Superpowers 101: Speaking A Foreign Language, Baby

**Edit** I guess the video has been removed from youtube. Sorry! Here a few links to the information I was refering to.
http://dunstanbaby.com/cms/index.php?page=us-home

http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/512022/Dunstan-Baby-Language-as-seen-on-Oprah.html



One of the greatest mysteries in life is understanding waht you baby wants. All that crying and screaming, your exhaustion and frustration, leads to a miserable expereince as a mother of a newborn.

I recently watched this video. It is fascinating! What really impressed me is that I recognized the hunger sound, the distressed sound and the tired sound as soon as I heard them. I would not have been able to repeat it for otheres but I recognized it right away. I alos realized that my youngest son often had the "lower gas" cry. I recognized it immediately when I heard it on the video but I didn't know how to handle it at the time. Not all of my children had this problem.

I reflected that modern mothers are struggling with this because our society has changed so much. We no longer live in small communities where children grow up around other babies and children, hearing their cries and seeing how to respond. We don't live with expereinced mothers who can point out the meaning of the cry to help the mother learn it quickly.

We have segregated ourselves according to age or expereince or current situation. In doing so we have severly limited ourselves and aour abilities to handle all of life's challenges. We feel like failures. We have convinced ourselves taht we should be able to do everything through instinct or reading a book. We alos let our pride interfere. I remember feeling slightly affronted when more expereinced mothers tried to tell me what my baby needed. When I have casually commneted "Oh, your baby is so tired!" I have recieved the same glares I likely gave a decade ago.

I had one other thought while watching this video. Parents seem to think that they need to get their babies calm and quiet before they put them to bed. There is this idea that we should be all our child needs. I have noticed with my own babies that sometimes they are crying becaseu theya re tired...of me! SOmetiems they want to go to bed and sleep but I have stubbornly bounced nad burped and fed and cuddled, sure that they needed something I hadn't tried yet. And they did! When I finally learned to put my babies down from time to time we were both happier!

Each child is different in how they want to be soothed and comforted. There is still a little trial and error involved even if you recognize the cry. My advie to young mothers is to swallow a little pride and prayfully concider the commnets and advoce of more expereinced mothers. Not all will be useful (or even safe!).

Motherhood is challenging, there is no question about that! But it doesn't have to be miserable.

Superwoman VS Divorce

Eleven years ago this month, I was sealed for time and eternity to my husband in the Washington DC Temple. It has been a busy and stressful life together so far. But not a bad life. That doesn't mean it has been all rainbows and sunshine either.

I have thought a lot about marriage. There are so many marriages today that are temporary. Just recently, I was listening to the radio and heard a song called "Highway 20 Ride" by Zac Brown Band. I had heard this song before but for some reason the sadness of it really hit me. I found myself weeping for all the broken families in the world.

What really struck me was the phrase "Your mom and me just couldn't get along." How many families have suffered because of this superficial, prideful excuse? I thought of all the lies Satan has been feeding people about marriage and life and happiness. His lie is that we deserve better, that we would be happier with someone else or just without the other person. I know there are times when that may be the case. I am certainly not suggesting that people stay in violent or dangerous relationships. But we all know that most marriages end because of selfishness, boredom, infidelity,... the list goes on.

I truly believe that most relationships have the potential to be strong and lasting. Anything worth having requires sacrifice and effort. There is no such thing as the easy way in anything, including marriage. Anyone who says they would be happier with someone else is deluding themselves. With a different spouse they would just have a different set of problems.

Several years ago, I had a little reality check. My husband was gone to a school for a few months and I was struggling to care for our 4 young children and our large, neglected yard. A family from the ward had come over to help cut the grass and rake leaves.Talking with the mom about the quirks and whims of husbands, we shared a few gripes about our husbands. I was surprised by how similar our two husbands were because, on the surface, they were nothing alike.

During our conversation, I started complaining about how strict my husband was at times, insisting on this or that. I remember distinctly saying  "He gets mad if I don't wash the table every day." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I started to laugh. I realized how simple a thing that was to expect. I also was a little embarrassed to hear myself admit that I didn't always get to that job. (In my defense, I had 4 children under 5 at the time and I was living in a foreign country. There was ALWAYS something that didn't get done!)

The point is, I was mad at him for harassing me about the stupid crumbs on the table because I was busy from morning til night. He was just trying to encourage me to keep the house sanitary. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I know there are people in this who would have gotten divorced over that. What I found is that saying it out loud sometimes puts it into perspective.

A psychologist might say that there was more going on than a dirty table. I would have to agree. There were some control issues and feelings of being under appreciated on both sides. Was that too much to work through? No. In fact some of those issues improved simply by recognizing them.

This reminds me of a story from my childhood called "There's No Such Thing as a Dragon" by Jack Kent. The kid keeps trying to tell his mother about the dragon that is growing in their house but she refuses to acknowledge it, even though she has to climb over it to get her work done. In the end, the dragon just wanted to be noticed.

So, what makes the effort worthwhile? Why should anyone put up with a nagging husband who wants a clean table? Because it isn't just my husband that I have made a commitment to.

This is how I look at it: I imagine that Heavenly Father has said to me 'Amy, I have this son who I love very much. I want him to be happy and successful and have the best life possible. But he has problems. He can be cranky and moody and smelly. He won't always do what he should. He might spend way too much time playing computer games and trying to tickle you even though you hate it. But I promise that if you will do your best to love him and be his companion throughout his life, caring for him and challenging him when need be, you will both be blessed. Will you do that? Can you love him and be with him even when it isn't pleasant?'

And I imagine he has said something very similar to my husband. Glad he accepted the challenge!

Superpowers 102: Speaking Husband

My husband is a pretty good guy. He works hard to provide for our family, makes sacrifices, does little things to show he is thinking of us, etc. Overall, I can't complain. Sometimes, though,...let's just say we are both human.

I have come to realize that a large part of our differences comes from speaking two different languages. I thought I was pretty fluent in "Man" since I have 5 brothers and I thought that having 6 sisters had prepared him to speak "Woman". Unfortunately we learned different dialects.

For example, my husband would come home from work and ask innocently "What did you do today?" Now, that is actually what he said but it translated to "I have been working all day long, work that I am compensated for because of my education and experience, which compensation supports you and our family, and now I come home and find you still in pajamas, dirty dishes in the sink, the floor not vacuumed (because it is so covered with stuff you can't SEE the floor), and piles of laundry everywhere which may or may not be clean, and you haven't even started dinner, so WHAT exactly have you been doing all day?"

My reaction would be one of two things, sobbing uncontrollably or defending myself. This happened for years. Not everyday, but often enough. If I started defending myself, sometimes we would argue. Sometimes the argument was "What is wrong with you, woman? All I said is 'How was your day?'" The reply, as all women know, is "NO YOU DIDN"T!!!!" Now, my husband actually says "How was your day?" which somehow leaves less room for wild interpretations.

Of course part of the misinterpretation was my fault. I was the one who felt like an underachiever. That is why I heard things he didn't say. As I have become more accepting of myself, we have less misunderstandings from simple phrases.

Sometimes our roles are reversed. I have often complained that my husband didn't tell me enough about what was going on in his life outside of our home. He sometimes forgot to tell me that his sister had  another baby or that he was getting some kind of recognition at work. Sometimes he mentioned things casually, in passing (while I was trying to help kids with homework and cook dinner and nurse an infant).

Later, he would use these moments as examples of me not listening to him. I would try to argue that  he didn't make a big deal about it so I didn't think it was important. His reply: "I told you about it. That means it's important!" Again, mistranslation between "Man" and "Woman".


After living in foreign countries, where simply using a dictionary was not enough, I have learned a few things about speaking foreign languages.

First, there is more to a language than just the words. Those words have meaning and cultural connotations that can not be explained in a single phrase. That is why "What did you do today?" turned into an attack. It takes time to realize that what we think we are saying and what the other person is hearing are not always to same.

Second, the same phrase can have a very different meaning from one language to another. For my husband "What did you do today?" means "What happened today that was different or exciting?" That is why his answer to that question is "Same as always." It doesn't occur to him that I don't actually know what he does everyday.

Third, learning a new language is fun! Okay, so it is really frustrating sometimes, too. The point is, learning is exciting. It is challenging and rewarding. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We are much better at speaking each others languages but it didn't happen overnight. It took time and patience. It took work from both sides. I feel really sorry for couples who divorce because of communication problems. I know that they weren't trying hard enough. Maybe they were trying to teach the other person but not learning themselves. I know it takes work, maybe even a translator. But it is so worth it!

I learned German in school. I was disappointed that I was not able to communicate well when we lived there. I was reluctant to expose my flawed skills. I was afraid of making a mistake. Then I moved to Belgium. Then I knew what it was like to REALLY not speak a language! I suddenly felt fluent in German!

The point is, whatever effort we make is a good one. We may know that there is still room for improvement but that doesn't negate the knowledge we have already gained. I have been speaking English for over 30 years and I still learn new words and improve my grammar on a regular basis. Oh, wait. Does that mean in 20 years I still won't speak "Man" as well as my husband? Probably. But I am sure I will speak it better than I do today!

Superpowers 101: Organization

I attended a meeting today of the local military MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers). It was about organization. I had to smile as I listened to the comments and presentations that were made about being organized. One idea especially struck me.

The woman sharing this insight said that organization is more than having a plan, it is including others in the plan so that you can be successful. She pointed out that you have to tell your kids where their shoes go, you can't just expect them to know because you know where you want them. I laughed to myself, thinking of the important combination of organizing and communicating.

Other comments reminded me that you have to choose your battles. I didn't really know what that meant when I first started having children. Now I have a pretty good idea. It means decide what things MUST be done and let the other things go. So if you don't like having food all over your house then make a LAW that food stays in the kitchen and enforce it like the Gestapo!

Well, maybe not that strict but you get the picture. As the law maker you can change them if you need to and make exceptions from time to time. I advise against that. Your kids will think they can bend you all the time. It takes some time and self-discipline but it really works. In the long run you have kids who always know where their stuff is or only eat in the kitchen.

My kids have it in their heads that they can't eat on the carpet so they will stand on the edge between the kitchen and the living room trying to eat and watch TV. I am having to start over with my little ones, telling them to take their cookie back to the table. They are getting it a lot faster than the older kids for 2 reasons. 1. I am more insistent, 2. They have more role models telling them what to do (and not do).

I am still a long way from where I want to be but I can see the progress and the fruits of my efforts. That makes me feel good. Everything in life is a process. We learn line upon line, precept upon precept. What matters is that we are moving forward.

Superpowers 101: Speaking another language

Your first thought when you read the title of this post was probably about a foreign language. Some of you might have even thought, "I've got that one covered." I bet most of you aren't fluent in the languages I have in mind.

The first language is Baby. I already talked about how confusing and frustrating it can be to try and communicate with children. I also admit that this is a learning process for everyone. But there are a few simple techniques to communicating with a small child that some woman just don't get.

I have spent the last 8 years living in Europe. I have spent many hours trying to communicate with people who didn't speak my language. If I went into a store and started touching stuff, a clerk might start lecturing me in French. I may not have had a clue what the words meant but I knew I had done something he didn't like. How did I know? By his tone and expression.

One of my biggest pet-peeves is when mothers smile and say "no, no, no" in the same sweet, sing-song voice that they say "Let's have some ice cream." They don't understand why their child doesn't listen. It is because he doesn't speak English! He does not know he has done something wrong. How would he? His mother is smiling and making "happy sounds". She must love it when he throws toys at her head.

Equally frustrating is when parents give long, drawn-out instructions to their 14-month-old. I admit that I tend to over-explain things to my kids. I am working on it. A few years ago I saw a news story about how to train your dog. The trainer explained that dogs can't understand much so owners need to keep their commands simple. I decided to try this with my son, who was about 18 months old at the time. I would say "sit", "no", "stop", "eat", etc. It worked. He learned very quickly what those words meant and what I wanted when I said them. In fact, it was so effective that I wished I had learned it 8 years earlier! Another unexpected side effect is that as I became more conscious of what I said, he learned to communicate more effectively. He has a better grasp of the English language at 3 than my other kids have now!

The second language a superwoman needs to learn is Man. I know that sounds cliche but it is true. Some women just don't know how to speak Man and it can cause serious problems and misunderstandings for them. Let me illustrate.

Several years ago, I was talking with some women at church about who could watch the nursery for an upcoming activity. I volunteered my husband. They all rolled their eyes and started laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked, slightly offended. "We have asked your husband several times and he won't do it." I was stunned. "I'll ask him myself." I said and we changed the subject.

That evening, I told my husband about my conversation. "They must have me confused with someone else. No one has asked me to watch the nursery at all. But I will do it this time." Then he said "Oh, wait. Were you talking about So-and-so?" I said yes and he shook his head. It turned out that these women had not actually asked him to do anything. They had said something like "How would you like spending the evening with a room full of little kids. Wouldn't you just love that?" When he replied honestly that no he would not love it, they simply walked away in frustration. He pointed out that no one had ever been specific about what they needed or asked him if he would be willing to do it.

When I explained this to the women involved they were even more disgusted. "See! He IS difficult! How were we supposed to know that he was like that!" I realized for the first time just how different men and women are when it comes to communicating. I grew up in a house full of boys so I have a pretty good grasp of the Man language. Still, I have to be careful or slip into Woman and run the risk of being misinterpreted or ignored.

The point is, we all could do better at expressing ourselves and understanding others. Just as I had to carry around a foreign language dictionary when I was living overseas, we all should carry a mental translation dictionary. Just taking a moment to stop and really listen to what is being said can make all the difference.

Super Powers 101: Following Directions

My mom tells a story about a time when I made cookies for a family gathering. Apparently my relatives were gushing about how good they were and what a good cook I was. My response was "Well, I can read!"

Now, I don't remember this at all but I can definitely see myself saying that. Compliments about cooking are hard for me to take. To me, cooking is not a big mystery. It has taken me years to realize that not everyone can do it, at least, not well. I began to wonder why. As I met new people and learned of their cooking tragedies, I realized that cooking requires one simple skill: the ability to follow directions.

I have been asked many times for recipes, only to be told later that it didn't work. "You must have forgotten to tell me something because mine was nothing like yours." I admit I alter recipes, sometimes without meaning to. I don't make big changes though. After questioning the would-be chef, I learn that they made changes too. They used all wheat flour instead of white or oil instead of shortening when making bread rolls. Maybe they used tomato sauce instead of tomato paste or LEFT OUT THE SALT!!!! when making my homemade lasagna. I take some responsibility for the confusion. When you cook something over and over, you sometimes do things instinctively. I may understand that "stir" means with a spoon and not a high-powered mixer but if I don't actually say that someone else may burn out their motor trying to mix a thick dough.

Several years ago, I realized that recipes are not the only confusing communications for "superwomen". I had made chocolate chip cookies for my kids. Three of them were eating cookies and dancing around being silly while the fourth sat calmly on my lap. She stuffed the whole cookie into her mouth. I warned her not to but she did anyway. Then, her little lips barely touching because her mouth was so full, I warned her again not to make a mess.

Inevitably, she began laughing at the other children and a line of sweet, chocolaty drool ran down her chin. "No! Yucky!" I said, frowning as hard as I could. She just stared at me, hard and glaring. Her expression was so serious I had to fight to keep from laughing. "Don't laugh" I said to myself. "Show her you mean business." We were in a battle of wills for what seemed like an eternity. Then, suddenly, she smiled. For one brief moment I felt the joy of victory. Then she opened her mouth and spit out the entire glob of cookie! I managed to catch it in my hand, shove her off my lap and storm off to the kitchen to clean up the mess. I kept asking myself "What is wrong with her? Why does she keep doing the opposite of what I tell her to do?"

This question was still in my mind a few days later when I took the kids to the playground. This same child walked up to me, smiled sweetly and put a sand-covered bottle cap in her mouth. "No, Yucky!" I said instinctivly. She immediatly spit out the bottlecap...just as she had spit out the cookie. As dawn rose over my darkened mind, I realized that she had done exactly what I told her to do. I was the one who had not been clear.

From then on, I tried to be more careful about what I said and make sure I was clear about what I wanted from my kids. I am not there yet. Just the other day I told my nine-year-old to apologize to his sister. He said "okay" and then just stood there. "I said apologize!" yelled at him. "Okay!" he yelled back. But still he stood there. With my last drop of sanity I asked "Do you know what apologize means?" He frowned for a minute and said no. After I explained, he gave a rather insincere "Sorry" and went on about his business. I just sighed and shook my head. At least I have learned that sometimes the message is lost in translation!