Funny Things My Kids Have Said

My 10-year-old every time something is funny: "That's delirious!"
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For weeks my 3-year-old has been asking for "My Pinchers". I couldn't figure out for the life of me what he was saying. He even made little pinching motions with his fingers. Finally, I said "Show me your pinchers." He brought me "The Avengers" DVD.   He still calls them "My Pinchers"

His new favorite is "Conformers." (Or possible CARformers, which is actually kind of cool!)

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My 11-year old daughter brought me a magazine. She pointed to a photo and said excitedly "I think I know her! She was in my class last year!" I expressed my doubts. "But it looks just like her!" she went on. "It's the splitting image of her!"


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My ten-year-old son gets words mixed up sometimes. Yesterday, his sister was trying to get him to do something for her. He got kind of worked up and yelled at her. "Who do you think I am? Cellerinda?"

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He also says "wiqulid". (This one makes me smile every time!)

Silly Scenery

I looked out the window and what did I see?...

 

... a beech tree sticking out it's tongue at me!

Too Much Of A Good Thing?

Well, we still don't have a house...Yet. I have to admit it is starting to get to me. It is getting to the kids, too.

Today I went to the store. My 4 year old cried to go with me.

"Why? Don't you want to stay here and play?"

"No! I'm too scared to stay here!"

"What are you scared of?"

"I'm scared that Grandma will kiss me a whole bunch!"

Four-Year-Olds....

Sunady was Fast and Testimony Meeting. Two of my boys went up to bear their testimonies. My 4 year-old daughter asked "Can I go up there?"
"Sure. But you have to bear your testimony."
"Will you go with me?"
"I'll think about it."
"Well, don't break your back."

Called out by a preschooler!


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A few weeks ago, this same kid was watching some show anout animals. A little later, she came hopping into the room and said "Mommy! I'm a Kanagroo!"


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She also screams at me every time I step on a crack in the sidewalk!"DON'T STEP ON THE CRACKS!!!!"

Superpowers 101: Shopping with a Toddler...or 2 or 3!

I have joined a facebook couponing group. Someone recently asked "How do I go shopping with my toddler?" I almost laughed out loud! I have been shopping with children for almost 12 years. I took my 4 oldest to the store often. When they were small, I got one of those carts with a double seater attached, strapping the older ones into the seats and setting the 2 infant carriers across the basket. I had to remove one each time I put something into the cart! I even took them to the Commissary case lot sale!!! I have sometimes taken all 7 of my children to the store (although I try not to!)

Here are a few things I have learned that make shopping with young children a little smoother.

1. Give Yourself Lots of Time! This is a really big one. When you are in a rush, you are less patient so you get easily annoyed and irritated which makes your kids more irritated which makes you...you know, 'round and round it goes! I give myself plenty of time and try not to plan anything else on shopping days so I can take my time. It feels like a field trip instead of a chore.

2. Go Early: If you go early in the day the store is usually not crowded. This isn't just for your kids but you too. When the store is crowded there is a feeling that you might be in someone else's way. If the store is empty you can compare prices and take the kids to the bathroom without inconveniencing others.

3. Plan Ahead: Make a list. Go down the aisles in your head and make your list according to what it on each aisle. This helps you get through the store faster and avoid the areas that might cause trouble (like the candy aisle!) I like to put a star next to the items that I have coupons for so I know when to go to my coupons and when to skip it.

4. Pack A Bag: Bring your diaper bag (or purse) packed with a few simple items to entertain your kids. Some ideas might include a small snack, candy or gum, a few small toys like a car or small doll, a water bottle. I sometimes let my kids play with expired coupons so they feel like they are doing what I am doing. I save these items for later and I don't let them know I have them. I can usually get about half way through the store without going for the bag, sometimes longer!

5. Include Them: Ask them questions like "Which bananas should we get?" or "The hamburger's on sale. Should we get some?" "Can you believe there are so many varieties of  barbecue sauce?"My daughter seems to think she is making some pretty important decisions! She reminds me to get things and really enjoys our trips.

6. Give Yourselves A Break: You have a TODDLER!!! There will be tears. There will be smiles. There will be stinky diapers 5 minutes after you change the wet one. There will be rude people who tell you to make some friends so you don't have to bring your kids in public (yes, someone actually said this to me!) Just let it go. Be gentle with yourselves.

Who cares if your child gets worn out by the time you reach the freezer section and cries for 10 minutes because you didn't get the right Popsicles! Who cares if he realizes that his voice echos and he screeches through the store, laughing every time you try to shush him? Does it really matter in the eternal scheme of things? If you get the food and the kids leave the store smiling, you can count the trip a success. What happens in Kroger, stays in Kroger!



What else has worked for you? What has been a miserable failure? Share your ideas! 

Superwoman and the Back-To-School Clothes

It's that time of year again. The time when we parents are running frantically from store to store to find pencils, paper, crayons, hand sanitizer and, yes, even new clothes for our children. Why? Why do we spend all our time and money to turn our kids into catalog models when we know they will be scuffed and stained next week?

Here is a theory. Summer is coming to an end. We have spent 2 months with our kids, day and night, week after week, hearing them bicker and whine and watching them eat everything in the house like a swarm of locusts. We have given up on the dream of peace. Not WORLD peace. Just a moment of peace and quiet. We don't remember what it is any more. We are beyond crying, twitching slightly every time we hear them scream insanities like "He's breathing my air" and "She's going to tell everyone my name is spelled with a C!"

Now, in spite of all this, we love those kids. We want them to be happy and adorable, smart and successful. We know they can be. But we NEED A BREAK!!!! Just a few moments to sit and stare at the wall without being interrupted. We want to get all the laundry folded the same day we wash it. We want to finish washing the dishes without an endless procession of dirty dishing lining up (because, Heaven knows, you can't eat a banana without a plate!) Is that really too much to ask?!?!

So we send them off to this wonderful institution created for us by the federal government called "school". They will get to play and show off to their friends and might even learn something. This service is provided by a group of people called teachers. They are very powerful people who are highly educated and have better things to do than listen to your child whine and gripe all day. They might, just might, say your child is too annoying or moody or insane for them and they will send them back to you... forever.

THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN!!!! There will be no peace, no end to dishes and laundry, no logical reasoning, no break from the craziness! Then the kids won't learn anything and have to live with you for the rest of their lives, watching TV, screaming at the sight of bread crust and trying very hard to breathe only their own air.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The teacher MUST like the student enough to keep them in school! How can we trick her? Maybe if we dress them up and make them look really cute and send them with sparkly pencils and fancy notebooks the teacher will like them enough to over-look their touturous behavior and let them stay.

Superwoman and the Quest for the Perfect Pencil Sharpener

My first child started school 7 years ago. That day was the beginning of my quest for a quality pencil sharpener. I have purchased dozens of cheap, plastic manual sharpeners with varying results. Ultimately they all fail in some way and end up in the garbage.


A few years ago I broke down and bought a small electric sharpener. The children managed to break the power cord in two after only a few months!


This year alone I have purchased 3 manual sharpeners, all are broken or lost. And school started 2 weeks ago!

I have looked at department stores for an inexpensive, quality pencil sharpener with no luck. They are all crap!

As I write this, I am looking at the only known pencil sharpener in our home. It is a Strawberry Shortcake sharpener from a child's stationary set.

Why, do you ask? Why do I care about sharpening a stupid pencil? Because I have a problem. "Hello, My name is Amy and I'm a pencil-holic." I even have proof!

Yes, that is a Clementine box full of pencils! It was already pretty full but I added another 120+ this year because "They were on sale" and "The kids will use them at school" and "They don't go bad".

*SIGH*

Now do you see why I need a pencil sharpener that actually works? These hundreds of pencils are useless without one!

I used to work in a pencil sharpener factory. Seriously. I spent 2 summers working as a temp at Hunt Manufacturing, makers of X-acto knives, Speedball art supplies and Boston pencil sharpeners (among other things!)

It wasn't a bad job. I worked in the paint room for a short time, putting metal parts on the paint racks and stacking them in crates when they were finished. I also worked on an assembly line with 3 other women making electric sharpeners. We rotated positions every two hours. I might be adding a power cord, putting on a cover or packaging the finished product for shipping. I liked this too. It gave me time to think about whatever I wanted while doing the same simple tasks over and over.

One thing I remember about these jobs is the quality control. Each station checked the products for quality. If there was a problem, it went back to the previous station to be corrected. We all took pride in our work and tried to present a quality product.

My family had an old Boston sharpener (similar to this X-acto model) that my dad had rescued. Someone was going to throw it away because it didn't work. (It turned out it was just REALLY full of shavings. I suspect it had never been emptied and the owner probably didn't even think of that.) I loved that machine! It worked great! I felt really proud to play a small role in making similar products.

This background in the pencil sharpener industry makes my current failures even more frustrating. I know there are good products out there. I know there are people who care about the quality of their work. Now I must seek out the fruits of tehir labors and, hopefully, reap the harvest!

The Bad Influence of Good Friends

I was inspired to write this as I sat at my computer eating a bowl of homemade Ganache. I whipped mine so that it was kind of foamy and fluffy. A few days ago I mixed some homemade strawberry jam into a small bowl of Ganache and ate it. I also used this combination on homemade wheat rolls. I even tried to make little candies by melting milk chocolate, making a circle on a piece of waxed paper, topping this with ganache and jam then covering the whole thing with more melted chocolate. They tasted great, although they wouldn't win any "pretty" awards.

The reason I even know about this heavenly and addictive substance is because of my friend, S. She makes the most amazing, most luxurious, rich, decadent desserts I have ever tasted! Like Millionaire's Shortbread. We have had a number of conversations about the importance of real butter, cream, "good" chocolate, etc. We share the ideology that if your going to eat, you might as well eat the good stuff!

My husband also has this philosophy. He prefers to eat expensive cuts of beef like Porterhouse and Tenderloin. With 7 kids, this isn't exactly economical. At the same time, an occasional dinner of bacon-wrapped tenderloins leaves us satisfied for months. It makes such treats special and more highly valued.

These rich and tasty treats are not, however, good for you. During those moments when I am eating Ganache for breakfast, I acknowledge my tight waistband and think "Curse you, S! How dare you expose me to such evil temptations!" Then I eat another bite and think "Wow! I sure am blessed to have friends that bring such sweetness and pleasure into my life!"

Superpowers 101: Saying Things Out Loud: Part 2

Just to recap:

In my head, things sound pretty good. My excuses are justifiable. My reasoning is logical. My conclusions are insightful.


Then I open my big mouth.

I hear words, in my own voice, and think "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

I grope for the words as they race through the air at the speed of sound. I can not reach them fast enough. I can not grab them in my fist and crush them into oblivion. I can not suck them back into my head so they can be recycled into new thoughts. I can only observe and react.

Often, when this happens, I find myself laughing. In truth, these have been some very enlightening moments.

Moment #2:

I was one of those crazy little girls who can think of nothing but marriage and motherhood. I took it in phases, of course. But I can remember being very nearly obsessed with the idea of finding my "true love". I didn't outgrow this.

As a teenager I started making lists. This was my wish list for what my husband would be like. It changed often. Sometimes it said things like "college degree, wavy hair, blue eyes, tall, etc." It might change to "smart, hard-working, spiritual." Sometimes it was long. Sometimes it was very short.

I tried to be sensible. I tried to rely on spiritual guidance. I looked for clues in my patriarchal blessing. I prayed. I studied the scriptures.

My plan was to find a guy with these qualities. The perfect guy. *sigh*.

There were a few problems with this. For one thing, I found a lot of guys with many of the qualities on my various lists. But they often had other qualities that I didn't care for. On more than one occasion I was smitten by some pretty face, only to be seen as "just a friend" by him.

One night, I was pouring out my frustrations in my journal. I lamented the difficulties of "finding my husband". I felt that I was somehow failing in my duties. I was missing something important. I wrote something like "I feel that I should just turn this over to the Lord but I am afraid of who he will pick."

Yes, I actually wrote that. I stopped and stared at the page. Then I started laughing. Out loud.  "What an idiot!" I said to myself. As if the Lord would pick the wrong guy! I realized that I was relating God to my parents or friends. I might not want the man they chose for me but if I left it up to God...how could I go wrong?!

I finally relaxed about dating. I lost that intense pressure I had to find the perfect husband. I stopped sizing a guy up and going over the mental checklist before he could say hello. And I had a great time! I was having so much fun that I was almost disappointed when I met my husband a few months later. It was what can only be described as love at first sight. I knew the moment he walked through the door that he was "The One." I was, and still am, very sure that he was the man God chose for me. I sometimes think to myself that I have an arranged marriage! :)

And you know what? He has everything on my list!

Superpowers 101: Saying Things Out Loud, Part1

In my head, things sound pretty good. My excuses are justifiable. My reasoning is logical. My conclusions are insightful.

Then I open my big mouth.

I hear words, in my own voice, and think "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

I grope for the words as they race through the air at the speed of sound. I can not reach them fast enough. I can not grab them in my fist and crush them into oblivion. I can not suck them back into my head so they can be recycled into new thoughts. I can only observe and react.

Often, when this happens, I find myself laughing. In truth, these have been some very enlightening moments.

Moment # 1:

Several years ago, our Relief Society President brought her family to help me with our large, unruly Belgian yard. My husband had started the battle for lawn with the overgrown field that passed for a backyard but quickly escaped to a 4 month training school in the States.

As we raked leaves and chased kids she shared some of here experiences with being a military wife. We talked about the challenges of separation and reintegration. I confessed that  I sometimes dreaded my husband's return. I explained how he had different standards of cleanliness than I did. I expressed my frustration that I could work all day and he would still find something to complain about.

Then it happened. The words just ran out of their own accord, as if escaping from prison. I said "Like, he gets upset if I don't wash the table everyday." I froze. Did I really just say that? She smiled, no doubt seeing my own reaction to what I had said. I tried to explain. We had 4 kids under 5. They were incapable of eating a single meal without making some kind of mess. I also explained that I might spend the whole day doing other things and forget about the table being sticky.

Finally she let me off the hook. "I know what you mean. I've been there." We changed the subject (Thank goodness!) but I had been slapped hard by my own words. Was that really so much to ask? I understood, somehow for the first time, what my husband meant when he said "I don't ask for much." He was right. I just needed to refine my priorities a little.

I started making certain tasks daily necessities. I consciously created new work habits for myself. They are still evolving. But I am painfully aware of the condition of my table!

Superpowers 101: Pot-lucking

I recently attended a wonderful potluck dinner with a heritage theme. Amazing foods from all over the world were overflowing from the tables. It was one of those moments when you wish you had extra hands... and mouths and stomachs!

Watching the other feasters attempt to sample the wares with a significantly limited space budget, I reflected on the fine art of getting most out of a pot-luck dinner. Here are my personal suggestions.

1. Portion Control. When there are lots of choices and you feel overwhelmed with the task of limiting your selections, think small. Take a small spoonful of this or a sliver of that. Don't be afraid to take only part of a pre-cut portion. You will have room for more variety and allow more of your fellow diners to have a taste. (There is always the possibility of seconds!)

2. Throw Neuroses to the Wind! I am amazed at the number of people who don't like their food to touch! If you want to enjoy a pot luck, GET OVER IT!! At least put it on the shelf for an hour or two.

2,b. Location, Location, Location! Don't just pile things on you plate without thinking! Put the pasta salads on one side and the Mexican on the other. Put the boring stuff like rice or veggies in the middle. A little flavor from their neighbors might give them an added kick.

3. Have a Sharing Partener. Maybe you go down opposite sides of the table. Maybe one gets salads while the other gets sides. Then sample from one another's plates. This is an especially good idea for parents of small children. They can put things on their kids plates when they run out of room! (Face it, they won't eat any of it anyway!)

4. Prioritize. When you have lots of tempting choices, like I did recently, get the things you really want to try instead of trying everything. You don't need to eat four kinds of green salad or three kinds of cheesecake. (OR skip the salads all together and try every kind of cheesecake!)

Potluck dinners can be fun and exciting as you try new flavors and get ideas for next week's dinner. You learn who to go to for recipes and cooking tips. You also learnt hat you don't like certain foods or flavors. And that's the whole point. It is an endless buffet of learning...literally!

Superwoman VS Mommy Butt Magnets

What are Mommy Butt Magnets? You know, that mysterious magnetic force that causes your children to follow you around the house all day. It is obvious that one is placed into the mother's back side and the other is in the child's forehead. That explains why they keep getting hit in the head when the mother makes a quick turn or bends over without warning.

I am not sure who placed these magnets into the mother and her offspring but it is really a safety hazard. I, personally, have knocked my kids down, stepped on their toes and bonked them in the head with my elbows or something I am carrying or knocked them onto a counter or doorknob or wall. I estimate that more than half of the injuries my kids experience from the time they can walk until they go to school are caused by this dangerous Butt Magnet.

I am not sure how long it takes for the force to wear off. My oldest child is 11 and he still occasionally falls victim to the pull of the Mommy Butt Magnet, although it seems his attractive force is no longer in his forehead. I know the field has weakened somewhat because he does not follow me around all the time.

One possible explanation for the seemingly weakened strength of the magnets is that there are younger children around. Perhaps they are deflecting the magnetic field from the older children. I know that more than one small child can be affected at one time, giving the "train" effect. Sometimes they form in a small cluster around the back of the mother. There is a definite increase in hazards associated with this clustering or train-car phenomenon.

Anyone experiencing this should be aware that the strength of the Mommy Butt Magnet is severely weakened when you are ion a public place. It seems that the magnet in the child's forehead is shorted by the proximity to toys, candy, other children, animals, buttons, balloons, and generally anything shiny, noisy or interesting. Mothers can not rely on the Butt Magnets to keep their children close in a public environment.

There seems to be no cure, no tests to detect it, and therefore no way of removing it. Those experiencing symptoms of this phenomenon should do their best to minimize accidents and take precautions to insure the safety of those involved.

Good Luck!

Superwoman Movie Picks

Growing up, my family had a certain set of movies that we enjoyed. When I got married, my husband introduced me to a whole new set of movies that I would never have chosen. As I marvel at the melding of our movie tastes, I often think "How was this movie out there and I never knew about it?" Now that I am a mother, I am always on the look out for entertaining, enlightening movies that our family can watch together. Here are a few that I suggest to you.


These are all movies that I find cheerful or uplifting in some way. I like to watch them when I am feeling a little down.

You've Got Mail, starring Tom Hanks ans Meg Ryan. I didn't like it that much when I first saw it. After 9/11 I was feeling a little distraught and I decided to watch this movie. It helped, for some reason. I watched it a lot in the weeks that followed that tragedy. It still cheers me up. It does have a few aspects that are not appropriate (like the characters living with their boyfriend/girlfriend) but there are no "fast forward" parts.

Support Your Local Sheriff, starring James Garner. This is a western comedy. I really enjoy this movie and my 10 year old son thinks it is hilarious. It is quite clean and while there is some threat of violence, it is not scary. (So if you don't want your kids to see guns, this isn't the movie for you.)

Follow That Dream, starring Elvis Presley. This is a very cute, funny movie, although it might be a little slow for kids. It has a lot of sweet humor. There are a few mildly suggestive scenes and there is some threat of violence from mobsters who run an illegal casino.

McLintock, starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. This is western but it is very funny. There is a slightly serious undertone related to Native American issues of the time period. There are a few scenes with fighting and even a spanking scene that would never be allowed in today's movies. It has some very good messages about life and marriage.

The Thrill of it All, starring James Garner and Doris Day. This is about a stay-at-home mom who gets a job and gets over her head. This would be such a  flop today but I appreciate that women really did choose their families over their careers once upon a time.

The Sound of Music, starring Julie Andrews. I know. Your are thinking that I really didn't need to actually tell you this was a great movie but, just for the record, it is wonderful. It is a musical and has some serious parts and some slow parts but I love every bit of it! (And so do my kids!)

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, starring Jane Powell and Howard Keel. This is a musical comedy. It may not be to everyone's taste. My brothers used to imagine themselves in this film. It is classic old-Hollywood musical. I love Howard Keel's voice. I could listen to him all day.

Singin' In The Rain, starring Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds. This is one of my all-time favorite movies. It takes place during the transition from silent to "talking" pictures. It is funny and educational (if you care about film history). My kids like it, too.

While You Were Sleeping, starring Sandra Bullock. Another absolute favorites. It takes place during Christmas so it kind of feels like a holiday movie but I watch it all year long. It has a few "grown-up" comments but is very clean and sweet. It is one of those movies that makes me happy!

I guess that is a nice list for now. I hope you have a chance to watch some of these wonderful movies. Check your local library.

Super Rewards : Humor, Part 2

My son is in a serious transformer mode right now. He calls our Suburban "Optimus" and yellow  is "Bumblebee color".  A few weeks ago after church he ran off through the parking lot. I found him standing in front of a yellow mustang. I asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm just talking to Bumblebee."


My kids are learning a lot of words and phrases but they still struggle to get them just right. The other day my 8 year old daughter was wrestling with my 10 year old son. He suddenly cried out in pain. When I asked what happened, he said "She hit me in the crutch."


My 3 year old has reached the "kisses make it better" stage. A few days ago, he was whining about a random pain. I was busy and didn't really pay attention until I walked out of the room and heard his pleading cry "But mommy, you didn't kiss my butt!"


My six year old son had been struggling to read. One day we were going through a phonics workbook. On the "C" page, there were several rows of pictures and he was to choose the ones that started with the "C" sound. He had gotten most of them but did not choose the car. This surprised me because he is quite a car fan. After telling him that he had missed one, I pointed to several pictures and asked what they were and if they started with a "C". When I pointed to the car and asked if it started with a "C" he shook his head. Frustrated, I asked "What is that?!" Very calmly he replied "A green Ferrari."


After being overseas for many years, watching AFN (which is commercial-free) my kids have been thoroughly memorized by commercial advertising. Here are a few of the things they have said to me to show just how powerful those brief ads can be.

1. My 9 year old son asked "Why aren't they showing that show I like anymore?" When I asked which one, he replied, "The one about the motorcycle insurance."
2. My 7 year old son wanted to know if we could go to "that store that sells insurance." (Both of those are Progressive commercials. Whoever made car insurance interesting to children should get a serious bonus!)
3. My 8 year old daughter asked if she could have those things that make your skirts twirl. I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. It turned out to be a tampon commercial!

Super rewards: Humor, part 1

I thought we might all enjoy a little comic relief. As a mother, humor seems to be built into my day. Here are a few of the funny things my kids have said or done. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

As the weather has gotten colder, my kids have been bundling up. My 8 year old daughter came in the other day and said "I hate wearing these winter hats. They make my hair ecstatic!"

I was watching a program on the History channel with my 9 year old son. They were talking about possible reasons that dinosaurs are extinct. After a few minutes he said "They are wrong. That is not how dinosaurs died." "Oh, really? How did they die?" He gave me an exasperated sigh and said "From instinct."

My three year old is learning letters. He excitedly points to W and says "Look, Mommy it's me!" "No, that's double-u." "Yes!" he says with even more enthusiasm "Double-Me!"

When my daughter was about 2 1/2 she began noticing some differences between her body and mine. I explained that those round things on my chest were called breast. I told her that everyone has breast but they are different shapes and sizes. She smiled then looked down the front of her shirt. She looked back at me with wide-eyed shock and said "I lost 'em!"

A few years ago my kids started telling me that "Daddy is going to die soon." This made me very unsettled. After several weeks, I finally decided to get to the bottom of their morbid declaration. "Why do you keep saying that Daddy is going to die?" There answer was not what I expected. "He is the biggest person we know so he must be really old. When you get old you die so I guess he will die really soon!" (This was again illustrated when they said that the short, elderly couple at church were only a few years older than them.)

I was explaining Leprosy to my children one day. I explained that it was a terrible disease that makes your skin fall off. Long ago, there was no treatment and people who had the disease were sent to live together in a Leper Colony so they would not give it to other people. When I was finished, my 9 year old nodded and said "Okay. I just have one question. Why did they have to go live with Leprechauns?"


My 3 year old has been going through a "naked phase" He came to me a few days ago in just his superman underwear and asked if he could "fly" off the couch. I said "No, but what you can do is go get some clothes and put them on your body." He gave me smile and said "Um, Mommy? That's not gonna happen."


Feel free to share your own funny stories and comments from your kids!