that tiny, new life, I am everything.
Someone said to me several years ago that the best answer to that question is "I don't". That is the truth, too. There are only 24 hours in a day. There is only so much one person can do with those hours. Sleeping and eating take up a big chunk of that. Cooking and cleaning and doing all the other little things that keep your family running take up even more of your time. If you have small children, your hours are devoured by changings, feedings, cleanings, and (if you are lucky) cuddling.
There are worse ways to spend a day. Unfortunately we live in a society that puts incredible pressure on women to "live up to their potential". That is not bad advice but it isn't exactly good advice either. Who can determine what our potential is and whether or not we are living up to it? Besides that, a woman in her thirties isn't even half way through her life yet!
I have to admit that I feel that pressure to "prove myself" often. It isn't that I don't know motherhood is important. It is just...unglamorous. And it takes a while to get the hang of it. And it keeps changing because your kids grow up. And...well, you get the picture.
We don't make it easy on each other either. We show up other mothers all the time. Maybe it isn't our primary motive but it still happens. Haven't you ever spent hours making heart shaped cookies for your child's class party and felt just a twinge of satisfaction that yours were the talk of the first-grade? Or maybe you get up early to make sure your daughter has perfect curls for picture day. You might even make seemingly innocent comments to other mothers like "You mean you don't read to little Jimmy for an hour every night before he goes to bed?"
It may seem perfectly innocent from your perspective. After all, isn't that what "good mothers" do? A friend once asked me how she could be a good mother if she couldn't even make bread. My first reaction was "what on earth does making bread have to do with being a mother?" Yet when I got married the first thing I learn to make from my brand-new Betty-Crocker cookbook was bread rolls. Where on earth did that connection come from?
It isn't that we feel animosity for other mothers (usually) or that we want to put undue pressure on each other. It is simply the desire to be special. There is little about motherhood that makes you feel special...at least to the outside world. My most cherished moments are when my babies look at me with total and complete adoration. In that moment I know that I am the greatest thing in the world to them. In that moment, it doesn't matter that I don't have a degree, that I don't have a career, that I am... unexceptional. To that tiny, new life, I am everything.
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