Ignorance Is NOT Bliss...Or Is It?

Deployments are hard. They are stressful and put random strains on you that you don't expect. There is also a Murphy's Law that if something can go wrong it will happen during a deployment.


Now, I don't really put much stock in such superstitions. I think stuff will happen no matter what. It is just more upsetting when you are shouldering the burdens alone.

We are now about 2 months into this relatively short deployment. And it is holiday season. The kids and I wanted a break. We discussed it and decided to spend Thanksgiving with my family in North Carolina. My husband was not thrilled about this idea. We discussed it. A lot. Sometimes after we talked I had such a feeling of foreboding that I didn't even want to leave the house! The decision was still unmade the morning we planned to leave. I mean, we had packed and stopped the mail and newspaper and done everything as if we were going but I wasn't going anywhere until I was sure of what to do and I just wasn't.

I had prayed about it a few times and was still coming up blank. I even wondered if I was being like Joseph Smith and the 116 lost pages, asking over and over when the answer was no. But I hadn't really gotten a no either.

So, that morning, I gathered the kids together and discussed the situation. I explained that there was going to be some possible bad weather. I explained that one of them had been sick just the day before and the others might get sick on the trip if it was going around like it does in big families. I told them we could go for Christmas instead. We all wanted to go now. We all wanted to spend Christmas in our own home. So we prayed again.

I remember at some point that morning pleading for assurance that either decision was best. I was so torn and I really needed an answer either way. I silently asked if we would be safe. Suddenly I had the assurance I was seeking. Yes, we would be safe.

That was good enough for me. We loaded up the care and headed out. It rained for the first half of the trip. Normally I hate driving in rain. I hate being a passenger in heavy rain! But this time I was fine. I was cheerful. I drove right through the storm without feeling stressed out at all. We got beyond the storm and headed on to my parents house.

We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles. I got to hold one of the newest members of the family. All the kids played really well the whole time. I talked a lot with my dad and my brother who had flown in from Utah. My grandmother had the great-granddaughters over for a sleepover, just like when I was a kid and spent the night with my cousins there. And on the other side of the family all 20 of the great-grandchildren were together for the first time and were able to take a picture together with their great-grandmother. My oldest son played football with his second cousins and had a great time. We were treated to a mini concert by my cousin's daughter on her tiny cello and her dad let all the little kids try it out (My kids LOVED it!!!) I spent some time with my mom and sister-in-law shopping on Black Friday. And I came home with lots of Christmas presents to go under our tree!

I had planned to drive home on Monday. The extended forecast had shown rain on Monday and Tuesday so I considered leaving Sunday. When my youngest woke up Saturday with an eye infection I considered it again. Honestly, I wasn’t quite ready to go back to real life. There was now a slow-moving winter storm coming right across our path home. If I waited it out we wouldn't leave until Wednesday or Thursday. I decided to go on Monday as planned. I felt uncertain about what to do but I didn't know why. I did think of asking my dad to check out the Suburban for me but I felt kind of silly. We had done a lot of work to it and there was nothing to suggest that anything was wrong. Well, I had to add a gallon of coolant on the way there so I had been keeping an eye on that. I even checked it before I left and bought 2 gallons to keep with me just in case but it was fine.

The first part of the trip was great we had pretty good weather and made good time to Knoxville, TN. That is about half way for us. We stopped for lunch at McDonalds and I let the kids play for about an hour. We filled up the tank and started back on I-40. At which point I couldn't go above 50mph and the RPM's shot up to 5!!! I didn’t know what was wrong so I pulled over and checked for a flat tired or parking brake but everything looked okay. I went on to the next exit and got off. We drove around for a few minutes looking for a place to park so I could use the GPS to find a mechanic. I saw a lube shop and stopped there. The man was VERY nice and said they could take a look and either fix it or tell us where to take it.

First, they found a bad leak in the transmission line. Apparently it had been cut and sliced with rubber hose which was not good enough. They replaced it with a metal pipe and assured me that it would last for a while. But after adding 5 quarts of fluid it still wouldn't shift into third gear. They said the upper gears were bad and I should put it in2nd gear to drive. "Don't go above 45 and you should be fine." They suggested the interstate because it would be the straightest, shortest route and limit more wear on the gears.

We had 225 miles to go. It was raining pretty hard. 45 isn't bad in those conditions. We drove about 2 hours before it was dark and clear... and 70 mph. We were stopped by a state trooper. He wasn't very helpful but said that if I got off at the next exit I could take a highway that ran parallel to the interstate “for a while". We crawled along to the exit and got something to eat. Well, the kids ate. I was too upset to eat. I bought a map (since GPS can be really stupid!) and took that highway to the next town, about 20 miles. The clerk that sold me the map said there was nothing after that. (He turned out to be right!)

We got a hotel in Cookesville. I didn't want to try the unfamiliar roads at night, in bad weather with a flood watch out. I couldn't risk being stuck in the middle of nowhere with 7 kids. I didn't sleep well. But we got a free breakfast and I was able to email my husband. (Did I mention he's deployed?) Until this point I had considered getting it fixed, even if we had to stay a few days. That didn't quite seem like the best idea (think of keeping 7 kids entertained without a car... and did I mention the winter storm? No exactly walking weather!) I did a quick search for "rebuild transmission cost" and saw that the top few results were around 2000-2500.

Okay, never mind. I guess we will keep going. I prayed a lot that morning. I felt like we should stop by the dealership that the GPS had shown. I talked to the guy about cost, time, and how to get home in 2nd gear. He basically confirmed everything I already knew but at least that was reassuring. He and another guy said the highway I had taken to get there would go all the way to Nashville and I should have no trouble getting home if I took it slow. I also asked about a 9 passenger vehicle, just in case. The guy made some suggestions but didn't have one. I decided to keep going. Before I even got out of town my husband called. He made more suggestion, mainly to go slow (about 35) and add some Transmedic to protect what was left of the transmission. I went right back to the place across from the dealer and the guys there put some stuff in it for me.

We drove down this quiet, scenic country road for hours. I tried to stay around 30 mph. I did NOT want to ruin that gear! We made slow and steady progress. We stopped for lunch at another McDonalds and the kids played for a while. I bought more maps and called a few people from our ward to make sure I was looking at the right roads. By then I was sure of what I was doing and where I was going. My only anxiety was whether the transmission would last until we got home.

Well, it did. We got home after driving for about 7 hours at 30 miles per hour. And the kids were ready to kill each other! (Did I mention I didn't bring a DVD player and I don't have a smart phone? We were really low-tech on this trip!)

Here are some things I learned from this:

I learned that the tender mercies of the Lord are indeed a "multitude". We were able to find good people to help us along the way. We were able to feed ourselves. We were able to travel through a very beautiful area and enjoy it because we weren't racing through it. We had some good talks and prayed together and sang Christmas songs and Primary songs. There was no quick fix. We all had to find better ways to do things. We had to put our personal comforts aside to accommodate the needs of others. We had to really look at each other and acknowledge each other. Let me tell you, it was HARD!!! I have felt for a long time that we are too selfish. Now I see that we really do need to work on that.

At one point I decided to tell some stories. The first one I picked was "The Christmas Oranges". I sobbed through the whole thing! I had been feeling really guilty about this car issue. I don't like to make mistakes. And I am not very forgiving of myself. I imagined that I was little girl, crying into my pillow thinking "I don't deserve an orange anyway!!" And yet there are always people who are very willing to make sacrifices to make it better. Especially the Savior.

And that isn't all! When I got home I had an email that told a similar story of overlooking the flaws of others. I had another with a video clip by Elder Russell M. Nelson about fear and faith. AND a friend of ours was planning to come till the garden while we were gone. I came home to trimmed bushed, racked flower beds, cut grass including the trimming, and beautifully tilled garden! It looked so great even the kids noticed!

I'm pretty sure this isn't the end of this lesson. I still feel really uncertain about the immediate future. But I have a sure hope that it will all work out.

On our way home we saw a rainbow across the road. As we drove the rainbow moved with us. Here are the pictures taken by my 10 year old daughter. You can see a double rainbow in some of the pictures. And, yes, it was raining at the time! (Oh, yeah, that is just a big stick smudge in the middle that I can't get off. Oh, well!)

Thank Tank, Day 24

I am thankful for those courageous Pilgrims who ventured to a strange and distant land in search of religious freedom. I am thankful for the local natives who were kind enough to teach them how to survive. I am thankful for the traditions that developed from this experience. Thanksgiving has given me many wonderful memories. It has also given me a reminder of how truly blessed I am.

The Flag Goes By

By Henry Holcomb Bennett

Hats off!

Along the street there comes

A blare of bugles, a ruffle of drums,

A flash of color beneath the sky:

Hats off!

The flag is passing by!

Blue and crimson and white it shines,

Over the steel-tipped, ordered lines.

Hats off!

The colors before us fly; 

But more than the flag is passing by.

Sea-fights and land-fights, grim and great,

Fought to make and to save the State:

Weary marches and sinking ships;

Cheers of victory on dying lips; 

Days of plenty and years of peace;

March of a strong land’s swift increase;

Equal justice, right and law,

Stately honor and reverend awe;

Sign of a nation, great and strong 

To ward her people from foreign wrong:

Pride and glory and honor,—all

Live in the colors to stand or fall.

Hats off!

Along the street there comes 

A blare of bugles, a ruffle of drums;

And loyal hearts are beating high:

Hats off!

The flag is passing by!

Gifts:Part 2

Giving a gift can be tricky. If we want to give gift that is useful and meaningful, we must know  the receiver and their needs. Sometimes we receive gifts that we know are given with the best of intentions. But what do we do with them?

Several years ago, my husband was deployed to Bosnia. When he came home, he brought me several gifts, including a large decorated wooden box. It was beautiful but it was too large for our limited shelf space. I put it on the very top of our entertainment center, the only place with enough room but too far up to really appreciate it or use it.

My husband was disappointed. He had been selective about what to get me and thought I didn't like it. I tried to explain why I put it out of the way. He suggested I use it as a jewelry box or a recipe box. I made excuses. I already had a jewelry box and I didn't want it in the kitchen where it might get dirty or damaged. He let it go but I knew he was disappointed.

Soon we moved to another duty station. Our quarters had even less space for displaying out treasures and the box ended up in a closet shelf. I did make more effort to use if, putting photos and other small momentoes in the box. But it was out of sight and, usually, out of mind.

We moved again. I still had not forgotten my husband's gift and made more effort to use the box. I decided he was right about the jewelry box. I transferred my things into the box and got rid of the other one. Now I had the box on my dresser, in plain view. I had to open it every time I needed a pair of earrings and when I put them away later. I thought of my husband every time I walked into the room and saw the box. I remembered his gift for me. I remembered that it was a gift of love, something he thought I needed wanted me to use.

I didn't appreciate my husband's gift right away. It took effort on my part. It was for me, not him. He had given it to me and wasn't going to take it back. He wanted me to use it but didn't force me to do anything with it. If that gift sat on a shelf for the rest of my life, unused and neglected, that was my choice. Once I made the effort to use it, I couldn't imagine life without it.

There are other gifts that could fit into this scenario. The most important is the gift of our Savior's Atonement. Just like my box, the Atonement is given freely for us to use but we must make the effort. We must choose to give it a prominent place in our lives, something we can not imagine life without. It is a gift of love, given freely because it is something we need. It is not forced upon us, nor is it taken back if we don't use it. Making the Atonement an integral part of our daily lives takes effort and thought. The more we apply it in our lives, the more meaning it has for us. It becomes a constant reminder of the love our Heavenly Father and his Son have for us.

My wooden box is not the only one ever made. There are similar boxes available to tourists all over Europe. Does that make mine less special? No. My box is for me and me alone. It would not have the same value for anyone else. Neither is my relationship with the Savior any less unique because he is the Savior of all.

During this holiday season, when we are giving and receiving gifts, I hope that we can all remember the true meaning of that tradition. I hope that whatever gifts we accept and use, the Atonement will be the one we use the most.

Recognizing Your Motivation

Several years ago my husband deployed to Iraq for a year. We had 4 small children at the time and were living in Germany. It was a difficult year. Although I had more support than I could have hoped for I often felt alone and forgotten.

I tried to make things as memorable as possible for the children, taking them to see local attractions, enrolling them in sports, and attending community activities. They were too young to appreciate my efforts. As the year was drawing to a close, I felt completely drained. I needed an ego boost but almost everyone I knew was in the same boat, too weary to lift and encourage someone else.

Halloween was just around the corner. I considered avoiding the holiday altogether, knowing the children would probably not remember missing it. If I did take them trick-or-treating I would have to use my large, double stroller for my twins or we would never make it past the parking lot.

As I thought about the logistics, I had a burst of inspiration. I could make the stroller into a covered wagon and dress the children as pioneers! The front seat of the stroller was made to be turned around, facing the rear seat. I covered it with a large piece of light-colored fabric and used a cardboard box to make a "wooden" wagon and wheels. I dressed one child in a flannel shirt and overalls, the easiest costume I ever made. I had a gingham dress, complete with a bonnet, that had been mine as a child. I dressed the older 2 children as a cow and a horse, to walk beside the wagon and "pull it". It all turned out just as I imagined. I don't think I have ever been more proud of myself!

On Halloween, I took the chilren out into the neighborhood and started our journey. At first they were excited to get candy and see all the other costumes. We lived on post, at one end of the houseing area. I started down the sidewalk, pushing my wagon and leading my "animals". Everyone loved it. We were stopped by strangers to have our pictures taken. We heard countless "wow"s and dozens of other compliments. It was wonderful!

After about 45 minutes, the kids had had enough. They were complaining and tired. We had barely covered one side of the street. Despite their protests, I dragged them on, up one street and down the other until we had cover the entire housing area. I had exposed my children and my brilliant costume idea to every person I possibly could. My ego had been stroked so much it glowed! I was sure my children felt the same way. Afterall, they were the ones getting the attention. Right?

As I dragged them up to our apartment, weary and worn, their costumes hanging at odd angles from their tired bodies, my 3 year old said "Mommy, don't ever make me do that again." My balloon was popped. Or at least it had a leak. I was irriated that they had not enjoyed themselves more, especailly after all the effort I had made for them.

That nagging little voice in the back of my head snear and said "Oh really? You did it for them? Are you sure?" I thought about this as I changed them into pajamas, rubbing their hands and feet to get them warm and putting them straight to bed, too tired to even look at their spoils. "You're right." I admitted to the voice. "I did it for me. For the attention. I was showing off." I still felt good, floating on a wave of praise for my ingenuity. I am still proud of that idea today. But I learned a very valuable lesson, too.

I learned that night that not everything I do for my children is really for them. I was reminded of a favorite quote, "give them what they need, not what you want to give them." What wonderful advice. My children didn't need candy or costumes or the admiration of strangers. They needed a mother who didn't put her own needs first, who listened to what they had to say, and sometimes made sacrifices for them.

Don't get the wrong idea, I have never been so self-centered as to neglect the children...not completely. And I made plenty of sacrifices for them. What I learned was not to hide my own self-interest behind a guise of caring for my children. I am sure I still do it from time to time. Nobody's perfect!