Forgiving God

I have had a lot of thoughts rolling around my head lately. It seems our family has been through one stressful event after another for, well, years really. Right now I am in the burned-out, apathetic, moody stage that usually follows such an event. I mostly feel nothing. But occasionally....
You see, the thing about going through a hard time is that you feel things. Pain, frustration, anxiety, and, often, anger.

At church today we had a great talk. The speaker asked "What causes misery?" He divided it into two categories 1. The things we do to ourselves and 2. The things beyond our control. He then explained that when bad things happen it is in our nature to ask "Who do I blame?"

This is where I have been. The thing is, I know that our recent struggles were beyond our control. So who’s to blame? I could blame the Army, the real estate market, the economy, etc. But ultimately it comes down to one source: Heavenly Father. I mean, he is in charge of everything, right?

But the thought of blaming God for anything is just...wrong! How could a person do that?!

Of course, I know plenty of people do that. People from every religion and nation and class have blamed God for their suffering at some point or another. This blaming potentially leads to personal apostasy when the injured turn their backs to God.

So, why does it happen? For one thing it feels like a breach of trust. We trust God to take care of us and it seems like he didn't. That trust might have been blind and naive or it could have developed from years of sincere effort for a meaningful relationship.

The natural reaction when someone hurts you is to distance yourself from them. In October 2012 General Conference, Elder Neil L. Andersen warned, "Distancing yourself from the kingdom of God during a trial of faith is like leaving the safety of a secure storm cellar just as the tornado comes into view."

What should we do? How do we get past this perceived hurt? How do we turn to the person who hurt us and ask them for help?

Some pretty unpleasant things come to mind, like swallowing our pride. Humbling ourselves. Submitting to the will of the Father. King Benjamin said it very well.

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. Mosiah 3:19"

Did you catch that? "willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him."

Nice. Sounds like a big ole party, huh. I mean, you don't exactly inflict people with happiness do you?

If this was a regular person we were talking about we might call this a toxic relationship. Everyone who knew our situation would say "He did what?! Get away! Sue! Report him to the authorities!" That's not exactly the Lord's counsel though, is it?

"Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. Doctrine and Covenants 64:9"

If you have paid any attention in church you know that forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about you. It's about letting go of the hurt and the anger and the blame. It's about restoring the relationship you had before.

To say that God needs to be forgiven implies that he did something wrong. That God made a mistake. That he sinned. But that isn't exactly true is it? There are plenty of times when we can feel like a person has wronged us but they really didn't do anything that was actually wrong.

For example, my almost-3-year-old has discovered that he likes candy. He wants candy all the time, day and night. When I say "No", he sometimes gets very upset with me. He cries, he yells, he frowns and pouts. He might even take a swing at me.

Did I do something wrong? No. His feelings are real but they are caused by his limited understanding of life. He doesn't know that his body needs nutritious food to grow and be healthy. He doesn't know that I am acting out of love. All he knows is that things didn't go the way he wanted.

He now has a choice to make; he can hate me forever or forgive me. The change will be his, not mine. He must learn that I am not being mean by denying him the thing he wants. If he forgives me and continues to trust me, he will be fed and cared for and grow healthy and strong. If not, he can refuse to eat anything I offer him and starve. He can run away and try to make it on his own. Not many jobs for 3-year-olds out there.

And, so, he forgives me. He lets go of that momentary disappointment and moves on. He accepts that he actually has a pretty good life. He even gets candy from time to time.

Am I that forgiving? Am I willing to put aside my hurt? Can I let it go?

I think so. I know I have in the past. Sometimes that forgiveness is instantaneous. Sometimes it is a process. I can be stubborn or I can be humble. Unlike other relationships, Heavenly Father can actually help me with this process. He wants to help me. All I have to do is let him.

 

Hymns For The Storms Of Life

Here is a great article discussing maritime hymns.

Lyrics

1. Brightly beams our Father's mercy

From his lighthouse evermore,

But to us he gives the keeping

Of the lights along the shore.

 

(Chorus)

Let the lower lights be burning;

Send a gleam across the wave.

Some poor fainting, struggling seaman

You may rescue, you may save.

 

2. Dark the night of sin has settled;

Loud the angry billows roar.

Eager eyes are watching, longing,

For the lights along the shore.

 

3. Trim your feeble lamp, my brother;

Some poor sailor, tempest-tossed,

Trying now to make the harbor,

In the darkness may be lost.

 

Text and music: Philip Paul Bliss, 1838-1876

OPPORTUNITY

by: Edward Rowland Sill

This I beheld, or dreamed it in a dream:--

There spread a cloud of dust along a plain;

And underneath the cloud, or in it, raged

A furious battle, and men yelled, and swords

Shocked upon swords and shields. A prince's banner

Wavered, then staggered backward, hemmed by foes.

A craven hung along the battle's edge,

And thought, "Had I a sword of keener steel--

That blue blade that the king's son bears, -- but this

Blunt thing--!" he snapped and flung it from his hand,

And lowering crept away and left the field.

Then came the king's son, wounded, sore bestead,

And weaponless, and saw the broken sword,

Hilt-buried in the dry and trodden sand,

And ran and snatched it, and with battle shout

Lifted afresh he hewed his enemy down,

And saved a great cause that heroic day.

A Journey Through The Clouds

Several years ago I was on a flight from home to college. We had taken off in cloudy weather with thunderstorms in the forecast. As we flew across the country we on the airplane enjoyed a bright, sunny cloudscape. There were mounds of thick puffy white as far as the eye could see. Occasionally there was a break in the clouds and I could see the ground far below.


This scene was very different. I could see that from the ground the weather was bleak. Everything looked drenched by heavy rain. The thick cloud-cover blocked out much of the light from the sun. Raising my eyes I was nearly blinded by the radiance of the sun reflecting off the pure white clouds.

What a contrast! I imagined what it was like down there on the ground. I knew that it would be dreary and dark, miserable, wet, maybe even cold. It was no doubt the kind of day that makes you want to stay indoors. If you have to go out, you are tense and hunched over.

It occurred to me that during those dark days it seems that the sun has abandoned us. We might feel that the sun has gone and will never return. We may say things like "When will the sun come back?!" That day, as I flew above those stormy clouds, I realized that the sun is never gone. It is always there, a steady constant in this dreary, storm-tossed world.

Of course I knew this logically. I understood basic astro-physics. But for the first time I really understood it. You might say I gained a testimony of this truth. That might sound silly. But it went much deeper than the physical solar realities. I suddenly realized another, more significant truth; that our Heavenly Father is always there for us, too. Even when we are being tossed about by the storms of life we are not abandoned. He is as constant as the sun.

I wrote a poem about this experience. It wasn't horrible but I realized that it needed work. Years later, when I was married with kids and living in a foreign country, I started rewriting the poem as a song. Over the next few years I refined the wording and wrote down the melody. More years passed. Without regular access to a piano I struggled with an accompaniment. I finally decided to send what I had composed to my friend, D. She added a perfect accompaniment. We submitted the song to the yearly church music submission program.

This week I got the letter saying that it was not being awarded recognition. I was disappointed, of course. At the same time, I am very pleased with the song. I have had a number of uplifting experiences because of it. One of the most profound has been with my children.

I had been raised to believe that my primary role in life was to become a mother. Growing up it seemed that “career” was a dirty word. In college I began to feel discouraged. I had struggled to understand why Heavenly Father would give his daughters such amazing talents and ambitions if we were not meant to use them. I began to feel that I was wasting my time.

During the years that I was refining the song I sang it often to my children. I came to realize that I was sharing my testimony with them through those words. I came to understand that all of our talents and abilities can be used to improve those around us, especially our families. The gifts I have been given are not just for me and not necessarily for the whole world. My talents may very well be customized to improve my family and help them all grow closer to our Father in Heaven.

This experience has helped me appreciate the talents I have been blessed with. I also see the talents of others differently. I have come to realize that all our talents can be used to help the work of the Lord move forward.

Superpowers 101: Driving

Modern media and popular culture bombard us with confusing messages. Experts contradict one another. Celebrities with no more credibility than I do endorse products and fashions and even medications. It seems every person you meet has an opinion and a compulsion to share it. Few want to listen or learn. Those few who are sincerly seeking understanding are hard pressed to find it.

Prophets ancient and modern have warned of these dangers that exist in the Last Days. "Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect." Matthew 24:23-24

We live in such a day. The lines between good and evil are blurred. The straight and narrow path is obscurred by complicated interstate exchanges and overpasses. Even if we know we need to get off at a certain exit to reach our destination, we may be trapped by other drivers, racing along in their own little world, unaware of our desires to change lanes and oblivious to our signals. We can easily be hurried along to unfamliar destinations. We can become lost and frustrated as we try to navigate unfamliar roads to turn around or make our way along the side roads. It seems nothing is simple any more.

Except it is. The truth of the gospel has not changed. The difference today if that we must filter through so much to see it clearly. So not only are trying to navigate our way through city interstates during rush hour it is also dark and raining.

We can make it. We have the map (the scriptures) and a GPS (the Spirit) and even someone we can follow who is on a cell phone giving us step by step directions (the prophet). Should be simple, right?

As I think about actully being in this driving scenario I feel stressed. My chest feels tight with anxiety and I can imagine my white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel. Is that how I feel about life too? Sometimes it is. Sometimes I feel like I am going to miss the turn or end up in a wreck. It isn't just my own manuvuering I have to worry about, you know. There are plenty of crazy people out there, talking on the phone or texting while they driving, falling asleep at the wheel, driving while imparred by some  substance, rude, aggressive, or just plain inexperienced. What happens if they impede my journey?

The has clearly advised us to endure to the end no matter what. Eventually we will make it if we just keep trying. We might need to pull over to change a flat or check the directions. We may need to drive slowly or alter our course. Maybe we will need to abandon the car and walk. As long as we keep going, keep following the directions, we will make it.

 "Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end." Doctrine & Covenants 100:12

Power-ups

"God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:


“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

God knew what Hugh B. Brown was to become and what was needed for that to happen, and He redirected his course to prepare him for the holy apostleship." ~D. Todd Christofferson

Power-ups

"President Marion G. Romney said of welfare work, “You cannot give yourself poor in this work.” And then he quoted his mission president, Melvin J. Ballard, this way: “A person cannot give a crust to the Lord without receiving a loaf in return.” 


I have found that to be true in my life. When I am generous to Heavenly Father’s children in need, He is generous to me." ~ Henry B. Eyring

Superwoman VS Protecting Your Secret Identity

One of my favorite movies about superheroes is The Incredibles . The mother tells her kids to protect their secret identities. Their anonymity will keep them safe. At the beginning of the movie they must keep their powers secret. They are not allowed to use them at all. This causes tension and frustration. They feel isolated and different from their peers. At the end of the movie, the family is happier. They have learned to reach the proper balance between the dual roles of super and average.


I have a secret identity, too. We all do. We put on our "super suits" every day before we go out into the world. Maybe our suits are comprised of make-up and designer clothes, manicures and stylish hair-dos. Maybe they are a shield made up of our talents and accomplishments. Maybe it is just a smile. Whatever it is, our public personas have one purpose, to hide who we really are.

That is not always a bad thing. There tends to be a complete lack of hiding in our society right now. People are so quick to reveal the crude and rude in their lives. They want to get sympathy. They are addicted to the reactions they get from shocking people. The problem is that isn't the truth either. It is just another super suit.

It is not necessary to reveal everything about ourselves. In the movie, the family didn't tell everyone who they were. They didn't stop wearing masks when they were acting as superheroes. They adjusted both identities so that they didn’t have to try so hard.

When we completely hide ourselves we are lying. It doesn't feel good to lie. It causes us stress and guilt, even if we don't recognize those feelings right away. We feel the need to keep up the act. We feel lonely because no one really knows us. We get caught in a cycle that brings nothing good. So why do we do it?

Fear. We fear being rejected. We fear disappointing others. We fear criticism of our flaws. Mostly, we are afraid that if we reveal our true selves nothing will change. We might still be miserable and lonely.

It takes a great leap of faith to admit who we really are. I don't mean telling everyone our dirty, nasty secrets. I mean admitting that we need help or that we are having a hard time with something. We might be admitting to our dreams and successes. We don't need to tell everyone everything. Talking to a trusted friend or two can make all the difference. When someone shares our burdens, they become lighter.

It helps to make adjustments to our suits from time to time. Maybe we don’t want to just stop wearing it cold-turkey. Others might have the very reaction to us we want to avoid. But as we make small changes, we become comfortable with letting people see more of the real us.

There are still some secrets, some aspects of who we are, that may never be truly known to any other person. Except our Heavenly Father. We can always turn to him. He is waiting. He knows who we are and what we are. He knows our flaws and our potential. Our success is his work and glory. (See Moses 1:39) We can turn to him anytime, anywhere, in any circumstances. He is there when we need a friend and there is no one else. He is there to encourage us and guide us.

We may never hang up our super suits for good. We likely will wear them to public functions and holiday parties. That is probably a good thing. There are times when we need that protective covering. Just don’t wear it for too long.

The Perfect Parent

I have recently been reminded of the long-term effects parents have on their children. Sometimes those effects can be really wonderful. Other times, there can be damage that lasts a lifetime. During my adult years I have sometimes been surprised by the abused suffered by my friends at the hands of their parents. Not surprisingly, many have struggled spiritually, as well as emotionally, because of the things they experienced.  As I thought of this, I remembered something I learned many years ago.

For a time during my youth, we had sister missionaries serving in our ward. One sister was very dynamic. She was passionate about the gospel and very enthusiastic in everything she did. Sometimes she pushed the limits on mission rules but there was no doubt as to the strength of her testimony. She also did not hide the fact that she had a very sordid past and that she had been a very different person before her conversion.

One Sunday, she and her companion were asked to teach the youth Sunday School class. This sister missionary shared some of her past, including her time in foster care due to severe abuse from her father. When she began taking the discussion from the missionaries, she struggled with one concept in particular. The missionaries kept telling her that we have a Heavenly Father "just like we have a father on earth." They asked her to imagine what Heavenly Father might be like and how she would feel in his presence. She said she was terrified! She could only imagine someone who wanted to hurt her. She could not imagine a loving Father who cared about her.

She explained that she had to get to know Heavenly Father in a very personal way. She had to think of him as different from her earthly father. When she was able to do that, she was able to feel the love Heavenly Father has for her and that is when her life changed.

This story was very touching and memorable for me, not because I had shared her experiences, but because they were very foreign to me. As I got older I met others who had suffered in ways that this sister missionary had. Sometimes they handled it very well, sometimes they didn't. Each time I learned of these abuses, I thought of her story.

In the conversation that inspired this post, a comment was made that "everyone has issues with their parents". I kind of laughed at that. I want to say it isn't true but it is. The issues might be small and easily worked out but they are still there. It is part of life. We all have to learn to live with real, fallible human parents, who will irritate and pester and make mistakes, even when they are trying their very best.

I have noticed in myself that I sometimes do what the sister missionary did; I apply the characteristics of my earthly parents to my Heavenly Father. I may see my relationship with him in the same way I see my earthly relationship. Sometimes it takes me a little while to realize what I have done. I have to correct that mindset.

No offense to my parents but there are some things they can't do for me. There are things they can't help me with or don't understand. Heavenly Father is not limited as they are. He knows everything I am going through. I don't have to catch him up on my life or explain myself. I can just say "I need help. What do I do?" and he will always give me the very best advice I can hope for. He will always be there for me, no matter what.

I have been working with the Primary children the past few months. During our leadership training we were told to emphasize this very concept. There are very likely children sitting in our Primary classes right now who are being mistreated at home. They need to know that there are people in the world who love them. It is our job as Primary leaders to teach them of the love their Heavenly Father has for them and to be examples of that love.

What a humbling responsibility! When I was set apart for this calling, I was told that the smile or hug they get at church might be the only one they get all week. I look at the children each Sunday and wonder what is going on in their lives. Sometimes I can feel the hurt in that room, I just don't know who it is coming from. My deepest hope is that I can live up to the task I have been given and plant the seeds of testimony in the hearts of those children.

I know it might sound contradictory to say that we have a loving Father in Heaven who will help us overcome abuse.  We might wonder why he lets the abuse happen in the first place. There are many reasons. They are similar to the reasons we suffer at all in this life. Ultimately, the reasons don't matter much. What matters is that we turn to our Heavenly Father for help and that we trust in him to help us overcome whatever challenges we are facing. He is our Father. He loves us all. And he is the most perfect parent.