Showing posts with label seperation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seperation. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Burden


Cart

The Burden


By Amy Wilson Marshall

I walk along the prairie road, a slow and weary trek,


I pull a large and heavy load with a yoke around my neck.

It seems as though I pull the world, as if I’m on my own.

Although another shares my yoke I’m sure I walk alone.

Sometimes my burden is too heavy. I’m sure I’ll never make it.

When will I give up the load and let the other take it?

It seems unfair that I am working from morning until night

While my companion simply walks! It just doesn’t seem right!

Then, one day, as I start out I realize I’m alone.

The other ox is not with me. My burden is my own.

And I can’t make it, though I try, I barely move at all.

I just can’t pull it on my own. It’s just too much to haul.

Soon the other ox returns to share the load with me.

We pull a slow and steady pace but work tremendously.

We both are working very hard. We do our very best.

But sometimes I am pulling more; at times I’m pulling less.

Now, no matter what I pull, I know I share my load

And, together, we can reach the end of any road.





Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Songs of Seperation: I Will

"Love you whenever we're together; Love you when we're apart..."


Monday, January 9, 2012

Songs of Speration: Follow Me


"...all the time that you're with me we will be at home..."

A sentiment every military spouse can relate to!


Friday, January 6, 2012

Songs of Seperation: In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning

"In the wee small hours of the morning

that's the time you miss him most of all..."









Thursday, October 22, 2009

Superpowers 101: Making a Decision

Proverbs says "train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." What a wonderful truth! I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Spencer W. Kimball was the president of the the church during part of my childhood. Even as a young child I felt the great love between this prophet of God and the church members. Although he died when I was 9 years old, his counsel has always had special significance for me.

One piece of advice that has been priceless to me is this: “Develop discipline of self so that, more and more, you do not have to decide and redecide what you will do when you are confronted with the same temptation time and time again. You need only to decide some things once. How great a blessing it is to be free of agonizing over and over again regarding a temptation. To do such is time-consuming and very risky." Decide ahead of time what you will do. He seemed to give this counsel often, or at least I heard it often. As a youth, it always meant keeping the Word of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity. Over time, I realized that it had much simpler applications.

During my teenage years I often felt like an oddball. I didn't seem to really fit in anywhere. That may have been normal teenage insecurities. I had friends, many of whom are still valued friends today. I also felt unwanted by certain youth leaders at church. It seemed my birthday was forgotten every year. I was usually overlooked for "cool" assignments like youth conference planning committee or Girls Camp youth leader. Many times I was tempted to just forget about church. Who wants to be in a place where they are not wanted?

Fortunately, my stubbornness prevailed. I had gotten it into my head that one leader in particular didn't like me and was trying to get rid of me. I decided to attend every activity I possibly could to "get her back". On a deeper level, I told myself that whether or not I was delusional and paranoid about this person, Satan was the one who really didn't want me there. And I was not about to let him win.

I decided at that young age that no matter what I would go to church. That might seem silly but over the years it has become one of those foundation stones that I can cling to in rough times. In college, I had a period of time when I didn't have a calling (assignment). I felt so useless. I felt that if the Lord didn't need me, why go at all. I fought this feeling and soon I was happily serving in a church calling.

I was again tempted to avoid church when we were first married. We were in a new, large city. We attended a large ward where people came and went all the time thanks to 2 nearby military installations. We had our first child 9 months after we got married and just 5 short weeks later my husband was halfway around the world. I realized that we didn't know many people. Looking back, I did really well under the circumstances. But it still felt lonely. One Sunday I woke up with a pulled muscle in my back and didn't go to church. No one called. No one asked me why I wasn't there the next week. And I was the Relief Society Pianist!!! (Not that I was very good at it!) I felt lost in the crowd. Even so, I had a few memorable spiritual experiences there because of my willingness to keep going.

The last experience I will share with you came a few years ago when we lived in Germany. I loved our ward and the members. I enjoyed going to church there and I learned SO much during those years. But they were NOT easy! We had only been there a few months when the World Trade Center was attacked. In the following years my husband deployed a total of 3 times. We also had 3 more children there, including twins. There were plenty of times when I went to church and spent the entire time in the hallway or nursery with disruptive children. It wasn't that they were bad. They were young and there was only one of me.

Sometimes I thought "what's the point? Why am I putting myself and my children through this?" But the same stubborn tenacity of my youth took over. I was determined to be there every week no matter what. I recognized that this was the only thing I really did for myself, that I spent most of my time at home with the children like a hermit, and that I desperately needed whatever blessings the Lord was going to give me for my effort.

I adopted the motto "What else have you got to do?" and said it over and over when I was tempted to stay home. I was tremendously blessed. I was always able to find babysitters for meetings. Members seemed to just show up offering the exact thing I needed whether it was companionship or help with housework or entertaining the kids. I was always amazed at what they were willing to do, like it was nothing to them when it was everything to me. I also had callings that required me to study the scriptures, attend stake training mettings, and otherwise learn and grow spiritually. I attribute all of these blessings to my choice to go to church.

Another piece of counsel from President Kimball sums up what I am trying to say.  On his desk was a sign that said DOn't quIT. Two short phrases, so linked together, that say so much.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Superpowers 101: Strengthening the "Feeblenese"

Many years ago, I attended a satellite broadcast of General Conference with my family. I was still a kid, old enough to know what was going on but young enough to be bored. One talk stood out to me. I don't remember who the speaker was. What caught my attention was a phrase he kept repeating "lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the Feeblenese". I kept thinking "who are the Feeblenese?"

I imagined a tiny tropical island filled with dark-skinned natives dressed in brightly colored clothes. They were impoverished but smiling. As he repeated the phrase over and over, I imagined that they had some kind of rare desease that made them weak so their hands dragged on the ground. They toiled from morning to night to do the basic chores of survival.

By the time the speaker had finished, the image of these poor people was burned into my memory. It has been over 20 years and I still remember that experience vividly. As I got older, I became familiar with the phrase he had repeated. It was from the scriptures, admonishing us to "succor the weak, lift up the hands that hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

Because of that talk, and my imaginative misunderstanding of what was being said, I have taken a special interest in this phrase and its true meaning. In the years since I have often asked myself "Who are the Feeble Knees"?

We all become weary at times, with hanging hands and shaking knees. We are in need but don't know how to ask for help. I have found that it doesn't take much to lift those hands and strengthen those knees. A simple, unexpected, unrequested act of kindness can go a long way.

This year, President Thomas S. Monson spoke of service, relating many simple acts of service that had been rendered in honor of his birthday. As he spoke, I thought of the many acts of service that I have received. There are two that stand out to me and I would like to share them with you. Both of these instances occured during my husband's deployment to Iraq a few years ago. Though simple and small, they still touch my heart today.

One priviledge of being a member of the US military is the use of military commissaries. This was an especially comforting service while living overseas where familiar products were otherwise unavailable. The commissaries employ baggers to bag the groceries and load them into your car. They are often retirees or high school kids. The baggers work for tips only. The suggested amount is $.25 per bag. I have long made it a habit to tip the baggers as generously as possible.

We lived in a small community and whether I wanted to or not, I stood out. The commissary workers were always friendly and helpful, distracting the children or helping me load the groceries onto the conveyor belt.

During this particular deployment, I had 4 young children who needed to be strapped into their car seats. This was a time-consuming and sometimes frustrating chore, especially at the end of an equally long and frustrating shopping trip.

One day, a young man bagged my groceries. I assumed he was a student since I only saw him there if I went shopping on evenings or weekends. He was quiet and efficient. I really had not paid much attention to him until that day. As I struggled to get my children buckled into their seats, he loaded my groceries into the back of my van and closed the door. I stopped what I was doing and went to the back to give him his tip. He was gone. I looked around and did not see him anywhere.

I was stunned. Although the baggers were not demanding about their tips, they usually hung around waiting for you to notice them. Even if they walked away, they were slow about it so you could catch them if you wanted to give them a tip. I know it seems small but I was moved to tears by this young man's simple service to me. It wasn't that I couldn't spare those few dollars. It was that he had helped me without a word, without a thank you. He had noticed my struggle and done what he could to help. I cried all the way home.

An equally moving experience happened after another such shopping trip. My twins were old enough to walk and struggle up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment. I was always torn between leaving them in the van or the apartment while I made multiple trips up and down with groceries. I usually employed the older two kids(who were 3 and 4) to help with at least one light bag as we made our trip up the stairs.

One day, my toddler son insisted on helping. I gave him a plastic bag with one box of tissues in it. I fully expected to be adding this bag to the ones in my hands after just a few steps. As we started our climb, he cheerfully pulled the bag up one step after another. After a while, he began to slow down. He was obviously struggling. Afterall, the box as almost as big as he was!

I offered over and over to take it from him but he refused. He was determined to help. He dragged that bag all the up to our apartment, carried it into the house, removed the tissues from the bag and put them on the counter. He was so proud of himself.

I realized that carrying that extra bag would not have made much difference to me. I was big enough and strong enough to do it with minimal effort. But for him, that was tremendous. He had made a huge sacrifice to help me with the groceries. He had struggled and worked and smiled the whole time. I was reminded of the parable of the Widow's Mite, the woman who gave so little and yet so much. I was humbled by my child's willingness to serve me.

In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin teaches that when we are in the service of others we are serving God. Sometimes it is hard to serve others. It can be embarrassing and scary, especially if we think our service will go unnoticed or unappreciated. If we think of it as King Benjamin said, that we are not serving people but serving God, it becomes easier. It doesn't feel like service, a duty to perform. It feels like a privilege.

I have learned a lot about the Feeblenese. They don't necessarily live far away or have a crippling disease. They may not even look like they are weak or needy. They often don't need much, just a smile or a conversation, a simple act of service to show them they are not alone and forgotten. They are not always weak either. It turns out that when you strengthen a Feeblenese, they are able to strengthen others. I guess I was all wrong about them!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Superwoman on her own

I "joined " the military just over ten years ago when I married an active duty serviceman. Prior to that I knew almost nothing about the military. One thing I was certain of; I would spend at least some of my marriage without my husband.

This did not bother me too much. I accepted it as a way of life. While my mother was singing the "you poor thing" song, I took a more rational approach. I had already been exposed to couples who spent at least some time apart. I knew a woman whose husband was a bank examiner and had to travel for a few days a month. I had worked for a doctor's wife and saw the inconsistency of their life as he did on-call work and hospital rotations. As my friends got married, many of them were apart from their husbands for grad-school, internships, and job searches. As time passed, some of them had to deal with their husbands' long work hours, inconsistent schedules, or business trips. A few have moved more times than we have!

During the first few deployments, I tried to make things "special". I tried a lot of the tips I was given about keeping lots of extra pictures, doing fun things, going on trips, etc. It seemed like the deployment was supposed to be a months-long party.

None of it worked. My kids would see a new movie or chicken nuggets for dinner and KNOW something was up. To them it wasn't a treat; it was a reminder that Daddy was gone. They usually reacted badly to these efforts.

After ten years of experience, I learned that a few tips are actually helpful. Here is my list of what has worked for me. (These tips can apply to everyone who faces this kind of situation, military or not.)

1. Stick to your routine. When my husband is home, we eat healthy, hot meals at the table. Eating sandwiches in front of the TV was not a treat when the kids needed stability. So, when he is gone, I still cook and we still eat at the table... most of the time. It makes a huge difference for the kids and for me. I need the extra energy of a healthy meal when I am dealing with more demands.

2. Don't put off the fun. There is a tendency to say "We will wait until Daddy is home to do that." While you might want to make a few small exceptions to this, it is best to go on with the birthdays and Halloween and Christmas. It says that even though Daddy is gone, we can still have a good time. We don't have to miss out on the things we enjoy or the events that are specail to us.

3. Don't make excuses. When the weight of being the only caregiver starts bringing you down, it can be easy to say no to all the extras. Ask yourself this question :"What else have I got to do?" If the answer is watch 5 hours of TV, or spend the evening taking Facebook quizzes, then go to the game or FRG meeting or whatever else it might be. That doesn't mean say yes to everything either. You do need a break once in a while. Just don't deprive yourself (or your kids) of opportunities because you are feeling lonely.

4. Don't focus on the negative. A few years ago, a fellow spouse told me that she was having a hard time with her four year old. "He cries himself to sleep every night. " She said sadly. When I asked why she replied, "Well I told him his daddy was probably going to be killed in Iraq so he better get used to the idea." I was stunned. She explained that she felt it was important to be honest with children and she didn't want to say her husband would be coming home and then be thought a liar by her son if her didn't. didn't that make her a liar when her husband came home alive and well?
To me, this caused months of unnecessary pain and frustration for this family. Yes, there is the possibility that a soldier will not return from his deployment. Then again, he might be killed in a car accident on his way home from work. There are a lot of uncertainties in life and focusing on them does not make them go away. Being positive will help you and your family through the tough times, any tough times.
5. Give and receive help. I could not have made it through some of the separations without the help of friends and family. I especially benefited from the give-and-take relationships I had with other women in the same boat. We each knew what the other was going through and could offer support with just a smile or a phone call. Doing it all yourself doesn't prove anything to anyone. It just makes you REALLY tired and probably just a tad irritable.
6. Keep your perspective, AKA count your blessings. The first time my husband deployed I was living in an unfamiliar city with a brand new baby. I was not very upset, more in shock than anything else. Shortly after he left, his grandmother called me. Her husband had been in the Navy during WWII. Although I don't remember complaining, she seemed to chastise me a little and said bluntly, "My first child was two years old before his father even laid eyes on him. This is nothing." Her words were like a slap in the face. I never forgot them either. In recent years I have sat in my home having live video chats with my husband while he was half a world away. I have spoken to him on the phone, emailed, sent him packages that only took a days instead of months to arrive (usually). It may not be my first choice but it could be a whole lot worse!
There is a lot of advice out there and while it might not all work fro you, it is given with good intention. Dealing with separation is a learning process. Each time is different. But the most important lesson I have learned is that they always come to an end!