Letting Go

A few years ago, I found myself facing a unique challenge. I was one of the women in charge of teaching the children at church. A young girl from our church died in a car accident. It was a Saturday. The next morning I would be facing a room full of children, many of whom would be experiencing this kind of loss for the first time. I can't express the weight I felt at this task. I spent the night pleading with the Lord for guidance. I didn't sleep much but I know I did sleep...because I had this dream....

I was hiking up a trail. It was a hot, sunny day. Other hikers were on the trail. I was carrying a backpack. After a while, I became hot and tired and decided to stop for a short rest.

As I sat by the trail, a man stopped in front of me. He was wearing a wide-brimmed hat. The sun was behind him and his face was hidden in shadow.

"Don't sit there too long or you'll never get to the top." he said in a friendly voice.

I was a little irritated that this stranger was interrupting my break. Not wanting to seem rude, I replied "I'm just taking a break"

The man looked down at the pack lying by my feet. "That's going to slow you down. Why not let me take it for you?"

Again, I was irritated. That was my pack. I wasn't going to just hand it over!

"That's okay." I said curtly. "There isn't much in there. I can handle it."

"I don't think so. " He said, a sad tone in his voice. "That pack will get heavier as you keep going. Eventually it will become too heavy for you. It will keep you from reaching the top."

After a pause he added, "I can carry it for you. Then you can make it."

I looked at the man closely. I noticed for the first time that he had a huge mound of packs on his back.

"No," I said again "It looks like you have a lot to carry already. I will carry my own pack." I was feeling a little insulted by this man. Was he saying I was too weak to carry my own weight?

The man sighed. "Well, do you mind if I look in your pack? See what's so important to you?"

I didn't want to show him but I sat quietly while he opened the pack and reached inside. He pulled out a large, heavy stone. On the stone was a photo of the young girl who had recently passed away. I felt my chest tighten as I saw her picture.

"This is your pain." he said solemnly, placing the stone on the ground.

He reached into the pack again and pulled out another stone, similar to the first. "This is your grief." he said and laid it next to the first. He reached into a side pocket and pulled out a handful of pebbles. "Sins." he said, almost amused. I looked away, feeling self-conscious.

"Well," He said, matter-of-factly, "These are heavy burdens. They will hold you back unless you let me carry them for you."

I felt panicked and desperate.

"I can't!" I said, choking back tears. "If I give it to you I will forget her!"

The man picked up one of the stones and took the photo off of it. "Here." He said "These are your memories. They're not heavy. You can carry they in your pocket. They won't slow you down at all. In fact, if you take that out and look at it from time to time it might even give you the motivation to keep going."

A feeling of relief and happiness flooded through me.

The man put the stones back in the pack. "So, can I take this for you?"

I nodded my consent.

He smiled and threw it on top of the others. "Don't sit there too long!' he said as he continued up the trail.


"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows" Isaiah 53:4

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Our Never-Ending Stories

I love stories.

I like science fiction with aliens and space travel and genetic mutations.

I like fantasy with its faeries and dragons and magical worlds.

I like mysteries and comedies and dramas.

I like silly kids stories with talking animals or cars or flowers.

What I love most are personal stories. I think that is why I enjoy blogs so much. I want to hear the real, true stories of real people. I love them all. I love stories about their kids and their struggles and their triumphs. I love the spiritual moments and the silly ones.

I also like history. I don't care much about the dates. I like the stories of groups of people. The stories of places from long ago.


I think that  is why I enjoyed Europe so much. I felt like I was living in the middle of history. Everywhere I went I saw evidence of the stories I had learned in school or read about in books. Since we lived in Germany and Belgium I became quite familiar with WWII. The reality of that war, the devastation and heartache, became so much more meaningful. I could imagine what the people must have felt as the battles were waged all around them.

I also wondered about my grandfather. He was an American soldier in WWII. I know almost nothing about his time in service; a few dates, countries, his little unit in a huge army. But I don't know his story. He passed away before I cared enough to ask.

We might say something like "I guess we'll never know" or "That knowledge died with him". Those kinds of phrases are so common I even find myself saying them. But they simply are not true.

I will get to hear those stories someday. And my grandpa's war stories aren't the only ones! I will get to ask my great grandma about having twins in the 1920's. I can ask Granny Ball (my 3rd great grandma) about her conversion to the LDS church. I can ask my German ancestors about their immigration to America in the 1600's. I can hear about the lives of all those who have gone on before me.

And that's not all! I can hear about their experiences in the Spirit World! Since the veil of forgetfulness will be lifted we can even swap stories about our pre-mortal lives!

Are you as eager as I am!!!! The thought of these story-telling reunions is more exciting than any film debut or season finale that Hollywood can conceive!

This is why the great Plan of Happiness is so thrilling to me. This is why the Atonement is such a precious gift. Without it, our stories would end, lost forever in the grasp of death and hell and darkness. Because of Jesus Christ, we can go on. Our stories will continue. Forever and ever!

Resurrection

My husband and I were asked to speak in church yesterday, Easter Sunday. Normally, I like speaking in church. (I know, I'm weird!) But I haven't given a talk in a long time. I was so nervous I felt sick. In fact, I was tempted to run out a few times!

I guess the reason I was so nervous is because I knew the deep significance of this message. I didn't want to get it wrong. I read a lot in preparation. I spent some time pondering. It wasn't that I didn't know the subject matter. I just wanted to be clear and accurate.

In preparing for this talk, and especially as I delivered it, I came to know an important truth about myself: I have an unshakable testimony of the truth of the Resurrection. This was quite a shock to me.

I have been exposed to death many times in my life. I have been to countless funerals for relatives and  friends. My mom even took me to graveyards as a kid looking for family history information. Nothing about death scares me.

President David O. McKay described death as a kind of sleep.

Resurrection and Spring are happily associated, not that there is anything in nature exactly analogous to the resurrection, but there is so much which suggests an awakening thought. Like the stillness of death Old Winter has held all vegetable life in his grasp, but as Spring approaches the tender life-giving power of heat and light compels him to relinquish his grip, and what seems to have been dead comes forth in newness of life, refreshed, invigorated, strengthened after a peaceful sleep.


So it is with man. What we call death Jesus referred to as sleep. “Lazarus sleeps,” he said to his disciples [see John 11:11]. “The damsel sleepeth,” were his comforting words to the bereaved and sorrowing parents of a little girl [see Mark 5:39]. Indeed, to the Savior of the world there is no such thing as death—only life—eternal life. Truly he could say, “I am the Resurrection and the Life. He that believeth in me though he were dead, yet shall he live.” [John 11:25.]

Death is temporary. It is a pause in life's journey. Our spirit and body will be reunited someday. We will also live again. 1 Corinthians 15:22 teaches, "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." ALL, everyone of us, everyone who had a mortal body will be resurrected. Jesus broke the bonds of death so that we all might live again. President Joseph F. Smith explained,

Death came upon us without the exercise of our agency; we had no hand in bringing it originally upon ourselves; it came because of the transgression of our first parents. Therefore, man, who had no hand in bringing death upon himself, shall have no hand in bringing again life unto himself; for as he dies in consequence of the sin of Adam, so shall he live again, whether he will or not, by the righteousness of Jesus Christ, and the power of his resurrection. Every man that dies shall live again.

As I have said, I have been exposed to death many times. While I don't look forward to that separation from those I love, In accept that it is inevitable. Whether they die first or I do, we will be separated by death for a time. But it is only temporary. We will not only see and know one another as spirits we will be restored to our bodies, a perfected, immortal form of this mortal body. Death will be but a memory. It can not touch us again.

What peace and assurance this brings! My mom has sometimes accused me of being abnormal. She has felt that I did not react appropriately when someone died. I have always disagreed. I thought it was just my practical reasoning. "They are no longer suffering" or "They are in God's hands now." "They have moved on to the next stage of the Plan and we will see them again one day."

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized these are not just pretty, soothing words. Not to me. I know these things are true with an assurance I can not describe. I know it like I know there is a sun. There is no doubt in my mind. NONE!

I am humbled to have this assurance. I realize that not everyone has this, even among the Latter-Day Saints. That"s why I am sharing this with you. I know that Jesus Christ died and was Resurrected. I know that each of us will be resurrected because of him. I am so grateful for this precious gift. When I think of it I want to shout it from the rooftops!

I bear solemn testimony of this, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

When Lights Go Out

When I was in college, I had a friend who was a bit of pyromaniac. She came over one night and, somehow, we ended up with a table full of lit candles. My friend was playing with the little flames and occasionally put one out. Each time, I was surprised by how much darker the room was when one of those little lights went out. Relighting a candle didn't seem to be nearly as noticeable as loosing the light when it went out.

2010 has turned out to be a year of loss. We have lost more than one friend this year to untimely deaths. Each one has been a shock. But the most significant loss we have experienced this year has been the passing of my mother-in-law, Beverly Marshall.

She was diagnosed with cancer in May and died in October. All who knew her have experienced a mixture of relief that she is no longer suffering and deep sadness that she is gone.

During her funeral, I took my little ones into the hall because they were getting restless. I spoke with my 4 year old son about what was happening. He seemed to have lots of questions and was even a little confused...or so I thought.

I asked him if he understood what had happened to Grandma.
He said, "Yes. She died."
"Do you know what that means?" I asked him.
"Yes." he said sadly then added "It means her light's not on anymore."

I was doing pretty good until that moment. Then I started crying. I was so moved by how simply he had explained it. I have thought of that moment often since then. It is such a beautiful way of explaining death. As I think of each of the people that have passed on this year, I am touched by how each of them exemplified the counsel to "let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven."

One was an example of home teaching at its best. He was a single father with teenage daughters when we moved to Belgium. My husband was gone to a 4-month school in the states and we had a huge yard that needed tending. Brother Gonzalez came over several times with the missionaries to cut the grass and trim the hedges. His daughters helped with housework and played with the kids. I was so grateful for his willingness to serve our family during a stressful and frustrating time. His service reminds me that even when we think we are alone, our Heavenly Father is always there and will send just the right person to take care of His children.

Another example was a man I have known my whole life. I don't have a single memory of him where is was not smiling and joking, trying to make others happy. He was the embodiment of cheerfulness. He, too, succumbed to cancer, but his battle was long and taxing. Yet even during his long illness, he attended church, fulfilled his Priesthood duties, and was an example to all who knew him of faithfulness and discipleship. 

Another is the little girl from our ward I wrote about previously. When I think of her, I think of those first few times I taught sharing time in Primary. I would look out at the sea of children; talking, looking at their feet, ignoring me... and there would be this happy, smiling face, watching me. She was always eager to answer a question and gave me a little reassurance that I wasn't talking to the clock on the back wall. So simple, yet so meaningful.

This brings me back to my mother-in-law. She was a quiet lady, never pushing or judging. She reached out in many ways. She shared several storied with me about simple things she had done that change lives. Smiling to a girl in the hall in high school, offering a seat to a young mother in Relief Society, welcoming a young woman into their home and into their family. Each of these examples are glimpses into the light she shared with others.

There is one story that has really stuck with me. Years ago, she and her husband were going to the temple in Washington DC. During the drive, they discussed an acquaintance who was having surgery. Beverly decided to put his name on the prayer roll in the temple.

When they arrived, she went to put the man's name on the prayer roll. She couldn't remember what his name was. All she could think about was Steve McQueen, the actor. She kept picturing a scene from one of his movies. After a moment, she gave up trying to remember the man's name and went about her day.

The next day, Steve McQueen died. (That was 30 years ago this week, by the way.)

This story was such an eye-opener for me. We hear phrases like "We are all God's children" or "God loves everyone". Until I heard this story, I thought I understood that. But I didn't really apply that understanding to celebrities or politicians or historical figures. I realized that I had a kind of arrogance like "I am child of God but I don't know who you people are."

Since then, I have tried harder to see EVERYONE as a child of God. It isn't as easy as you might think. Seeing a person from God's perspective can be kind of painful sometimes. Imagine how disappointed he must be in some of us. How his heart breaks at the wickedness and violence he sees us committing.

I have always loved the passage in Moses 7 where Enoch has been shown the creations of God and the destruction of the wicked.

28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?


29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?...

32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood;

I feel like I can understand this better, now that I am a parent. How can God weep? His children are fighting and ignoring one another and acting like spoiled idiots.

And what should we be doing instead? "Mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9)
 
I don't know if I have really caught the vision yet. I think I just get little glimpses from time to time. Hopefully, someday, I will be able to align my life more perfectly with the things I have learned. In the meantime, I am grateful for all the lights that shine around me. Because of their examples, I do, indeed, want to glorify my Father in Heaven.

Opposition In All Things

Life seems full of contradictions. There is pain and suffering and sadness on one side and peace and love and beauty on the other. How is it possible that in the midst of tragedy, people can feel so uplifted and peaceful?

This past weekend, a young girl from our ward was hit by a car and killed. It has been a devastating shock to everyone who knew and loved her and her family. At the same time, Sunday was one of the most spiritually uplifting days I have had in my life.

Because of General Conference next week, we had Fast and Testimony meeting. The members shared their testimonies of the Plan of Salvation, the truth of the Resurrection, the love of the Saviour, and the peace and comfort of the Holy Ghost. It was a very beautiful meeting. Later, I was able to share my testimony with the Primary children. I was amazed at how cheerfully they answered questions about the gospel and how they could apply it to their lives at this time. I realized, more than ever before, how much truth can dispel fear and sorrow.

I have been especially grateful for my blessings the past few days. I have hugged my kids a little harder and longer. I have talked with them about the reality of death and the hope we have in Christ. Over and over I have been stunned by how much peace and comfort I have felt in the knowledge of the gospel. It seems strange that I can feel this way when someone I care for is suffering such a great loss.

I am reminded of Lehi's teachings about opposition.

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.(2 Ne 2:11)

Without the dark, bitter moments of life, we can not appreciate the light and happiness. As tragic as this has been, I know there is a lot of good that will come from this.

I have thought a lot about a Mormon Messages video called "The Tender Mercies of the Lord".
I watched it again and realized just how much this has been happening the past few days.

I would like to share my experience with you. The day of the accident, our Relief Society President posted  on Facebook that there had been and accident and they were going to Vanderbilt Regional Medical Center in Nashville. As soon as I saw the news I felt panic and fear. The mother of this young girl is a sister that I have come to admire and love in the few months we have been here. She is the most cheerful and optimistic person I have ever met. The thought of her going through this tragedy sent a wave of nausea through me.

I felt an intense need to pray. After a few minutes of pacing and hand wringing, I called the children in and told them what I knew about their friend. I told them we needed to pray for her. As we bowed our heads and I spoke the first words of prayer, I was overcome with the Spirit. Tears streamed from my eyes. I knew instantly that no amount of prayer would save our dear sweet Courtney. In that same moment, I knew she was okay. She was in the Lord's hands. I knew that her family needed our prayers more than she did. I prayed that they would be comforted.  Because I had told the children we were praying for Courtney, I prayed that she would receive the best care possible and closed the prayer.

We got the news that she was on life-support a few hours later. The next morning we learned that she had passed away. I had spent a sleepless night of worry and concern, in part for the family and in part for the children of the ward. I was teaching Sharing Time. I spent much of the night rehearsing what I would say to those grieving children.

I was doing Sharing Time for the whole month and I had switched the topics so the lesson would be "Prophets testify of Jesus Christ". I had intended to encourage them to listen to conference and see if they were able to hear the prophet bear his testimony of Jesus. I actually did do that. I asked the "Why do prophets testify of Christ?"  I was so amazed at how easily the lesson I had planned fit with the words of comfort I wanted to share with them.

We read Isaiah 53: 3-4 and talked about how Christ can heal our sadness. I explained to them that when we get hurt, a cut or scrape, we have to take care of our injury or it won't heal. I told them that we can take care of our emotional wounds by praying. Just as a physical injury doesn't heal right away our sadness will take time to heal, too. But we have to keep applying the Atonement through prayer and study.

As I thought of this analogy, I thought "well, their pain will go away with time anyway." Then I was reminded of something my mother had shared with me a few years ago.

When she was about 12, one of her classmates accidentally shot herself and died. Because of the social attitudes at the time, the kids were not counseled or comforted much at all. My mom said that she had found a lot of peace when she joined the church. Years later, she ran into a former classmate from that time. As they talked, the woman said that she was still trying to understand and accept what had happened some 40 years ago to their friend. She was in counseling and had tried several different churches but nothing had helped. She was still suffering.

As I thought of this woman, I realized how important the Atonement is in our lives. I had not really thought much about it in this context. The Spirit confirmed to me that all the relief we feel from the pains of life are because of the Savior's sacrifice. If we don't turn to him for relief, we will not find it anywhere else.

I know this may sound strange, but I feel tremendously honored to be in this ward at this time working with these children. I know that the next few months and years may be hard but also a time of amazing growth for all of us.  I am eager and humbled to be part of their lives as they learn about the Savior and build strong testimonies. I hope I am able to fulfill my roll in their growth.