Superwoman VS "The Clique"

Middle-Aged Mormon Man wrote a post about cliques a few days ago that has got me thinking. His post focuses more on how we, as individual members, sometimes exclude non-members from our social circles. My thoughts are a little bigger.

I grew up surrounded by devotees of many faiths. There are streets in my hometown lined with churches. I doubt there is a single road without at least a small church somewhere along the way. These churches, large and small, share one commonality in my memories: welcome.

Each of those churches prominently displays a sign welcoming visitors. They show times for their Sunday School and other services. They advertise their day cares and scouts and other activities. My brothers and I were invited to more vacation bible schools than I can count! I attended many activities and services for many different reasons. I never felt that the people were going to convert me or condemn me (...okay, I can think of one really creepy VBS where they tried to get my brother to speak in tongues but that was an exception!) For the most part, I was a welcome visitor. The people were friendly and kind.

Why can't we be like that?

I think Mormons feel such deep devotion to our beliefs that we often trip over ourselves! When a non-member shows up we either overwhelm them with our efforts or ignore them in our attempts to "play it cool". Of course, some of us have found that happy medium (I don't think I am one of them!) but we can't expect those few to do all the work.

I have thought about this a lot. I think it takes practice to be welcoming without slipping into the extremes. So, how do we practice?

I have long believed that our meeting houses should be more inviting. Not the building itself but the activities. Why aren't we advertising our scouting programs to the community? "Outsiders" are welcome and the scout budget covers dues and supplies for ALL participants. This could be a great advantage to communities that have low-income families who want to participate but can't afford it.

What about Relief Society meetings? I have a deep belief that the sisters in Relief Society are meant to be shining examples in this darkening world. I know, KNOW, that there are many women who need our steady courage in the face of so much pressure to be wicked. Yet we keep our meetings to ourselves.

Couldn't we invite other children to our Primary and youth activities? With a VBS and AWANA on every corner, why are our activities exclusive?

What about our Halloween parties, Christmas parties and Easter egg hunts?

I know that there are certain logistical issues when planning activities. I know about budgets and head counts and supply shortages. Those are so lame in the eternal scheme of things! Are we really going to look at some one in the afterlife and say "We would have invited you but we were on a tight budget."? I certainly don't want to say "It would have been extra work."!!!!!

I know we can individually invite people to stuff, and I do. I try to make is seem so normal, almost expected that they would want to come and I have managed to shrug it off when they say no. I no longer feel the rejection I once felt. But I still feel it is not enough.

I feel, deeply, that it is the duty of those who have been blessed with the gospel to invite others. We are ambassadors, hosts, guides. It seems we should not be hoarding the blessing of the gospel for ourselves but proclaiming them to everyone we meet.

What would it take, really?

Planning.

Consistency.

Time.

Effort.

Courage.

Sticktoitivness.

Can we do it?  Yes. Will we?

I think the reasons we keep to ourselves are the same old boring ones: fear, self-consciousness, laziness, human weakness,...

Imagine, just for a moment, what we could accomplish if we could only overcome these.

Superpowers 101: Rescuing The Stranded

I have always had a soft spot for missionary work. It is thrilling to think of sharing the many blessing that come with membership in the true church. But, sadly, I am a big chicken. Once upon a time I was zealous, even pushy, about telling people about the church. It didn't produce much fruit. Well, none really. Then I got distracted by life and became a bit of a recluse when it came to the gospel. As an adult, I didn't have to interact with non-members much. It isn't like high school where you don't have a choice. I don't work outside the home either so I didn't have to speak to anyone who wasn't LDS if I didn't want to. And I didn't.


I realized a few years ago that I needed to make some changes in this area of my life. It has been hard. I still feel a little nervous participating in non-church activities. I used to feel panic and dread so I guess nervous is an improvement.

Being around non-members has been humbling for me. I have asked myself more than once "What can I offer them that they don't already have?" Now, I know my LDS readers will instantly think of a dozen answers to that question but how would I say that to a non-member? We tend to attract people with activities and friendship. What if they already have that? What makes our friendship better than the ones they already have?

I have been surprised by the answer I have gotten as I pondered this problem. The Spirit has guided me from one thought to another over the past several months. I was sharing my experience with an LDS friend and suggested she join me in going to a non-church activity. She said, "I don't really need that. Relief Society is enough for me."

Now, I might have said that myself a few years ago. I fully understand that sentiment and I don't mean to sound critical of her or that comment. At that same time, I felt a rush of uncomfortable, upset feelings when she said that. I was surprised and I didn't really understand why I was feeling that way. I felt disturbed by my feelings.

I though "Why isn't Relief Society enough for me?" I felt disappointed in myself, as if I have rejected the gospel by seeking outside friendships and support. I spent several days reflecting on this. I realized that wasn't really true but I continued to wonder why I felt so compelled to associate with non-members.

I reflected again on the wonderful examples of faithful women I have come to know. They have motivated me to do better. I have become spoiled in the gospel. I really haven't had to work very hard and I have become lazier in my old age.

I was still thinking about this a few days ago when a story came forcefully into my mind. It is the story of the Willie and Martin Handcart Companies. They were stranded in the snow on their way to Salt Lake City. The people were dying. Word reached President Brigham Young during General Conference. He immediately stood and said

“I will now give this people the subject and the text for the Elders who may speak to-day and during the conference, it is this, on the 5th day of October, 1856, many of our brethren and sisters are on the plains with hand-carts, and probably many are now 700 miles from this place, and they must be brought here, we must send assistance to them. The text will be, ‘to get them here.’ I want the brethren who may speak to understand that their text is the people on the plains, and the subject matter for this community is to send for them and bring them in before the winter sets in. …

“I shall call upon the Bishops this day, I shall not wait until to-morrow, nor until [the] next day, for 60 good mule teams and 12 or 15 wagons. I do not want to send oxen, I want good horses and mules. They are in this Territory, and we must have them; also 12 tons of flour and 40 good teamsters, … 60 or 65 good spans of mules, or horses, with harness. …

“I will tell you all,” said he, “that your faith, religion, and profession of religion, will never save one soul of you in the celestial kingdom of our God, unless you carry out just such principles as I am now teaching you. Go and bring in those people now on the plains, and attend strictly to those things which we call temporal, or temporal duties, otherwise your faith will be in vain; the preaching you have heard will be in vain to you, and you will sink to hell, unless you attend to the things we tell you” (Deseret News, Oct. 15, 1856, 252). (as quoted by Gordon B. Hinckley, October 2006)

I thought of the circumstances of this event. 700 miles is a long way, even today. It would take time to make preparations and reach those in need. Would it really matter if they had finished the conference? Would it really matter if they waited until the next day? Apparently it would. Every moment was precious to those who were starving and freezing. Their brothers and sisters in Salt Lake were not suffering. They could have continued to live their comfortable lives and left those pioneers to die. It wouldn't make a difference in their lives, would it? President Young did not mince words. Our faith means nothing if we don't exercise it. "Faith without works is dead."(James 2:17)

So, what does this have to do with having non-member friends? Everything! There are many struggling to reach the truth but they are often detained by the many unpredictable challenges of life. They would be here if there was someone to bring them in. They are in need of rescue, maybe even more than those early saints. Who will go out into the cold and dangerous wilderness to find them? It must be us, the faithful members of the church.

In the moment it took for all these thoughts to converge, I heard the words of my friend again. "I have it, I don't need anything else." The powerful response echoed in my mind "They need you."

This isn't the first time I have had the idea that others needed me to be an example and share the blessing of the gospel. I often dismiss this idea as arrogance. Who do I think I am? But I am coming to understand that I have been richly blessed, not because I deserve it, because I am so much better than someone else, but because the Lord has given me a mission and I need to get on with it.

I am still a big chicken. I know I must rely on the Lord to keep from having a panic attack every time I tell someone what church I go to. My hope is that I can get past that and do what the Lord would have me do. I hope that I can go to the rescue of those brothers and sisters in need and bring them safely to the valley.

Superpowers 201: Speaking Kid

Apparently I do not speak the same language as the rest of my family. I have ample evidence of this. I first noticed that something wasn't right when my kids started translating for me. I would say "Put that away, please." and one of my other children would turn the person I had just spoken to and say "Mommy wants you to put that away." They do this immediately. Not a few minutes later, not after the child had walked off, and certainly not after being asked by me to carry out this message.


As I started noticing this phenomenon I tried to stop it. I now find myself saying "Why did you do that? Did I ask you to say that? Do you have some kind of authority in this family? Did I not speak clearly the first time?" Each time I am regarded with expressions of shock and confusion, as if they don't understand what I am talking about. Occasionally I will get a response along the lines of "But he wasn't listening." or "I was just trying to help." I find this completely baffling.

Another evidence that I speak another language is that my children often respond to comments or instructions that are not directed at them. Even if I say the name of the child I am addressing every child in the room will launch into immediate protests about how they didn’t' know they were supposed to do such-and-such or they are innocent of the specified crime. I am most shocked when my 11 year old responds to comments addressed to my 18 month old. "I didn't throw my food on the floor!" "Why do you want to change my diaper?" or even "I just had a bath why do you want me to take another one?" Sometimes I think he is he joking but very often he is quite serious. I suspect he believes that since he is the oldest child, everything I say is directed at him, some subconscious claim that I am his mother and the other children are just visiting.

The most upsetting evidence that I do not speak "kid" is the fact that they simply do not listen. Oh sure, they listen when I get their attention or when I am speaking to them casually. But when I start telling them things to do or not do, they seem to glaze over. I have experimented with tone of voice, I have simplified my vocabulary, I have tried different volumes and even body language but to no avail. I will say "didn't I just tell you...." and they will frown and say "You said something but...." shrugs. Sheepish grins. contemplative squinting. So I try again. Very slowly and plainly. "Put your clothes in the drawers." Sometimes this gets action but sometimes I get a confused, straining look, as if they are struggling to understand my words.

This reminds me very much of the experiences I had in Belgium, trying to find the right words in a French /English dictionary to tell the mailman that we didn't know the Schumakers or apologize to the neighbor for scaring his sheep.

And so with a daily multitude of these kinds of moments, I have generally come to accept the fact that I am talking to hear my own voice and that nothing I say matters in the slightest. With this mindset, a kind of low expectations=fewer disappointments philosophy, I have been shocked to learn that my children are turning into decent people. I mean, I never expected they would become criminals or divas but I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had kind of given up the idea that I was molding them into something specific and accepted that the potter’s wheel was turning at break-neck speeds and all I could do was keep the clay from spinning off.

I am not completely surprised. It isn’t that they are bad kids. I am just surprised that some of what I say gets through. I could give lots of examples, like when my 8 year old son helped me fold a load of laundry without being asked or when any one of them comes to me and says “I had a bad dream but I prayed like you told me to and I wasn’t scared anymore.” But I want to share something that happened just recently.

My 8 year old daughter was baptized in January. Since then she has been determined to bear her testimony every Fast and Testimony Meeting. She said “I was baptized, that means I have a testimony and I have to share it.” She is shy and nervous but she valiantly marches up to the stand and says her 2 or 3 sentence testimony. She is getting more confident, which brings me to the real story.

She has been struggling in school, mostly with reading. Her teacher recommended that she attend a summer literacy camp where she got intense reading help for 2 hours a day. It was a pain in the behind. It was from 10-12 every day. I had to drag all the kids back and forth each day. We couldn’t really do anything in the mornings because there wasn’t enough time any way you sliced it. And she didn’t seem to make much progress. I was feeling like it was a real waste of time.

One day, out of the blue, she came home and announced that her teacher needed to come to church with us. Apparently she had brought her daughters to school one day, dressed in tank tops. My daughter said she knew right away that they didn’t go to our church because they were not modest. Then she said that they really needed to come and she wanted to tell her teacher about the church. We discussed it for a few minutes, her enthusiasm bubbling over. I suggested that she take a Book of Mormon to her teacher. She jumped on the idea, wrapping it in pretty wrapping paper and writing her teacher’s name on the tag.

I was so nervous for her. I prayed that it would go well. I was so worried that her little, tender testimony would be crushed.

It wasn’t. It turned out that her teacher had grown up with a close friend who was a member. She had attended many church activities as a youth and spoke very fondly of those experiences.

I told my daughter how proud I was of her. She frowned at me and said “Why? I didn’t do anything big or special. I just gave her a Book of Mormon. That’s a little thing. What’s so great about that?” I explained that many adults don’t even do that. “I don’t know why.” She said “It’s not like it’s hard.”

Well, I was beyond words I was so proud of her! It wasn’t the kind of proud like I had done something great. It was a kind of awe that she was going down the right path. And a little celebrating because that meant I hadn’t completely screwed her up!

So, although the kids still translate for each other and we still have those “Belgian moments” where I don’t seem to be getting through, I guess they are the exceptions. It seems that the language barriers come up during the mundane, everyday talking and not the important stuff. This gives me hope. Even if they are staring off into space or playing with legos while I try and explain why they need to pray or the importance of being kind I guess I will just keep talking!