I have been blogging for about 3 1/2 years now. I get asked questions about parenting and kids and stuff like that and I wanted to 1) record those answers while I am still able to know what I am talking about and 2) make that information available to others.
Let's face it; none of us really know what we are doing. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. We learn some things from our parents and some things from our peers and some things through experience. Then there are the things we learn from "experts".
But just who are these so-called "experts"? Are they parents who have been in the thick of life, waging the daily battles against tantrums and messes? Probably not.
"Experts" are people who study what other parents do; in other words, they have a job. Even if these "studiers" have kids ( some don't!) their kids are probably in day care 40 + hours a week (or possibly have a nanny) so the parents are only with their own kids a few hours a day at most.
It is easy to put your kid to bed at the same time every night if you have to get up and be somewhere the next morning, day in day out, for their entire childhood.
It is easy to feed them healthy food if all you have to do is tell the person you are paying to do it or they will be fired.
It is easy to pay someone to potty train your child for you while you go off to research how other people do it.
I am sure there are lots of really dedicated parents out there who do the best they can with the time they have. I am not dissing them.
What I am gripping about is that so many people rely so heavily on what "experts" have to say.
Why are we not looking to experienced parents for advice? Why are we not asking those in similar circumstances how to solve an issue? We rush to the "experts" for their advice instead. Why? You do realize that they change their mind about stuff ALL the time, right?
When my first child was born, I was the kind of parent I am describing. If the doctor didn't say he could eat it/do it/ wear it/use it I didn't even consider it. I was almost crippled by fear of doing the wrong thing. I didn't appreciate the advice I got from "experienced" mothers. They were outdated and possibly immune to the true needs of my precious baby.
Of course, when my youngest children were born, as little as 6 years later, I was often "corrected" by doctors and nurses who told me that "things have changed since then" and "we no longer recommend that". I was a ball of confusion. I was mortified that I was doing the "wrong" thing for my baby. I was ashamed that I had not stayed current on what was right for my children. And I was angry, very, VERY angry that I was made to feel this way by the very people I was supposed to rely on!
I came to realize that there is no magic bullet to destroy all the possible illnesses, injuries, and issues my child might have. Childhood research is a minefield of contradictory information. Let your child cry- Never let them cry. Vaccinate-Don't vaccinate. Bottle feed-Breastfeed. Keep them busy-Let them play. Drink milk- Avoid dairy. Eat grains-Avoid gluten. Eat vegetables and meat- But they might have diseases.
The real problem is that the "experts" lead us to believe that if we do the wrong thing disasters will ensue.
If our kids watch TV they will become violent idiots who will kill people but won't be able to confess because they will be too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you don't read to them they will never get a job and live with you for the rest of your life.
If you don't let them play sports they will never learn to work with others and grow up to be jerks.
If you don't expose them to art and music they will never have a creative thought and be mindless drones.
If they eat the wrong foods they might become allergic, or get food poisoning, or develop behavior issues, or have learning problems, or get really fat and all the issues that go along with that.
And it will ALL be YOUR fault!
Yes, I have issues with "experts". I admit that a part of me is really irritated that I have shared so much practical information on this public blog, exposing many of my own struggles and imperfections as a parent, and yet when an "expert" says the same thing it gets passed around the Internet like some kind of holy grail. I read these articles and thing"I wrote a post about that a while back." But apparently no one read it. Or they did and thought "Why should I listen to you? You're a nobody. But now that an "expert" has said it I will change my ways and do exactly what they say, (which is what you said months ago and I ignored you)."
There is some good information available, more than ever before. But sifting through it is a lot of work. And only rarely is there a disaster.
I have 2 friends with young adult children. I watched their kids grow up. The mothers have made very different choices. One bottle-fed, one breast-fed. One was strict, one was lenient. They both taught their kids right from wrong. Both fed their children, dressed them, sheltered them, corrected their behavior, taught them things. Loved them.
They have all turned out differently. I can see that sometimes it is because of the personalities of the children. Sometimes it is because of things the parents did or didn't do. Both mothers made choices that helped their kids. Both made choices that hurt their kids. Both did their best. All their kids grew up to be obnoxious, moody teenagers and fairly decent adults. No criminals, no disasters. Although they are all making their own mistakes now. It is part of life.
Why can't experts give advice like that? Love your kids. Help them. Teach them about the things you value. Be there for them when they make their own mistakes. And keep loving them.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Monday, May 6, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Superpowers 101: A Good Night's Sleep
Many mothers believe that once their child is born they will never, EVER, sleep again.
NOT TRUE!
Newborns, of course, usually wake up every few hours to eat. That can't be helped. Older kids will have nightmares. Sickness inevitably strikes in the wee hours. Beyond that, adequate sleep is NOT just a distant fantasy for parents.
The first thing you have to do is take a good, hard look at your situation. It is very possible that the reason you aren't sleeping is you!
Are you insecure about your parenting abilities?
Do you feel you are neglecting your child if you are not with them every moment?
Do you think crying = mommy screwed up?
Do you believe that you are somehow making your child better by "sacrificing" your sleep for him?
If you said yes to any of those questions then you are mistaken.
Think about this: what is a parent's role? To prepare their children for adulthood. Sleep is good for kids. They grow when they are asleep. They are happier when they are well rested. (Ditto for you)They are developing habits that will last the rest of their lives.
So, mommy, suck it and sacrifice your feelings for the good of your child!
Here are my guidelines for a good sleeper ( I wouldn't really bother before they are 6 months old. Infants need lots of attention around the clock!)
1. Don't rush in every time they make a sound. Some people are of the opinion that if their child might be crying and they don't get immediate attention they will be scarred for life. Others will let their kids scream and cry for hours. In my opinion, both are wrong. It's okay to let your child cry for a few minutes. If it is in the middle of the night, they might not even be awake. Give them a little space to figure things out. Eventually, they will have to learn to take care of themselves (unless you are planning to let them live with you for the rest of your lives!)
2. Try new things. Children change as they grow and develop. They might develop a fear of the dark. Trying a nightlight could help. Maybe they need a bedtime snack. Maybe they are cold or hot at night. My kids seemed to need reassurance that I would be there when they woke up so "see you in the morning" has become part of our nightly routine. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. Experiment and see what works. Just remember the goal is sleep for everyone!
3. Don't reward night waking. It is so tempting to cuddle your baby, sing them lullabies, rock them to sleep, hold them in your arms and stare into their beautiful, angelic face. Do that stuff during the day. If your baby is getting lots attention from you at night they will keep waking up. Instead, keep the lights off, keep the cuddling to a minimum, don't sit on the couch and watch TV with them. Let them know sleep is the only option.
4. Remember who's in charge. That would be you. Parenting sometimes means doing the hard things for the right reasons. If your child is healthy, well-fed, clean, and loved, you are a great mom. Don't let them manipulate you into staying up all night playing and reading and hugging. You don't have to be mean. Just firm. Put them in bed and walk away. (It's okay if you go to your room and cry just don't let them know!)
5. You don't have to be mean to win. I am always shocked when I hear someone say "Oh, don't make them take a nap! That's so mean!" Seriously? No, I don't buy it. It is not mean to make them sleep. Kids need sleep. Parents need sleep. It isn't mean to want a basic human need. If you loose your temper because you are exhausted and you scream and cry and throw things then yeah, that's not good. But saying "Baby, it's time for bed. You need to go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning. Good Night" and then walking away, that's not mean.
6. Consistency is key. I used to think that meant never making exceptions, being ridged and immovable. But I have learned that consistency is much easier than that. In the case of sleeping, consistency simply means making sleep the priority. Maybe you give in sometimes. Maybe you let them stay up a little late once in while. It's okay. But if a good night's sleep is the goal you have to make that clear. You have to keep going back to it and keep doing what you need to do to get it.
7. Be a team. One of the best things my husband has done for me is be on my side in the sleep wars. He is often the voice of reason that says "Send them back to their own bed" when we have night time visitors. He reminds me of my ultimate goal and the consequences of giving in. Without him, I would be a sleep-deprived lunatic!
8. Don't fall for their excuses. As kids get a little older, they start trying to find ways to stay up. Don't fall for it. Make sure they go to the bathroom and get a drink before bed. When they need more tell them "Too bad! You can do that in the morning." They will keep trying and keep getting away with it if you let them.
It might take time. It will definitely take patience and determination. But it can be done!
NOT TRUE!
Newborns, of course, usually wake up every few hours to eat. That can't be helped. Older kids will have nightmares. Sickness inevitably strikes in the wee hours. Beyond that, adequate sleep is NOT just a distant fantasy for parents.
The first thing you have to do is take a good, hard look at your situation. It is very possible that the reason you aren't sleeping is you!
Are you insecure about your parenting abilities?
Do you feel you are neglecting your child if you are not with them every moment?
Do you think crying = mommy screwed up?
Do you believe that you are somehow making your child better by "sacrificing" your sleep for him?
If you said yes to any of those questions then you are mistaken.
Think about this: what is a parent's role? To prepare their children for adulthood. Sleep is good for kids. They grow when they are asleep. They are happier when they are well rested. (Ditto for you)They are developing habits that will last the rest of their lives.
So, mommy, suck it and sacrifice your feelings for the good of your child!
Here are my guidelines for a good sleeper ( I wouldn't really bother before they are 6 months old. Infants need lots of attention around the clock!)
1. Don't rush in every time they make a sound. Some people are of the opinion that if their child might be crying and they don't get immediate attention they will be scarred for life. Others will let their kids scream and cry for hours. In my opinion, both are wrong. It's okay to let your child cry for a few minutes. If it is in the middle of the night, they might not even be awake. Give them a little space to figure things out. Eventually, they will have to learn to take care of themselves (unless you are planning to let them live with you for the rest of your lives!)
2. Try new things. Children change as they grow and develop. They might develop a fear of the dark. Trying a nightlight could help. Maybe they need a bedtime snack. Maybe they are cold or hot at night. My kids seemed to need reassurance that I would be there when they woke up so "see you in the morning" has become part of our nightly routine. Each child is different, each circumstance is different. Experiment and see what works. Just remember the goal is sleep for everyone!
3. Don't reward night waking. It is so tempting to cuddle your baby, sing them lullabies, rock them to sleep, hold them in your arms and stare into their beautiful, angelic face. Do that stuff during the day. If your baby is getting lots attention from you at night they will keep waking up. Instead, keep the lights off, keep the cuddling to a minimum, don't sit on the couch and watch TV with them. Let them know sleep is the only option.
4. Remember who's in charge. That would be you. Parenting sometimes means doing the hard things for the right reasons. If your child is healthy, well-fed, clean, and loved, you are a great mom. Don't let them manipulate you into staying up all night playing and reading and hugging. You don't have to be mean. Just firm. Put them in bed and walk away. (It's okay if you go to your room and cry just don't let them know!)
5. You don't have to be mean to win. I am always shocked when I hear someone say "Oh, don't make them take a nap! That's so mean!" Seriously? No, I don't buy it. It is not mean to make them sleep. Kids need sleep. Parents need sleep. It isn't mean to want a basic human need. If you loose your temper because you are exhausted and you scream and cry and throw things then yeah, that's not good. But saying "Baby, it's time for bed. You need to go to sleep now. I will see you in the morning. Good Night" and then walking away, that's not mean.
6. Consistency is key. I used to think that meant never making exceptions, being ridged and immovable. But I have learned that consistency is much easier than that. In the case of sleeping, consistency simply means making sleep the priority. Maybe you give in sometimes. Maybe you let them stay up a little late once in while. It's okay. But if a good night's sleep is the goal you have to make that clear. You have to keep going back to it and keep doing what you need to do to get it.
7. Be a team. One of the best things my husband has done for me is be on my side in the sleep wars. He is often the voice of reason that says "Send them back to their own bed" when we have night time visitors. He reminds me of my ultimate goal and the consequences of giving in. Without him, I would be a sleep-deprived lunatic!
8. Don't fall for their excuses. As kids get a little older, they start trying to find ways to stay up. Don't fall for it. Make sure they go to the bathroom and get a drink before bed. When they need more tell them "Too bad! You can do that in the morning." They will keep trying and keep getting away with it if you let them.
It might take time. It will definitely take patience and determination. But it can be done!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Superpowers 101: Speaking A Foreign Language, Baby
**Edit** I guess the video has been removed from youtube. Sorry! Here a few links to the information I was refering to.
http://dunstanbaby.com/cms/index.php?page=us-home
http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/512022/Dunstan-Baby-Language-as-seen-on-Oprah.html
One of the greatest mysteries in life is understanding waht you baby wants. All that crying and screaming, your exhaustion and frustration, leads to a miserable expereince as a mother of a newborn.
I recently watched this video. It is fascinating! What really impressed me is that I recognized the hunger sound, the distressed sound and the tired sound as soon as I heard them. I would not have been able to repeat it for otheres but I recognized it right away. I alos realized that my youngest son often had the "lower gas" cry. I recognized it immediately when I heard it on the video but I didn't know how to handle it at the time. Not all of my children had this problem.
I reflected that modern mothers are struggling with this because our society has changed so much. We no longer live in small communities where children grow up around other babies and children, hearing their cries and seeing how to respond. We don't live with expereinced mothers who can point out the meaning of the cry to help the mother learn it quickly.
We have segregated ourselves according to age or expereince or current situation. In doing so we have severly limited ourselves and aour abilities to handle all of life's challenges. We feel like failures. We have convinced ourselves taht we should be able to do everything through instinct or reading a book. We alos let our pride interfere. I remember feeling slightly affronted when more expereinced mothers tried to tell me what my baby needed. When I have casually commneted "Oh, your baby is so tired!" I have recieved the same glares I likely gave a decade ago.
I had one other thought while watching this video. Parents seem to think that they need to get their babies calm and quiet before they put them to bed. There is this idea that we should be all our child needs. I have noticed with my own babies that sometimes they are crying becaseu theya re tired...of me! SOmetiems they want to go to bed and sleep but I have stubbornly bounced nad burped and fed and cuddled, sure that they needed something I hadn't tried yet. And they did! When I finally learned to put my babies down from time to time we were both happier!
Each child is different in how they want to be soothed and comforted. There is still a little trial and error involved even if you recognize the cry. My advie to young mothers is to swallow a little pride and prayfully concider the commnets and advoce of more expereinced mothers. Not all will be useful (or even safe!).
Motherhood is challenging, there is no question about that! But it doesn't have to be miserable.
http://dunstanbaby.com/cms/index.php?page=us-home
http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/512022/Dunstan-Baby-Language-as-seen-on-Oprah.html
One of the greatest mysteries in life is understanding waht you baby wants. All that crying and screaming, your exhaustion and frustration, leads to a miserable expereince as a mother of a newborn.
I recently watched this video. It is fascinating! What really impressed me is that I recognized the hunger sound, the distressed sound and the tired sound as soon as I heard them. I would not have been able to repeat it for otheres but I recognized it right away. I alos realized that my youngest son often had the "lower gas" cry. I recognized it immediately when I heard it on the video but I didn't know how to handle it at the time. Not all of my children had this problem.
I reflected that modern mothers are struggling with this because our society has changed so much. We no longer live in small communities where children grow up around other babies and children, hearing their cries and seeing how to respond. We don't live with expereinced mothers who can point out the meaning of the cry to help the mother learn it quickly.
We have segregated ourselves according to age or expereince or current situation. In doing so we have severly limited ourselves and aour abilities to handle all of life's challenges. We feel like failures. We have convinced ourselves taht we should be able to do everything through instinct or reading a book. We alos let our pride interfere. I remember feeling slightly affronted when more expereinced mothers tried to tell me what my baby needed. When I have casually commneted "Oh, your baby is so tired!" I have recieved the same glares I likely gave a decade ago.
I had one other thought while watching this video. Parents seem to think that they need to get their babies calm and quiet before they put them to bed. There is this idea that we should be all our child needs. I have noticed with my own babies that sometimes they are crying becaseu theya re tired...of me! SOmetiems they want to go to bed and sleep but I have stubbornly bounced nad burped and fed and cuddled, sure that they needed something I hadn't tried yet. And they did! When I finally learned to put my babies down from time to time we were both happier!
Each child is different in how they want to be soothed and comforted. There is still a little trial and error involved even if you recognize the cry. My advie to young mothers is to swallow a little pride and prayfully concider the commnets and advoce of more expereinced mothers. Not all will be useful (or even safe!).
Motherhood is challenging, there is no question about that! But it doesn't have to be miserable.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Superpowers 101: Changing A Diaper
I have been meaning to write this for a while. I know that it might seem easy. I know that some of you are fairly experienced with diapering. Still, I thought I would share a few ideas that have worked for me to make this chore quick and simple.
Before I go on, let me remind you that I had 4 (FOUR!!!) children in diapers for about 6 months. So when I say this is the bare-bones, simplest way to do it, I know what I am talking about.
What you need:
1. a clean diaper
2. wipes
optional, only as needed: ointment, change of clothes, toy for distraction
What to do:
1. Lay the baby on the floor.
2. Open the clothes and move out of the way
3. Place clean diaper under the baby's bottom.
4. Open wipes and get one ready to use
5. Open the soiled diaper and clean as quickly as possible. If the diaper is "messy" use the diaper to wipe some of the "messy" off before using the wipe.
6. Remove soiled diaper and place to the side.
7. Close clean diaper, clothes, etc.
8. Close soiled diaper and throw away.
If the child is trying to help, distract them with a toy; something to keep their hands occupied. If there is a rash, apply ointments as needed.
That's it! I never liked changing tables. If I need to run get something I can leave them on the floor without worrying about them falling. (Although they might get stepped on if you have other children around!) I also found that there were really very few messes if I was fast. A diaper was just as good at absorbing an unexpected shower as anything else. A mat would need to be washed. A diaper could be thrown away.
What about the environment? Who cares?! Just kidding. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to make choices...like saving the world or saving your sanity! I choose to make my crazy life as simple and hassle-free as possible.
Happy Diapering!
Before I go on, let me remind you that I had 4 (FOUR!!!) children in diapers for about 6 months. So when I say this is the bare-bones, simplest way to do it, I know what I am talking about.
What you need:
1. a clean diaper
2. wipes
optional, only as needed: ointment, change of clothes, toy for distraction
What to do:
1. Lay the baby on the floor.
2. Open the clothes and move out of the way
3. Place clean diaper under the baby's bottom.
4. Open wipes and get one ready to use
5. Open the soiled diaper and clean as quickly as possible. If the diaper is "messy" use the diaper to wipe some of the "messy" off before using the wipe.
6. Remove soiled diaper and place to the side.
7. Close clean diaper, clothes, etc.
8. Close soiled diaper and throw away.
If the child is trying to help, distract them with a toy; something to keep their hands occupied. If there is a rash, apply ointments as needed.
That's it! I never liked changing tables. If I need to run get something I can leave them on the floor without worrying about them falling. (Although they might get stepped on if you have other children around!) I also found that there were really very few messes if I was fast. A diaper was just as good at absorbing an unexpected shower as anything else. A mat would need to be washed. A diaper could be thrown away.
What about the environment? Who cares?! Just kidding. I have come to realize that sometimes you have to make choices...like saving the world or saving your sanity! I choose to make my crazy life as simple and hassle-free as possible.
Happy Diapering!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Super Gear
I've been thinking; where would Wonder Woman be without her lasso and bracelets or Spider-man without his web stuff or Batman without his bat-mobile and bat-shaped sharp throwing thingies?
Nearly every superhero has gadgets and gear to help him (or her) be more successful in saving the world. So, what are my "super gadgets"?
The first one that comes to mind is baby wipes. As my husband says, I like to "wipe down the world one wipe at a time." It's true. I use them for everything. Besides cleaning dirty bottoms, they can also clean dirty hand, faces, arms, legs, shoes, floors, walls, tables, windows, door knobs, cell phones, handles, high chairs, backpacks... Whew! I am working up a sweat just thinking about it! I really do use them for anything and everything. I do use paper towels, sponges, and washcloths when they are available but a package of baby wipes is all you need when you are going out. I actually prefer them for wiping down the steering wheel and they are great at getting ball-point pen ink off of skin.
Another favorite cleaning item is a chore-boy long-lasting sponge
. I like the 2 sides. They do last a while.When they start to get nasty, I use them for dirty jobs like cleaning floors and shoes and bikes. I use them until they are completely worn out. When the commissary at out overseas duty station stopped carrying them I was very tempted to have someone ship me a case from the States. I also like the cell-o no stick scrubbers.
I like plastic baggies. I especially like the ones that have a zipper across the top. Even the cheap brands work fine for me. I use them with cake tips when I don't have a real bag available. They are great for simple things like writing a name or adding a few flowers. I also have used them for filling deviled eggs. I use them for storing crayons, toys in the diaper bag, snacks, pretzel bags that were ripped open so someone could eat 3 pretzels, anything you want to keep clean and dry on a trip (like TP), leftovers, kids money and permission slips for school trips, and dirty diapers if you can't get to a trash can. Along with plastic baggies I love permanent markers. I write on the bag and fill it with whatever I want.
I also love spell check. I can spell fine when I am writing but I have trouble typing correctly. I often type words backwards or get all the letters but not in the right order. I have heard that this is actually some kind of disorder, like dyslexia, but I am not stressing over it. As long as I can proofread and spell check, I will be fine.
Okay, so those are small things. Here is a big one. Today I went to the Doctor with my 3 youngest kids. When I got there I opened the back of the Suburban to find no stroller! I was devastated. I almost went home. I decided to give it a try and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My 3 1/2 year old was the worst one. So now my arms are tired and the day was much longer than it needed to be (because little legs move slowly!) but...IT CAN BE DONE!!! (Note: this is not the first time I have ever been without a stroller.)
Books on tape or CD are great too. I actually get more housework done when I am listening to a book. I want to get to a good stopping place so I do extra tidying and scrubbing (instead of doing a half-hearted job and running for some mental stimulation elsewhere.)
That will have to be all for now. Unless I include doors. Being able to put a screaming baby in his crib and close the door can be a truly magnificant tool for keeping ones sanity!
Nearly every superhero has gadgets and gear to help him (or her) be more successful in saving the world. So, what are my "super gadgets"?
The first one that comes to mind is baby wipes. As my husband says, I like to "wipe down the world one wipe at a time." It's true. I use them for everything. Besides cleaning dirty bottoms, they can also clean dirty hand, faces, arms, legs, shoes, floors, walls, tables, windows, door knobs, cell phones, handles, high chairs, backpacks... Whew! I am working up a sweat just thinking about it! I really do use them for anything and everything. I do use paper towels, sponges, and washcloths when they are available but a package of baby wipes is all you need when you are going out. I actually prefer them for wiping down the steering wheel and they are great at getting ball-point pen ink off of skin.
Another favorite cleaning item is a chore-boy long-lasting sponge
. I like the 2 sides. They do last a while.When they start to get nasty, I use them for dirty jobs like cleaning floors and shoes and bikes. I use them until they are completely worn out. When the commissary at out overseas duty station stopped carrying them I was very tempted to have someone ship me a case from the States. I also like the cell-o no stick scrubbers.I like plastic baggies. I especially like the ones that have a zipper across the top. Even the cheap brands work fine for me. I use them with cake tips when I don't have a real bag available. They are great for simple things like writing a name or adding a few flowers. I also have used them for filling deviled eggs. I use them for storing crayons, toys in the diaper bag, snacks, pretzel bags that were ripped open so someone could eat 3 pretzels, anything you want to keep clean and dry on a trip (like TP), leftovers, kids money and permission slips for school trips, and dirty diapers if you can't get to a trash can. Along with plastic baggies I love permanent markers. I write on the bag and fill it with whatever I want.
I also love spell check. I can spell fine when I am writing but I have trouble typing correctly. I often type words backwards or get all the letters but not in the right order. I have heard that this is actually some kind of disorder, like dyslexia, but I am not stressing over it. As long as I can proofread and spell check, I will be fine.
Okay, so those are small things. Here is a big one. Today I went to the Doctor with my 3 youngest kids. When I got there I opened the back of the Suburban to find no stroller! I was devastated. I almost went home. I decided to give it a try and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My 3 1/2 year old was the worst one. So now my arms are tired and the day was much longer than it needed to be (because little legs move slowly!) but...IT CAN BE DONE!!! (Note: this is not the first time I have ever been without a stroller.)
Books on tape or CD are great too. I actually get more housework done when I am listening to a book. I want to get to a good stopping place so I do extra tidying and scrubbing (instead of doing a half-hearted job and running for some mental stimulation elsewhere.)
That will have to be all for now. Unless I include doors. Being able to put a screaming baby in his crib and close the door can be a truly magnificant tool for keeping ones sanity!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"What have you done with my name?"
This weekend we gave our new baby a name and a blessing. As I thought about the significance of this priesthood ordinance, I thought of the importance of names. Growing up, my parents taught me that a person's name is sacred. As I got older, I learned that when we gossip or lie about a person, we are damaging their "good name". I also remembered a story I heard as a young girl that made a deep impact on me.
The statement that we will have to account for what we have done with the names we bear, including the name of our Father in heaven, has gone a long way to keeping me in check. At times, it may seem that it doesn't matter what we do. Maybe we live far from home. No one knows who we are. They don't know our family. Does it really matter if we soil that name a little from time to time?
When I was a Senior in high school, I learned the answer to that question. I found myself in a "Bible bash" with some girls in my chorus class. What had started innocently enough with a few simple questions had turned into "let's gang up on the heathen Mormon and see if we can save her". After 3 days, I knew it had to stop. All we were doing was arguing. We weren't going to change any one's mind. I prayed for a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into.
The next day, as class started, the leader of the "opposition" came up to me, a list of scripture verses in her hand, ready to prove my beliefs wrong. I felt my stomach tighten and silently prayed for a way out. The girl waved the list in my face and said, "I talked to my daddy last night and he gave me list of scriptures to use as ammunition against you." The other girls clustered behind her, reminding me of a pack of wolves ready to pounce on their cornered prey.
The ring leader sat down next to me and said "Before we get started I have to ask you a question. Do you know Harlie Wilson?" This was probably the most unexpected thing she could have asked me at that moment. I had no idea where she was going with it so I just answered truthfully, "Yes."
"How do you know him?" She asked. I felt like I was on trial as she stared hard at me. "He is my uncle. My grandpa's brother." She relaxed and sighed deeply. "I was afraid of that." she said regretfully. Then she folded up her paper and put it away. The "pack of wolves" looked even more startled than I felt at that moment and asked what was going on.
The girl thought a moment and said, "I told my dad all about you and he said I should ask if you were related to Harlie Wilson. He said your uncle used to cut his hair when he was a little boy and that he was the best man he had ever met. He told me that if you were related to him I should leave you alone. I still think I can prove your church is wrong and I really want to. But I have never heard my dad talk about someone with that much respect. My dad is the best man I have ever met and if he says to leave you alone that is what I am going to do."
And that was it. We never argued or even mentioned religion again. This whole episode nearly overwhelmed me with "coincidences". I was deeply grateful for the wonderful example of my great-uncle*. I, like President Smith, had reflected on my behavior and was relieved to know that I was worthy of being associated with my family. My classmate and her father were also people of integrity who recognized the good in others and were willing to set aside their personal differences.
The most important lesson I learned was that you never know who is watching. My uncle didn't know that a little boy sitting in his barber chair was paying attention to what kind of man was holding the scissors.
*This is the only link I could find.
President George Albert Smith told the story of a time when he was seriously ill and had traveled to St. George, Utah, to see if it would improve his health. He became so weak that he could scarcely move. In his account he recalled: “One day, under these conditions, I lost consciousness of my surroundings and thought I had passed to the Other Side. ... I saw a man coming towards me. I became aware that he was a very large man, and I hurried my steps to reach him, because I recognized him as my grandfather. … I remember how happy I was to see him coming. I had been given his name and had always been proud of it.
“When Grandfather came within a few feet of me, he stopped. His stopping was an invitation for me to stop. Then—and this I would like the boys and girls and young people never to forget—he looked at me very earnestly and said:
“ ‘I would like to know what you have done with my name.’
“Everything I had ever done passed before me as though it were a flying picture on a screen—everything I had done. Quickly this vivid retrospect came down to the very time I was standing there. My whole life had passed before me. I smiled and looked at my grandfather and said:
‘I have never done anything with your name of which you need be ashamed.’
“He stepped forward and took me in his arms, and as he did so, I became conscious again of my earthly surroundings. My pillow was wet as though water had been poured on it—wet with tears of gratitude that I could answer unashamed.”
President Smith continued to say, “I have thought of this many times, and I want to tell you that I have been trying, more than ever since that time, to take care of that name. So I want to say to the boys and girls, to the young men and women, to the youth of the Church and of all the world: Honor your fathers and mothers. Honor the names that you bear, because some day you will have the privilege and the obligation of reporting to them (and to your Father in heaven) what you have done with their name.” (George Albert Smith, Sharing the Gospel with Others, Deseret Book Co., 1948, pp. 111–12.)(O. Leslie Stone, “The Importance of Reputation,” New Era, Feb 1978, 41)
The statement that we will have to account for what we have done with the names we bear, including the name of our Father in heaven, has gone a long way to keeping me in check. At times, it may seem that it doesn't matter what we do. Maybe we live far from home. No one knows who we are. They don't know our family. Does it really matter if we soil that name a little from time to time?
When I was a Senior in high school, I learned the answer to that question. I found myself in a "Bible bash" with some girls in my chorus class. What had started innocently enough with a few simple questions had turned into "let's gang up on the heathen Mormon and see if we can save her". After 3 days, I knew it had to stop. All we were doing was arguing. We weren't going to change any one's mind. I prayed for a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into.
The next day, as class started, the leader of the "opposition" came up to me, a list of scripture verses in her hand, ready to prove my beliefs wrong. I felt my stomach tighten and silently prayed for a way out. The girl waved the list in my face and said, "I talked to my daddy last night and he gave me list of scriptures to use as ammunition against you." The other girls clustered behind her, reminding me of a pack of wolves ready to pounce on their cornered prey.
The ring leader sat down next to me and said "Before we get started I have to ask you a question. Do you know Harlie Wilson?" This was probably the most unexpected thing she could have asked me at that moment. I had no idea where she was going with it so I just answered truthfully, "Yes."
"How do you know him?" She asked. I felt like I was on trial as she stared hard at me. "He is my uncle. My grandpa's brother." She relaxed and sighed deeply. "I was afraid of that." she said regretfully. Then she folded up her paper and put it away. The "pack of wolves" looked even more startled than I felt at that moment and asked what was going on.
The girl thought a moment and said, "I told my dad all about you and he said I should ask if you were related to Harlie Wilson. He said your uncle used to cut his hair when he was a little boy and that he was the best man he had ever met. He told me that if you were related to him I should leave you alone. I still think I can prove your church is wrong and I really want to. But I have never heard my dad talk about someone with that much respect. My dad is the best man I have ever met and if he says to leave you alone that is what I am going to do."
And that was it. We never argued or even mentioned religion again. This whole episode nearly overwhelmed me with "coincidences". I was deeply grateful for the wonderful example of my great-uncle*. I, like President Smith, had reflected on my behavior and was relieved to know that I was worthy of being associated with my family. My classmate and her father were also people of integrity who recognized the good in others and were willing to set aside their personal differences.
The most important lesson I learned was that you never know who is watching. My uncle didn't know that a little boy sitting in his barber chair was paying attention to what kind of man was holding the scissors.
*This is the only link I could find.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
How to finance your life as superwoman, part 1
I have lost count of the number of times someone has asked me how we can afford to have six children. Aside from being somewhat personal, I have rarely been offended by this question. Confused, maybe, but not offended. There was one time when I was really disgusted though.
A woman I knew casually in a professional capacity, who was familiar with our basic circumstances, asked me if my newest infant was a boy or a girl. Now, I admit, the baby was bald as a peach and looked remarkably like my 2 year old son. However, she was dressed from head to toe in pink.
I am sure I gave the woman a strange look when I answered that she was, indeed, a girl. The woman waved her hand and said casually, "I know she's all in pink but you have all those kids so I thought maybe that was all you had." As usual, the polite me took over and I just smiled sweetly. The rude side was silently screaming all kinds How-dare-yous and other more obscene retorts that the polite me can't even think about right now.
As rude and insulting as her comment was, it contained a grain of truth. Providing for a large family definitely takes some thought and sacrifice. I often think of the phrase "fix it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." I am sure many people think of extremes like the pioneers or the Great Depression when they hear this but that isn't the case. It is more about knowing what to keep, what you need, and what to replace.
During my last pregnancy I met another expectant mother who was having her fourth. As we chatted casually about having babies, she complained about not being able to find the things she needed. I agreed, thinking of finding an adeqate nursing bra or replacing my out-of-date carseat withough breaking the bank. That isn't what she was talking about.
It turned out that she had not kept a single baby item from her previous pregnancies. At first I assumed that she had not been planning on having any more children. She explained that she never kept any baby things once the child outgrew them. Not clothes, cribs, blankets, toys, or ANYTHING else! On top of this, she had not been complaining about trying to buy a new crib or find newborn-sized sleepers in the summer. She was upset that she could not find curtains to match the crib comforter she liked. HUH?!?!
As nice as it sounds, I have never had a nursery. I have not had matching car seat and stroller and playard and bedding for any of my children. I have not gotten them entirely new wardrobes or designer bottles or whatever else the popular culture of babydom tells parents they "must have". My children have not suffered in the least. They slept very well in a crib that had been used by their older siblings. They did not complain about wearing hand-me-downs. They have not been scarred for life because the stroller and car seat are from 2 different companies!
Just today Baby #6 was playing with a Noah's ark play set. I realized that I had purchased that toy for my first child almost 10 years ago. Each of the children had played with it. #6 didn't care that there is a newer version on the market or that some of the animals have been lost. She was happy. And that is all that really matters.
A woman I knew casually in a professional capacity, who was familiar with our basic circumstances, asked me if my newest infant was a boy or a girl. Now, I admit, the baby was bald as a peach and looked remarkably like my 2 year old son. However, she was dressed from head to toe in pink.
I am sure I gave the woman a strange look when I answered that she was, indeed, a girl. The woman waved her hand and said casually, "I know she's all in pink but you have all those kids so I thought maybe that was all you had." As usual, the polite me took over and I just smiled sweetly. The rude side was silently screaming all kinds How-dare-yous and other more obscene retorts that the polite me can't even think about right now.
As rude and insulting as her comment was, it contained a grain of truth. Providing for a large family definitely takes some thought and sacrifice. I often think of the phrase "fix it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." I am sure many people think of extremes like the pioneers or the Great Depression when they hear this but that isn't the case. It is more about knowing what to keep, what you need, and what to replace.
During my last pregnancy I met another expectant mother who was having her fourth. As we chatted casually about having babies, she complained about not being able to find the things she needed. I agreed, thinking of finding an adeqate nursing bra or replacing my out-of-date carseat withough breaking the bank. That isn't what she was talking about.
It turned out that she had not kept a single baby item from her previous pregnancies. At first I assumed that she had not been planning on having any more children. She explained that she never kept any baby things once the child outgrew them. Not clothes, cribs, blankets, toys, or ANYTHING else! On top of this, she had not been complaining about trying to buy a new crib or find newborn-sized sleepers in the summer. She was upset that she could not find curtains to match the crib comforter she liked. HUH?!?!
As nice as it sounds, I have never had a nursery. I have not had matching car seat and stroller and playard and bedding for any of my children. I have not gotten them entirely new wardrobes or designer bottles or whatever else the popular culture of babydom tells parents they "must have". My children have not suffered in the least. They slept very well in a crib that had been used by their older siblings. They did not complain about wearing hand-me-downs. They have not been scarred for life because the stroller and car seat are from 2 different companies!
Just today Baby #6 was playing with a Noah's ark play set. I realized that I had purchased that toy for my first child almost 10 years ago. Each of the children had played with it. #6 didn't care that there is a newer version on the market or that some of the animals have been lost. She was happy. And that is all that really matters.
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