Happy 12th Birthday to my boy on the brink of manhood.

If

by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Thank Tank, Day 18

I am thankful for my husband. He makes so many sacrifices for our family. He keeps trying. I am so proud of him. He even puts up with all of my moods and quirks and flaws. I think he must love me or something!

Breathes There The Man

Walter Scott

Breathes there the man with soul so dead

Who never to himself hath said,

This is my own, my native land!

Whose heart hath ne’er within him burned,

As home his footsteps he hath turned

From wandering on a foreign strand!

If such there breathe, go, mark him well;

For him no minstrel raptures swell;

High though his titles, proud his name,

Boundless his wealth as wish can claim

Despite those titles, power, and pelf,

The wretch, concentred all in self,

Living, shall forfeit fair renown,

And, doubly dying, shall go down

To the vile dust from whence he sprung,

Unwept, unhonored , and unsung.

OPPORTUNITY

by: Edward Rowland Sill

This I beheld, or dreamed it in a dream:--

There spread a cloud of dust along a plain;

And underneath the cloud, or in it, raged

A furious battle, and men yelled, and swords

Shocked upon swords and shields. A prince's banner

Wavered, then staggered backward, hemmed by foes.

A craven hung along the battle's edge,

And thought, "Had I a sword of keener steel--

That blue blade that the king's son bears, -- but this

Blunt thing--!" he snapped and flung it from his hand,

And lowering crept away and left the field.

Then came the king's son, wounded, sore bestead,

And weaponless, and saw the broken sword,

Hilt-buried in the dry and trodden sand,

And ran and snatched it, and with battle shout

Lifted afresh he hewed his enemy down,

And saved a great cause that heroic day.

Superwoman VS Divorce

Eleven years ago this month, I was sealed for time and eternity to my husband in the Washington DC Temple. It has been a busy and stressful life together so far. But not a bad life. That doesn't mean it has been all rainbows and sunshine either.

I have thought a lot about marriage. There are so many marriages today that are temporary. Just recently, I was listening to the radio and heard a song called "Highway 20 Ride" by Zac Brown Band. I had heard this song before but for some reason the sadness of it really hit me. I found myself weeping for all the broken families in the world.

What really struck me was the phrase "Your mom and me just couldn't get along." How many families have suffered because of this superficial, prideful excuse? I thought of all the lies Satan has been feeding people about marriage and life and happiness. His lie is that we deserve better, that we would be happier with someone else or just without the other person. I know there are times when that may be the case. I am certainly not suggesting that people stay in violent or dangerous relationships. But we all know that most marriages end because of selfishness, boredom, infidelity,... the list goes on.

I truly believe that most relationships have the potential to be strong and lasting. Anything worth having requires sacrifice and effort. There is no such thing as the easy way in anything, including marriage. Anyone who says they would be happier with someone else is deluding themselves. With a different spouse they would just have a different set of problems.

Several years ago, I had a little reality check. My husband was gone to a school for a few months and I was struggling to care for our 4 young children and our large, neglected yard. A family from the ward had come over to help cut the grass and rake leaves.Talking with the mom about the quirks and whims of husbands, we shared a few gripes about our husbands. I was surprised by how similar our two husbands were because, on the surface, they were nothing alike.

During our conversation, I started complaining about how strict my husband was at times, insisting on this or that. I remember distinctly saying  "He gets mad if I don't wash the table every day." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I started to laugh. I realized how simple a thing that was to expect. I also was a little embarrassed to hear myself admit that I didn't always get to that job. (In my defense, I had 4 children under 5 at the time and I was living in a foreign country. There was ALWAYS something that didn't get done!)

The point is, I was mad at him for harassing me about the stupid crumbs on the table because I was busy from morning til night. He was just trying to encourage me to keep the house sanitary. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I know there are people in this who would have gotten divorced over that. What I found is that saying it out loud sometimes puts it into perspective.

A psychologist might say that there was more going on than a dirty table. I would have to agree. There were some control issues and feelings of being under appreciated on both sides. Was that too much to work through? No. In fact some of those issues improved simply by recognizing them.

This reminds me of a story from my childhood called "There's No Such Thing as a Dragon" by Jack Kent. The kid keeps trying to tell his mother about the dragon that is growing in their house but she refuses to acknowledge it, even though she has to climb over it to get her work done. In the end, the dragon just wanted to be noticed.

So, what makes the effort worthwhile? Why should anyone put up with a nagging husband who wants a clean table? Because it isn't just my husband that I have made a commitment to.

This is how I look at it: I imagine that Heavenly Father has said to me 'Amy, I have this son who I love very much. I want him to be happy and successful and have the best life possible. But he has problems. He can be cranky and moody and smelly. He won't always do what he should. He might spend way too much time playing computer games and trying to tickle you even though you hate it. But I promise that if you will do your best to love him and be his companion throughout his life, caring for him and challenging him when need be, you will both be blessed. Will you do that? Can you love him and be with him even when it isn't pleasant?'

And I imagine he has said something very similar to my husband. Glad he accepted the challenge!

Superpowers 102: Speaking Husband

My husband is a pretty good guy. He works hard to provide for our family, makes sacrifices, does little things to show he is thinking of us, etc. Overall, I can't complain. Sometimes, though,...let's just say we are both human.

I have come to realize that a large part of our differences comes from speaking two different languages. I thought I was pretty fluent in "Man" since I have 5 brothers and I thought that having 6 sisters had prepared him to speak "Woman". Unfortunately we learned different dialects.

For example, my husband would come home from work and ask innocently "What did you do today?" Now, that is actually what he said but it translated to "I have been working all day long, work that I am compensated for because of my education and experience, which compensation supports you and our family, and now I come home and find you still in pajamas, dirty dishes in the sink, the floor not vacuumed (because it is so covered with stuff you can't SEE the floor), and piles of laundry everywhere which may or may not be clean, and you haven't even started dinner, so WHAT exactly have you been doing all day?"

My reaction would be one of two things, sobbing uncontrollably or defending myself. This happened for years. Not everyday, but often enough. If I started defending myself, sometimes we would argue. Sometimes the argument was "What is wrong with you, woman? All I said is 'How was your day?'" The reply, as all women know, is "NO YOU DIDN"T!!!!" Now, my husband actually says "How was your day?" which somehow leaves less room for wild interpretations.

Of course part of the misinterpretation was my fault. I was the one who felt like an underachiever. That is why I heard things he didn't say. As I have become more accepting of myself, we have less misunderstandings from simple phrases.

Sometimes our roles are reversed. I have often complained that my husband didn't tell me enough about what was going on in his life outside of our home. He sometimes forgot to tell me that his sister had  another baby or that he was getting some kind of recognition at work. Sometimes he mentioned things casually, in passing (while I was trying to help kids with homework and cook dinner and nurse an infant).

Later, he would use these moments as examples of me not listening to him. I would try to argue that  he didn't make a big deal about it so I didn't think it was important. His reply: "I told you about it. That means it's important!" Again, mistranslation between "Man" and "Woman".


After living in foreign countries, where simply using a dictionary was not enough, I have learned a few things about speaking foreign languages.

First, there is more to a language than just the words. Those words have meaning and cultural connotations that can not be explained in a single phrase. That is why "What did you do today?" turned into an attack. It takes time to realize that what we think we are saying and what the other person is hearing are not always to same.

Second, the same phrase can have a very different meaning from one language to another. For my husband "What did you do today?" means "What happened today that was different or exciting?" That is why his answer to that question is "Same as always." It doesn't occur to him that I don't actually know what he does everyday.

Third, learning a new language is fun! Okay, so it is really frustrating sometimes, too. The point is, learning is exciting. It is challenging and rewarding. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We are much better at speaking each others languages but it didn't happen overnight. It took time and patience. It took work from both sides. I feel really sorry for couples who divorce because of communication problems. I know that they weren't trying hard enough. Maybe they were trying to teach the other person but not learning themselves. I know it takes work, maybe even a translator. But it is so worth it!

I learned German in school. I was disappointed that I was not able to communicate well when we lived there. I was reluctant to expose my flawed skills. I was afraid of making a mistake. Then I moved to Belgium. Then I knew what it was like to REALLY not speak a language! I suddenly felt fluent in German!

The point is, whatever effort we make is a good one. We may know that there is still room for improvement but that doesn't negate the knowledge we have already gained. I have been speaking English for over 30 years and I still learn new words and improve my grammar on a regular basis. Oh, wait. Does that mean in 20 years I still won't speak "Man" as well as my husband? Probably. But I am sure I will speak it better than I do today!

Finding Superman

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this is going to be about how I met my husband or about guys I dated or how to find the perfect guy. Sorry to disappoint you. While those are all interesting and may come up at some point, that is not what I am writing about today.

Today, I am writing about how to find your superman. Again, you may be thinking, "Well, I am already married to this guy. What good will this do me?" And that would be the point. Did you ever wonder why Lois Lane never realized that Clark Kent was really Superman? Was Clark really that undesirable?  Is it possible to be that blind? Maybe it is?

I used to dream elaborate dreams about what my life would be like when I got married. I had all kinds of hopes and fantasies about the romantic moments and happy memories, the secret codes we would use to talk to each other, the interests and talents we would share. We would be so perfect together. It was a wonderful life.

Then I actually got married.

I am not saying that to be cruel or critical about my husband. He is just... human. NOT a figment of my imagination but a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, moody, normal person. And, amazingly enough, I am just as normal as he is! I had thought I was prepared for the "real" side of life with a "real" person. I like to think of myself as an optimistic realist. But reality was not what I expected.

It hasn't been all bad. Not by a long shot. Our life together has just been...real. We have had arguments and differences of opinion. There are things each of us enjoys that the other finds mind-numbingly boring. We have had times when we struggled financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally. The military life doesn't make it any easier. I guess what I am trying to say is that after all the years of daydreaming and imagining the very best, the real thing was sort of...dull.

Again, I am not trying to be critical of my husband. He has many wonderful qualities. My point is that when you know someone REALLY well, it can be hard to have the right perspective.

I learned early on that I wasn't the only woman who feels this way on occasion. I remember when a friend of ours was called as a counselor in the Bishopric, his wife's reaction was "MY husband? Are you sure?!?!?" Of course, we all might have reacted that way in the same situation. At the same time, I thought her husband was perfect for the job.

This experience and a few others caused me to reflect about my perceptions of people in my life. I realized that if the Bishop asked me to do something or the Stake President gave me his opinion about how something should be done, I would take it seriously. I would not argue or say I would do it and then ignore what they told me. They are priesthood leaders. They have the authority from God to receive inspiration regarding those in their stewardship and they should be respected. I wondered how I would view my husband if he were in one of those positions as a priesthood leader? Wasn't he actually in one already?

I was always taught that the man presides over the home and acts as the priesthood leader of the family. I thought about my husband as the priesthood authority in our home. Did I have the same kind of respect for him as I did for the Bishop? How many times had he made a suggestion and I ignored it? Rolled my eyes? Ended up in an argument because I didn't like what he had to say?

I realized that too often I focused on my husband's weaknesses instead of his strengths. That wasn't fair to him and it wasn't doing our family any good.  I can't say that I never notice his flaws or that I always focus on his strengths. I am not perfect either. But when I try to see him as I should, those flaws become trivial. I see through the disguise and find my superman.

Superpowers 101: Speaking another language

Your first thought when you read the title of this post was probably about a foreign language. Some of you might have even thought, "I've got that one covered." I bet most of you aren't fluent in the languages I have in mind.

The first language is Baby. I already talked about how confusing and frustrating it can be to try and communicate with children. I also admit that this is a learning process for everyone. But there are a few simple techniques to communicating with a small child that some woman just don't get.

I have spent the last 8 years living in Europe. I have spent many hours trying to communicate with people who didn't speak my language. If I went into a store and started touching stuff, a clerk might start lecturing me in French. I may not have had a clue what the words meant but I knew I had done something he didn't like. How did I know? By his tone and expression.

One of my biggest pet-peeves is when mothers smile and say "no, no, no" in the same sweet, sing-song voice that they say "Let's have some ice cream." They don't understand why their child doesn't listen. It is because he doesn't speak English! He does not know he has done something wrong. How would he? His mother is smiling and making "happy sounds". She must love it when he throws toys at her head.

Equally frustrating is when parents give long, drawn-out instructions to their 14-month-old. I admit that I tend to over-explain things to my kids. I am working on it. A few years ago I saw a news story about how to train your dog. The trainer explained that dogs can't understand much so owners need to keep their commands simple. I decided to try this with my son, who was about 18 months old at the time. I would say "sit", "no", "stop", "eat", etc. It worked. He learned very quickly what those words meant and what I wanted when I said them. In fact, it was so effective that I wished I had learned it 8 years earlier! Another unexpected side effect is that as I became more conscious of what I said, he learned to communicate more effectively. He has a better grasp of the English language at 3 than my other kids have now!

The second language a superwoman needs to learn is Man. I know that sounds cliche but it is true. Some women just don't know how to speak Man and it can cause serious problems and misunderstandings for them. Let me illustrate.

Several years ago, I was talking with some women at church about who could watch the nursery for an upcoming activity. I volunteered my husband. They all rolled their eyes and started laughing. "What's so funny?" I asked, slightly offended. "We have asked your husband several times and he won't do it." I was stunned. "I'll ask him myself." I said and we changed the subject.

That evening, I told my husband about my conversation. "They must have me confused with someone else. No one has asked me to watch the nursery at all. But I will do it this time." Then he said "Oh, wait. Were you talking about So-and-so?" I said yes and he shook his head. It turned out that these women had not actually asked him to do anything. They had said something like "How would you like spending the evening with a room full of little kids. Wouldn't you just love that?" When he replied honestly that no he would not love it, they simply walked away in frustration. He pointed out that no one had ever been specific about what they needed or asked him if he would be willing to do it.

When I explained this to the women involved they were even more disgusted. "See! He IS difficult! How were we supposed to know that he was like that!" I realized for the first time just how different men and women are when it comes to communicating. I grew up in a house full of boys so I have a pretty good grasp of the Man language. Still, I have to be careful or slip into Woman and run the risk of being misinterpreted or ignored.

The point is, we all could do better at expressing ourselves and understanding others. Just as I had to carry around a foreign language dictionary when I was living overseas, we all should carry a mental translation dictionary. Just taking a moment to stop and really listen to what is being said can make all the difference.