Superwoman VS "The Clique"

Middle-Aged Mormon Man wrote a post about cliques a few days ago that has got me thinking. His post focuses more on how we, as individual members, sometimes exclude non-members from our social circles. My thoughts are a little bigger.

I grew up surrounded by devotees of many faiths. There are streets in my hometown lined with churches. I doubt there is a single road without at least a small church somewhere along the way. These churches, large and small, share one commonality in my memories: welcome.

Each of those churches prominently displays a sign welcoming visitors. They show times for their Sunday School and other services. They advertise their day cares and scouts and other activities. My brothers and I were invited to more vacation bible schools than I can count! I attended many activities and services for many different reasons. I never felt that the people were going to convert me or condemn me (...okay, I can think of one really creepy VBS where they tried to get my brother to speak in tongues but that was an exception!) For the most part, I was a welcome visitor. The people were friendly and kind.

Why can't we be like that?

I think Mormons feel such deep devotion to our beliefs that we often trip over ourselves! When a non-member shows up we either overwhelm them with our efforts or ignore them in our attempts to "play it cool". Of course, some of us have found that happy medium (I don't think I am one of them!) but we can't expect those few to do all the work.

I have thought about this a lot. I think it takes practice to be welcoming without slipping into the extremes. So, how do we practice?

I have long believed that our meeting houses should be more inviting. Not the building itself but the activities. Why aren't we advertising our scouting programs to the community? "Outsiders" are welcome and the scout budget covers dues and supplies for ALL participants. This could be a great advantage to communities that have low-income families who want to participate but can't afford it.

What about Relief Society meetings? I have a deep belief that the sisters in Relief Society are meant to be shining examples in this darkening world. I know, KNOW, that there are many women who need our steady courage in the face of so much pressure to be wicked. Yet we keep our meetings to ourselves.

Couldn't we invite other children to our Primary and youth activities? With a VBS and AWANA on every corner, why are our activities exclusive?

What about our Halloween parties, Christmas parties and Easter egg hunts?

I know that there are certain logistical issues when planning activities. I know about budgets and head counts and supply shortages. Those are so lame in the eternal scheme of things! Are we really going to look at some one in the afterlife and say "We would have invited you but we were on a tight budget."? I certainly don't want to say "It would have been extra work."!!!!!

I know we can individually invite people to stuff, and I do. I try to make is seem so normal, almost expected that they would want to come and I have managed to shrug it off when they say no. I no longer feel the rejection I once felt. But I still feel it is not enough.

I feel, deeply, that it is the duty of those who have been blessed with the gospel to invite others. We are ambassadors, hosts, guides. It seems we should not be hoarding the blessing of the gospel for ourselves but proclaiming them to everyone we meet.

What would it take, really?

Planning.

Consistency.

Time.

Effort.

Courage.

Sticktoitivness.

Can we do it?  Yes. Will we?

I think the reasons we keep to ourselves are the same old boring ones: fear, self-consciousness, laziness, human weakness,...

Imagine, just for a moment, what we could accomplish if we could only overcome these.

Superwoman's Weaknesses: Pity Parties

I have been trying to throw myself a pity party.

Really.

I have tried and tried but I just can't seem to do it.

Each time something new goes wrong (which is a minimum of once a day)I try really hard to feel sorry for myself.

I think horrible things like "This never would have happened if I hadn't been watching TV."

Or "I deserve this because I am such a terrible mother."

Or "If I read my scriptures more this stuff wouldn't be happening to me."

How about "If I were thinner I wouldn't have this problem."

"Nobody cares about me!"

"I am such a failure!"




Now, I might think these things for a little while. I might skulk around the house snarling at the kids for up to a few hours. But it just doesn't stick.

My home teacher show up.

I get a call or email from a friend out of the blue.

A scripture comes to mind that tells me the exact opposite of what I am telling myself.

I force myself to go to church and people ask how I am doing and help me with my kids and make me feel like the most loved person in the world.

Occasionally I simply get a little internal reprimand like "Knock it off! You know better! Now suck it up and get busy. You have work to do."

Those are some of my favorite moments. I kind of like a good butt-kickin' pep talk once in a while.

Sometimes I think I might be kind of fishing for compliments in those down moments. Could it be that I am in need of a little attention and that is why I get sulky and moody?

Maybe once in a while but usually I try to hide those moments from the world. My kids might see them more often than I care to acknowledge but other people are hopefully oblivious.

Once in a rare while I can't quite keep it in.

I was having one of those moments tonight. I had made cookies for the ward Christmas party and put them into the freezer so the frosting would set. When I opened the door a few moment later the cookies came crashing out to the floor and broke.

Let's just say that was the cookie that broke the camel's back. The dam that held back all the intensity and pressure of the past few weeks crumbled like those cookies and I LOST IT!!!

I was actually having a pretty good day before that happened. I had made the most amazing rolls ever! My kids actually got to go play outside.

Now I was sobbing uncontrollably. I could feel all the strain and heartache squeezing out of me like...I'll spare you from the graphic imagery. Just know that the toxic poisons were leaving and I actually felt some relief.

But as those initial flood-waters receded, I was left feeling devastated.

I decided to go to the Ward- Christmas party anyway. Several people spoke to me and asked how I was, not in a casual way but in a genuine, specific way. One person even called me "my friend" which meant so much in that lonely moment of grief. I also won a door prize.

I was going to skip the party. I was going to watch Glee for hours and ignore my kids and wallow in the fact that I am a total loser. I could so easily have thrown a HUGE and amazing pity party.

But I didn't. My kids and the Spirit and my ward family just wouldn't let me!

Birds of a Feather...

I really liked the story near the end of this video. It just goes to show the influence of good friendships!

Do you have friends who encourage you, directly or through their example, that will help you reach your greatest potential? Are you that kind of friend?

The Bad Influence of Good Friends

I was inspired to write this as I sat at my computer eating a bowl of homemade Ganache. I whipped mine so that it was kind of foamy and fluffy. A few days ago I mixed some homemade strawberry jam into a small bowl of Ganache and ate it. I also used this combination on homemade wheat rolls. I even tried to make little candies by melting milk chocolate, making a circle on a piece of waxed paper, topping this with ganache and jam then covering the whole thing with more melted chocolate. They tasted great, although they wouldn't win any "pretty" awards.

The reason I even know about this heavenly and addictive substance is because of my friend, S. She makes the most amazing, most luxurious, rich, decadent desserts I have ever tasted! Like Millionaire's Shortbread. We have had a number of conversations about the importance of real butter, cream, "good" chocolate, etc. We share the ideology that if your going to eat, you might as well eat the good stuff!

My husband also has this philosophy. He prefers to eat expensive cuts of beef like Porterhouse and Tenderloin. With 7 kids, this isn't exactly economical. At the same time, an occasional dinner of bacon-wrapped tenderloins leaves us satisfied for months. It makes such treats special and more highly valued.

These rich and tasty treats are not, however, good for you. During those moments when I am eating Ganache for breakfast, I acknowledge my tight waistband and think "Curse you, S! How dare you expose me to such evil temptations!" Then I eat another bite and think "Wow! I sure am blessed to have friends that bring such sweetness and pleasure into my life!"

Superpowers 101: Sitting

When I was in college my roommate, Wo, was called as a Relief Society President in our single student ward. One of her dictates was that we all sit together. We met in a smallish auditorium-style college classroom. There were maybe 75 seats but only 40 or so young women.

As is custom, we would sit with our friends or roommates in little clusters, leaving spaces between "us" and "them". Wo would have none of this. She refused to start the meeting until there were no spaces. NO ONE was allowed to sit alone.

Admittedly it felt a little juvenile sometimes. "Do I have to sit by her?" or "I need some space to spread out!" or "I just feel like sitting alone today". Like a mother-in-training, Wo held her ground.

Soon we were sitting together just to avoid the hastle. Did it make us closer? Did it create friendships we might not have had? Did it foster a spirit of unity? Who knows. It did make an impression. I never forgot it.

One reason this practice made such an impression was an experience I had around the same time. Another roomie, O,  and I were asked to visit teach an inactive young woman in the ward. The request went something like this: "She moved here in the middle of the year and hasn't been to church once. Her roommates say she works a lot and isn't very friendly. She doesn't want anything to do with the church. Go visit her and see if she wants her name removed from the church records."

Now we were young and new to visiting teaching and this was a very intimidating assignment. O made the appointment and we nervously knocked on her door.

The girl who answered the door reminded me of a firecracker with a smile. She invited us in and seemed bursting with enthusiasm and excitement. She even giggled about how happy she was to have visiting teachers. We were shocked. We asked her name again to make sure we had the right girl.

We asked why she had not been to church. She said she often had to work on Sunday. She had a new job with better hours. She also had not gotten along with her roommates. They had not included her and left for church without her when she didn't have to work. She didn't know where our ward met (on campus there were church services in nearly every building and classroom) so she just stayed home.

We volunteered to show her where church was and invited her to walk with us on Sunday. She smiled and said she would like that. Then she hung her head and asked shyly, "Can I sit with you, too? I don't want to sit alone."

I have to say that is one of the most humbling, moving, life-altering moments of my life. How many times have I felt that way? How many others are afraid to come to church because they don't want to be alone in a room full of people? We all want to belong, to have friends and be accepted. Why do we think we are the only ones?

I think of this experience every time I think of visiting teaching or reactivation or friendshipping new converts. I think of this when I attend a new ward. Sometimes I am treated like I have a contagious disease with people leaving an empty seat between us on either side. Sometimes I am greeted by so many people that my head spins!

There are still times when I feel a kind of homesickness for the ward I grew up in. I feel nostalgic for the warm, welcoming feeling of being surrounded by people who love and care for me. I have felt that same belonging among Saints in many places. I have also felt that absence of that feeling. I am shocked and even hurt when I feel like an outsider at church. In most cases, that feeling disappeared over time. I have a certain tenacity when it comes to church and I will force my way into the church clicks if need be.

Others are not so determined. They are the ones who get bullied or snubbed right out of the church. Many have testimonies of the Book of Mormon and the restored gospel. They just don't think they fit in the church family.

How many are there? How many are like this young woman, in a new place, insecure, disoriented, anxious and alone? How many are silently asking "Can I sit with you? I don't want to sit alone."

Power-ups

"President Marion G. Romney said of welfare work, “You cannot give yourself poor in this work.” And then he quoted his mission president, Melvin J. Ballard, this way: “A person cannot give a crust to the Lord without receiving a loaf in return.” 


I have found that to be true in my life. When I am generous to Heavenly Father’s children in need, He is generous to me." ~ Henry B. Eyring

When It Rains, It Pours!

(This is going to be long, just so you know!)

(Note: THis was originally part of a blog challege, Woman of Noble Character Challenge 3 & 4)

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

Week 3: Proverbs 31:16-18 Are you thrifty and frugal? Do you take care of yourself by exercising and eating right? Write a post about how you are spending wisely and/or any ways in which you are making healthier choices to ensure you are energetic and strong.

Week 4: Proverbs 31:19-21 Do you extend a helping hand to the poor and needy? Is your family prepared for the possibility of a need? Write a post about how you are helping the unfortunate, and how you are setting aside for a day when your family may be in need.
I can't believe how timely this is. For those who don't know, the past few weeks have been crazy for our family. A month ago I would have written something very different for this challenge.
In January, my husband had surgery in Texas. I was his non-medical attendant. He had a fairly large cyst in his heel bone that was causing a lot of pain. The doctor here thought he might break it if it wasn't repaired. They cleaned it out and did a bone graft. (His full recovery time is at least 6 months!)

We spent 17 days away from home while we traveled to the hospital, he recovered from surgery and we returned home. It was not too bad. I felt like I was in limbo. Just before we left, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't feel quite right at first and, honestly, I was really stressed about it. I had 3 blood tests to check my hormone levels but each seemed fine. While we were in Texas I made my peace with this unexpected news.

While we were away, my mother, father and 2 brothers took care of our 7 children at our home. One child or another was sick the entire time we were gone.

Although our time in Texas was uneventful, our journey home was quite the opposite. We left just ahead of a big winter storm. We wanted to get as far ahead of the storm as possible before we stopped. Our truck had other ideas. At about 9:30 PM we suddenly lost power. I pulled onto the shoulder and we crawled along to the nearest exit (about 6 miles down the interstate!).  We checked into a hotel and asked about an auto parts store or mechanic. We had few options. We were in the middle of nowhere. Literally.

The next morning we found the truck was working just fine but we went to parts store and added some transmission goo just in case. By the time we left it was snowing pretty hard. My husband had gone off his meds so he could drive. He has more experience driving in snow. I was a nervous wreck.

For the most part, it was harrowing but not too bad. We had one SERIOUS close call when we came upon an accident that  was undoubtedly fatal for someone and had potential to be even worse. The accident had occurred in the opposite direction but the vehicles involved were in the median. There was a tractor trailer parked in the middle of the interstate on our side, straddling the center line in an effort to stop traffic. The driver was trying to help those involved in the accident. Because visibility was so low, we didn't even see the truck until it was almost too late. The icy road made it impossible to stop. I have no doubt that angels were guiding us as we slid around that truck, barely fitting between it and the guardrail. There were a few men on the road waving for us to stop. They jumped out of the way as we slid by like a scene from a movie. I have never been so scared in my life!

We drove through the storm and finally made it to clear roads near Memphis. That's when the truck started to act up again. We stopped for lunch and found out that there was a rental car agency a few miles away. The truck worked great getting to the rental car place but we didn't know what the problem was (We still don't but our guess is a computer issue. It seems to reboot if you turn it off and restart the engine but it will act up again after driving it for a while.) We rented a car and started for home but it was snowing again. The rest of the trip was kind of slow but much safer. Before my parents left that evening, we told the whole family about the new baby.

We arrived home Wednesday evening to sickly kids. By Friday I had decided that 2 of them were sick enough to see a doctor. One was diagnosed with strep, the other (our 11 year old) only had a headache and ear pain. The doctor said it was probably a virus and sent us home. That night he started throwing up. He couldn't keep anything down the whole weekend. By Monday he looked awful! His color was terrible, he was dragging himself around. I took him to Urgent Care as soon as the kids were on the bus. (my husband was home with 3 kids under 4 and on crutches.)

Patrick was given an IV of fluids, something for nausea and his strep test was positive. He started antibiotics that day.

That same day was my first doctor's appointment. Patrick waited in the waiting room half asleep while I sat through the usual lecture about eating a proper diet, etc, along with a new one about getting older and the increased possibility of birth defects. Finally the midwife started the exam with her little heart beat finder. She only found mine. She brought in an ultrasound machine and tried again.

Now, I had 5 babies overseas where they use an ultrasound for everything so I have seen more than my fair share of ultrasounds. I knew what I saw on the screen was not normal. It looked like an empty black circle, not unlike the cyst I had a few years ago.

She brought in a doctor to do some measurements and make it more official, then they went through a big deal about getting the dates wrong and doing more tests. I agreed to it but I was pretty sure there wouldn't be much change. I think the midwife knew this. She talked to me a little about miscarriage and was very sensitive without being too specific. I didn't tell Patrick or the other kids, only my husband.
The next day we made a whilrwind trip to Memphis to get our truck. It took all day. I never wanted to drive again at that point! We didn't quite make it home before the bus so my Visiting Teacher come over to meet the kids until we got home about 20 minutes later.

After a few days Patrick started to perk up and looked a little better. He asked me what makes your pee change colors and we talked about food coloring and dehydration. I didn't think much of it. Friday night he told me his pee looked like root beer. I was stunned. I told him to let me see it but he didn't until the next evening. I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn't. It was VERY dark.

My first thought was the antibiotics. Dark urine was listed as a side effect under "call your doctor" if you have this. I called the ER and asked to speak to a nurse but they said they didn't do phone consultations. I wasn't sure if it was an emergency since he wasn't in pain, didn't have a fever, seemed a little run down but fairly healthy, etc. That night he threw up again. I didn't give him the antibiotics that night or the next morning. He slept late and woke up just before Shane left for his church meetings.

I had Patrick get dressed and go with us to church. His face looked puffy and several people commented on how bad he looked. Shane and another brother gave him a priesthood blessing. He said that "with time" Patrick would make a full recovery. I felt reassured but I was more certain than ever that he needed a doctor. Shane took him home while I stayed with the other kids. When we got home they were both napping. Shane's surgery has taken a lot out of him and he still gets tired easily. I woke him up and told him I was taking Patrick to the ER.

At the emergency room they didn't seem too excited about Patrick at first. The doctor gave him and IV and sent a urine sample and some blood to the lab. (By now his urine was red!) The nurse said that he might get cold from the IV and I could ask for a blanket if he did. Near the end of the IV he started getting goosebumps and looked kind of purple and blotchy. He was even shivering a little. I went to the front desk and asked the nurse for a blanket. She seemed a little put out but when she came in she immediately took his pulse. His heart rate was 20 beats per minute. She hooked him up to machines and got the doctor. They did an EKG. His heart rate had come back up to an acceptable rate but his blood pressure was high. (the highest I saw was 174 /99). The doctor came in and said she had called Vanderbilt Children's Hospital in Nashville and they were sending an ambulance. She explained that he was having a complication from the strep infection and his kidneys were shutting down. That was causing the high blood pressure.

I called my husband and told him what was happening. He made some calls and found someone to come watch the other kids. Now remember, he is on crutches, I have been helping him get dressed because he can't bend that foot, and his truck has not been running like it should. The ambulance arrived as he was leaving the house. They waited a few minutes but ended up leaving with Patrick while I waited for Shane.

We raced down to Nashville, went to the wrong ER (Vanderbilt is a huge medical complex) and finally found Patrick sleeping but okay. He had been throwing up because of the toxins that were building up from the kidney dysfunction. They had given him something to help him rest. They also gave him medication to flush the kidneys and keep his blood pressure in check. We repeated the events of that week who knows how many times that night to nurses and doctors, family and friends. Shane stayed at the hospital while I went home to be with the other kids.


He came home the following Tuesday after spending 2 nights in the hospital. He had made dramatic improvements but the doctors said it could take months for his kidneys to heal. We felt very blessed because he did not need dialysis or an extended hospital stay. He is still on medications and a low sodium diet but he is doing well.

The day after Patrick came home I went back to the doctor for a second ultrasound and the results. The doctor was very kind but reached the same conclusions that we had. Either there had never been a baby (a blighted ovum) or it had not formed past a few weeks and my body didn't realize it (missed miscarriage). We discussed options and decided to schedule a d&c for Friday. She had explained that the natural process can take a few days and be very painful and physically taxing. We didn't want that. We wanted to have some control again.  I guess the Lord wanted to teach us that we don't really have any control because Thursday my body realized it wasn't pregnant any more.

I wasn't in any pain but I was bleeding very heavily for several hours and starting to feel dizzy. I called a nurse from our ward and she suggested going to the hospital to get checked out. After another late night we were home and the miscarriage was basically complete. The doctor at the ER said I had just gone through it faster than most. I had been expecting labor-like pains or at least some strong cramps. I had none of that. The doctor gave me something to cause stronger contractions and speed things along but I barely felt them. Another blessing.

By now you are probably wondering what this has to do with those verses in Proverbs and the questions associated with them. Well, I learned a great deal about virtuous women during all of this. I called on 5 to watch my kids during our various hospital trips. 2 brought meals. One brought flowers and chocolate "to bring you some sunshine". 2 gave me advice about low sodium foods. 2 gave me advice about the miscarriage. Countless others called or emailed offering prayers, comfort, and support. I got hugs and smiles.  Some of these women I haven't seen or spoken to in 10 years or more. I was overwhelmed by their love. I never realized how much it could mean to know you are not forgotten.

I also realized how important it is to be prepared. In a temporal way, we had plenty of food and enough money for our various needs. We were careful with our spending and had planned ahead for the trip to Texas. When we returned I replenished our supplies. Through all the excitement I made sure we kept up with dishes and laundry. Our kids have regular chores (not that they are happy about them) so it was not unusual for them to do the basic housework that I couldn't do for one reason or another.

We were also prepared spiritually. The moment of crisis is not the time to look for faith. The faith needs to be there to hold you up when the crisis comes. Without prior preparation my son would not have had a priesthood blessing. I would not have recognized the comforting of the Spirit during each of these trials. Prayer would not have been my first instinct when we faced danger and fear. If I had not been going to church, I wouldn't have known those sisters who reached out and they wouldn't have known me and my family.

The last thing I learned from all of this is how important it is to choose our friends wisely. We lift each other, stregnethen each other, motivate each other. I know I would not be the person I am without the many virtuous and noble women in my life. They put me on the right path and keep me there. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this great blessing.

Superwoman VS. Mormon Snobbery

Are you a Mormon Snob?

No! Of course not! How dare you suggest such a thing!

Really?

Ask yourself these questions and give really, honest, true answers. (If you aren't a Mormon, just replace "Mormon" with whatever you are.)

A Taste of Heaven

There is a lot of hype and commentary about social networking groups such as Facebook.  Some is positive, some is negative, some is just news. My husband harasses me about "getting my fix". Apparently, everything I do on the computer now falls under the category of "Facebooking", even if I am paying bills. Most of the time I don't mind. I enjoy Facebook. Here are a few reasons why.

First of all, I like knowing what is going on in people's lives. I like keeping in touch with people I care about. I do not like talking on the phone. As much as I love talking with my friends, I really avoid the telephone as much as possible. I don't know why. I have always been that way. Letters and email have always been a more appealing form of communication for me. (after face-to-face of course!) But who has time to write letters anymore?

Letter-writing requires time, effort, consistency and a certain level of organization. When I was in college I wrote many letters to friends all over the country. I had a system for keeping track of who I had written to and who I hadn't. Over time, I got further and further behind. I regretted losing track of my friends and missed our brief communications.

Email became a much easier and faster way to keep in touch. I still like email because I can keep the "letters" without cluttering up the place. The problem with email is the same as letter writing: time. More than once I think "Didn't So-n-so have a baby recently?" When I look it up I realize it was 8 months ago! Well, never mind sending my congratulations now.

Admittedly, I sometimes have similar problems with Facebook. Sometimes there is too much going on with too many people. Other times, I miss that one status update that explains everything and I have no idea what the person is talking about until I go back and check it out. The good news is that I can do that. I can check up on people if I haven't heard from them in a while. (Yes, I am SPYING on all of you!) In all seriousness, I like knowing what is going on in the lives of people I care about and I like being able to share my life with them.

While I am sincere, that reason for using Facebook is sort of...superficial. Yes, it is fun and informative and entertaining. But really, it is not always about really connecting with people on a personal level. So, why bother?

My answer comes from something my dad said. He told me that he had never really felt the need to stay in touch with people outside of the family. He said "If we stay true to the faith, we will see each other again. If we don't, we won't want to see each other." I thought about that a lot. I tried to imagine what it would be like in the Celestial Kingdom. What would it be like to look for someone and not find them? What would the reunion be like if we were there together?

There is a beautiful scene in the Book of Mormon that illustrates a taste of that experience. Alma and his friends, the sons of Mosiah, had been terribly rebellious and caused all kinds of trouble. An angel appeared to them, commanding them to stop harassing the people of God. After that they were all converted and went their separate ways, trying to make up for their mistakes and bring others unto Christ. After 14 years, they are unexpectedly reunited. ( Alma 17:2, 27:17-18)

Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel first appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

Now the joy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the exhausting of his strength; and he fell again to the earth. Now was not this exceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of happiness.

What has always touched me about this story is that they weren't just happy to see each other because they were old friends. They were happy because they had stayed true to the commandments. They had grown and changed for the better. They were happy to see the men that they had become.

Now, you might be wondering what this has to do with Facebook. I will explain. In the past year or so, I have reconnected with people I haven't' seen or heard from in as much as 20 years. (Can I really be old enough to say that?) More than once I have sat at my computer reading over someone's Info and found myself crying tears of joy as I read. Sometimes it is because they were teetering on the edge when I last saw them and are now firmly on the right path. Other times it is just knowing that they are still doing what they should be doing. One of my friends has joined the church. I wept when I saw that.

Other times I have felt sadness. I have friends who are no longer active members of the church. There are those who have struggled with substance abuse, divorce, health problems, death of loved ones, the list goes on. Sometimes I am amazed at how they have handled themselves and take strength from their example. Other times I am frustrated and disappointed. A few I would like to give a good smack in the head!

It isn't that I am judging them or turning up my nose at them. I feel sad for them. I have often thought What if this was it? What if today, right now, we were all judged and given our reward or punishment according to the choices we are making right now? Where would we be? Would some of my friends be lost to me? Or would we rejoice together, as Alma and his friends did?

This might seem like a depressing line of thought but it isn't. I see it more like watching a Marathon. Some are doing fine and you know they will make it. You have plans to meet at the finish-line and you know they will be there. Others are struggling and need some encouragement. You worry that they might drop out. If they do, you know they will miss out. They will regret it. The race isn't over yet. There is plenty of time to make it to the finish line. There is no "winning" in this race, only finishing.

I have been told that (if we make it) we will be so happy in the Celestial Kingdom that we won't even notice the people who are missing. I don't believe that. Not completely. I think we will know that God's judgment is fair but I think we will know that some of our loved ones didn't make the right choices and we will feel... something. Sad, disappointed, we will miss them.

President David O. McKay explained, 

Whenever any person dies, the virtue of love will persist, and if any inquirer believes in the immortality of the soul, or in the persistence of personality after death, he must admit that love will also persist. The injunction of the Savior [is] to love our neighbor as ourselves. But if earthly things are typical of heavenly things, in the spirit world we shall recognize our loved ones there and know them as we loved them here.

To me, this means that our feelings won't change just because we have died.  We will probably hang out with the same people there as we do here. We will want to be with the same people. If someone is missing, what will we say to each other? "Remember What's-His-Name? He had such a great sense of humor. I really liked him. Oh, well, too bad for him." I know, we all have to choose for ourselves. We are accountable for our own choices. But who would you want there with you? And who would you miss?

Superwoman VS Peer Pressure

When I was growing up "peer pressure" might as well have been the Plague! It seemed that everyone was warning kids about the dangers of peer pressure, giving in to friends and society and everything else that might influence us to do "bad things". What I didn't realize then is that peer pressure doesn't go away as you get older, it just changes a little.

Kids are likely to feel pressured to drink, try drugs, have sex, or simply wear certain styles or tease other kids. Adults never have those temptations. Right? We cross some kind of magical threshold and are suddenly free of the burdens of trying to fit in. We no longer care about how we look or what others think of us. What a wonderful Utopian life adulthood must be....NOT!!!

Peer pressure is sometimes more subtle for adults. That can make it more dangerous. I remember being able to hide behind the law when my friends teased me about not drinking in high school. They didn't argue with "It is against the law, you know." When I was 21, I ended up in First Class on a flight back to college. The flight attendant offered me alcoholic drinks many times. She couldn't understand why I would refuse. "But they're free." she kept saying, as if that were the only reason I wouldn't want them.

That was the first time I had to really stand up to someone when it came to drinking. I thought "okay, I passed the test, now it will get easier. But that wasn't my only test. During deployments, military wives often turn to alcohol to escape their pain for a while. I was asked more than once how I could make it through without drinking. Living in European countries where drinking alcohol is like drinking water, I again had to explain that no, I wasn't interested in sampling the local beer, even if it was free.

Other kinds of peer pressures plague adults. How much money do you make? What things do you have? Where have you been on vacation? How smart or talented are your children? What sacrifices do you make for them? These are just a few points that have come up in my adult life. There is nothing wrong with them either, depending on how you look at them.

One problem we have as adults is trying to impose our life lessons and beliefs on each other. I can remember one mother being shocked that I didn't usually let my kids play in the bathtub. I saw baths as messy and time consuming so I gave them a "navy style" washing (wet, wash, rinse, dry). She lectured me on the importance of water play and how much our family was missing out on by not letting them have an actual bath.

Other parents have reacted equally appalled by our differences in reading time, bed time, diet, toys, clothing, hair care, cleaning products, well, pretty much everything!  I am not talking about offering opinions or advice, I have had a few people get really passionate about things! We can all find fault, or at least differences, if we are looking for them. The real question is should we be looking?

Several months ago, I attended a Relief Society lesson about Provident Living. As the class discussed various aspects of this frugal lifestyle, we started talking about coveting. I had always thought of this as a synonym for envy or jealousy. As we discussed the meaning of "coveting" I realized that it didn't necessarily mean wanting your neighbors horse. It might mean wanting one just like it. Maybe you don't want her kids, you want yours to be smarter of better behaved...like hers. Maybe you wish your house was like hers or you had a TV or computer or car like hers. Maybe you wish you had her body or hair color or fashion sense.

There is nothing wrong with having role models, even as adults. Watching and learning from the examples of others can make us try harder to become better people. The problem comes from overdoing it. Focusing on what others have instead of our own blessings makes us bitter and ungrateful. And we don't always know what opposition they my have in their lives. We are all sent here with a unique test to take. Copying doesn't do us any good.  The problems are different for each of us. Whether we pass or fail is ultimatly up to us.

You and your "Superfriends"

I have been thinking lately about friendship. How do we make friends or strengthen the relationships we already have? This was prompted by two seemingly unrelated discussions.

One discussion was about the effect of technology on relationships. A sister at church talked about how easy it was to text someone or email and "skip the niceties". She suggested that we make the extra effort to actually speak to each other from time to time.

The other discussion came a few weeks later, also at church, as we discussed Provident Living. (Provident Living is term that encompasses a number of topics such as emergency preparedness and living within your means.) One sister talked about how much she loved to shop, especially if she was having a bad day. She said that she was trying to curb that need to spend and would go to the store without her wallet so she wouldn't spend. As I thought about this I remembered the comments from a few weeks ago. I realized that shopping was just another way of replacing real relationships with pretend ones.

Let me explain further. My husband used to tell me that I needed to "get out" more. I argued that I got out a few times a week, going to the grocery store, running errands, going to various appointments, etc. He said that didn't count. He was right, of course. I was interacting with cashiers and secretaries but I rarely had a meaningful visit with someone. It wasn't that I didn't have friends, I just didn't hang out with them.

I have a friend who is an amazing example of the very skill I don't have. I will call her M. When we first met, M was a stay-at-home-mom-to-be of her first child. She would call me up and say "I was wondering if I could come over for a while." Of course I said yes. I wasn't doing anything special. Other times she would call and ask "Would you like to come over for lunch tomorrow? I want to try out a new recipe." She might invite two or three other friends and we would spend the afternoon talking while our children played.

She seemed gifted in her ability to come up with things to do that were fun, simple, and (most importantly) cost free. She had found a new park she wanted to try. There was a free cooking demonstration on post. The library was starting a new program. Once she called to say that a mutual friend had discovered ripe Blackberries along the edge of her property. Would I like to go berry picking?

M seemed to awaken in us a happiness and curiosity that had, for some reason, become dormant. It wasn't what we did that mattered. It was doing it together. I wish I could say that when she moved away we all continued to follow her example. We didn't. Not that we didn't have moments of social connections. But it wasn't the same.

Although I have not yet been able to emulate this wonderful social skill, I know that it is a valuable one. I have said on more than one occasion "I am just not like that." While this may be true, it is no excuse. In fact, when I told my husband that it was hard for me he said "Well, maybe it's hard for her, too." Was it possible?

A few years ago, I decided I needed to broaden my literary expereince. I started listening to classic novels on CD while performing my daily activities. One of my choices was Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. I had seen the BBC movie version several times. (Okay, so I practically have it memorized. I know you do, too. Don't deny it!)

One part of the book struck me in a way that the movie did not. When Mr. Darcy makes excuses for his behavior and Elizabeth chastises him, he takes it to heart. He makes an effort to change his ways and succeeds.

For some reason this left me feeling ashamed of myself. I realized that I often make those same excuses and expect others to just accept me the way I am. I know that I could change. I could learn to be more friendly and sociable. But it is scary. Why? What is the worst that can happen? I might have to be around other women who are fun and smart and help me be a better person. Oh, the horror!

I would like to say that I have learned my lessons and changed my ways but I haven't. Not completely anyway. That doesn't mean that I can't start now. The ability to change is one of my greatest superpowers!