Monday, August 22, 2011

Superwoman and the Back-To-School Clothes

It's that time of year again. The time when we parents are running frantically from store to store to find pencils, paper, crayons, hand sanitizer and, yes, even new clothes for our children. Why? Why do we spend all our time and money to turn our kids into catalog models when we know they will be scuffed and stained next week?

Here is a theory. Summer is coming to an end. We have spent 2 months with our kids, day and night, week after week, hearing them bicker and whine and watching them eat everything in the house like a swarm of locusts. We have given up on the dream of peace. Not WORLD peace. Just a moment of peace and quiet. We don't remember what it is any more. We are beyond crying, twitching slightly every time we hear them scream insanities like "He's breathing my air" and "She's going to tell everyone my name is spelled with a C!"

Now, in spite of all this, we love those kids. We want them to be happy and adorable, smart and successful. We know they can be. But we NEED A BREAK!!!! Just a few moments to sit and stare at the wall without being interrupted. We want to get all the laundry folded the same day we wash it. We want to finish washing the dishes without an endless procession of dirty dishing lining up (because, Heaven knows, you can't eat a banana without a plate!) Is that really too much to ask?!?!

So we send them off to this wonderful institution created for us by the federal government called "school". They will get to play and show off to their friends and might even learn something. This service is provided by a group of people called teachers. They are very powerful people who are highly educated and have better things to do than listen to your child whine and gripe all day. They might, just might, say your child is too annoying or moody or insane for them and they will send them back to you... forever.

THIS CAN NOT HAPPEN!!!! There will be no peace, no end to dishes and laundry, no logical reasoning, no break from the craziness! Then the kids won't learn anything and have to live with you for the rest of their lives, watching TV, screaming at the sight of bread crust and trying very hard to breathe only their own air.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The teacher MUST like the student enough to keep them in school! How can we trick her? Maybe if we dress them up and make them look really cute and send them with sparkly pencils and fancy notebooks the teacher will like them enough to over-look their touturous behavior and let them stay.

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