My first real job was at a department store in my little hometown. I lived on one side of town and the store was on the other. Most of the time I worked days but once in a while I had to take the evening shift.
Now, there were several ways to get home from this part of town. I usually took the interstate. It was fast and impersonal but did the job. I could take the longer, more circuitous route through the country back roads. I could also drive the leisurely route through our tiny downtown.
One night, as I left work, I decided to take this calm, quiet, downtown path home. I drove down the well-lit streets at a creeping 30 miles per hour. There were almost no other cars on the road. I reminisced about my childhood in the these quiet streets, noting the landmarks of my personal history and that of my family.
After several minutes, I turned away from the lights of town onto the state highway leading to my home. I found myself in almost complete darkness! Even the instrument panel was dark! I could not see where I was going at all!
I frantically tried to figure out what had happened. Had the lights burned out? Was there something wrong with the battery? Had I lost power to the car?
I reached for the light switch, thinking I would turn them off and back on, only to discover that I had not turned on the lights in the first place!
I had been driving for almost 10 minutes with NO LIGHTS!!! NONE! Well, no lights of my own, anyway.
I realized I had been guided by the bright light of the streetlamps and other exterior lights along the city streets. When I left those lights, I had none of my own to lead me home.
This was a very sobering experience. I had often heard the counsel to "have your own light", meaning to have your own testimony of the Gospel. I felt I had done that, or at least I was working on it. But this experience suggested something deeper to me.
There might be times in my life when my own light is not urgently necessary to see the way. The path is clearly marked and there is plenty of light. If I neglect my own light during these times, I will not be ready when a sudden turn in the road leads me to a less-travelled path.
In the years following this experience, I have found myself on many unfamiliar roads. At times, I continued along without concern, my light was bright and the course well lit. At other times I have found myself unprepared for the darkness in which I suddenly found myself. The dimness of my own light and lack of light from other sources made that part of the journey difficult.
During some of these moments I have thought "I wish I was somewhere with more light." Or "I wish the people around me had brighter light to make this easier." My pride would not allow me to admit that if my own light had been stronger I would not be struggling as much.
One more lesson came from this experience. No matter how bright the headlights or lights of the city around me, they pale in comparison to the light of the sun. Since that night, I have marveled many times at the contrast between day and night as I drive that familiar road home. During the day I can make the turns quickly and without a conscious thought. That dark night, I would not have been able to continue without using my own lights. I might have made it but the trip would have been slow and harrowing.
I wish I could say I have learned my lesson but I haven't. I still find myself unprepared for some of the darker roads of life. It takes constant work and attention. Sometimes I am distracted my other cares and don't realize just how dark it is becoming. But I have learned that it's never too late to turn on the lights and find your way home!
Showing posts with label light. Show all posts
Showing posts with label light. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, November 8, 2010
When Lights Go Out
When I was in college, I had a friend who was a bit of pyromaniac. She came over one night and, somehow, we ended up with a table full of lit candles. My friend was playing with the little flames and occasionally put one out. Each time, I was surprised by how much darker the room was when one of those little lights went out. Relighting a candle didn't seem to be nearly as noticeable as loosing the light when it went out.
2010 has turned out to be a year of loss. We have lost more than one friend this year to untimely deaths. Each one has been a shock. But the most significant loss we have experienced this year has been the passing of my mother-in-law, Beverly Marshall.
She was diagnosed with cancer in May and died in October. All who knew her have experienced a mixture of relief that she is no longer suffering and deep sadness that she is gone.
During her funeral, I took my little ones into the hall because they were getting restless. I spoke with my 4 year old son about what was happening. He seemed to have lots of questions and was even a little confused...or so I thought.
I asked him if he understood what had happened to Grandma.
He said, "Yes. She died."
"Do you know what that means?" I asked him.
"Yes." he said sadly then added "It means her light's not on anymore."
I was doing pretty good until that moment. Then I started crying. I was so moved by how simply he had explained it. I have thought of that moment often since then. It is such a beautiful way of explaining death. As I think of each of the people that have passed on this year, I am touched by how each of them exemplified the counsel to "let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven."
One was an example of home teaching at its best. He was a single father with teenage daughters when we moved to Belgium. My husband was gone to a 4-month school in the states and we had a huge yard that needed tending. Brother Gonzalez came over several times with the missionaries to cut the grass and trim the hedges. His daughters helped with housework and played with the kids. I was so grateful for his willingness to serve our family during a stressful and frustrating time. His service reminds me that even when we think we are alone, our Heavenly Father is always there and will send just the right person to take care of His children.
Another example was a man I have known my whole life. I don't have a single memory of him where is was not smiling and joking, trying to make others happy. He was the embodiment of cheerfulness. He, too, succumbed to cancer, but his battle was long and taxing. Yet even during his long illness, he attended church, fulfilled his Priesthood duties, and was an example to all who knew him of faithfulness and discipleship.
Another is the little girl from our ward I wrote about previously. When I think of her, I think of those first few times I taught sharing time in Primary. I would look out at the sea of children; talking, looking at their feet, ignoring me... and there would be this happy, smiling face, watching me. She was always eager to answer a question and gave me a little reassurance that I wasn't talking to the clock on the back wall. So simple, yet so meaningful.
This brings me back to my mother-in-law. She was a quiet lady, never pushing or judging. She reached out in many ways. She shared several storied with me about simple things she had done that change lives. Smiling to a girl in the hall in high school, offering a seat to a young mother in Relief Society, welcoming a young woman into their home and into their family. Each of these examples are glimpses into the light she shared with others.
There is one story that has really stuck with me. Years ago, she and her husband were going to the temple in Washington DC. During the drive, they discussed an acquaintance who was having surgery. Beverly decided to put his name on the prayer roll in the temple.
When they arrived, she went to put the man's name on the prayer roll. She couldn't remember what his name was. All she could think about was Steve McQueen, the actor. She kept picturing a scene from one of his movies. After a moment, she gave up trying to remember the man's name and went about her day.
The next day, Steve McQueen died. (That was 30 years ago this week, by the way.)
This story was such an eye-opener for me. We hear phrases like "We are all God's children" or "God loves everyone". Until I heard this story, I thought I understood that. But I didn't really apply that understanding to celebrities or politicians or historical figures. I realized that I had a kind of arrogance like "I am child of God but I don't know who you people are."
Since then, I have tried harder to see EVERYONE as a child of God. It isn't as easy as you might think. Seeing a person from God's perspective can be kind of painful sometimes. Imagine how disappointed he must be in some of us. How his heart breaks at the wickedness and violence he sees us committing.
I have always loved the passage in Moses 7 where Enoch has been shown the creations of God and the destruction of the wicked.
And what should we be doing instead? "Mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9)
I don't know if I have really caught the vision yet. I think I just get little glimpses from time to time. Hopefully, someday, I will be able to align my life more perfectly with the things I have learned. In the meantime, I am grateful for all the lights that shine around me. Because of their examples, I do, indeed, want to glorify my Father in Heaven.
2010 has turned out to be a year of loss. We have lost more than one friend this year to untimely deaths. Each one has been a shock. But the most significant loss we have experienced this year has been the passing of my mother-in-law, Beverly Marshall.
She was diagnosed with cancer in May and died in October. All who knew her have experienced a mixture of relief that she is no longer suffering and deep sadness that she is gone.
During her funeral, I took my little ones into the hall because they were getting restless. I spoke with my 4 year old son about what was happening. He seemed to have lots of questions and was even a little confused...or so I thought.
I asked him if he understood what had happened to Grandma.
He said, "Yes. She died."
"Do you know what that means?" I asked him.
"Yes." he said sadly then added "It means her light's not on anymore."
I was doing pretty good until that moment. Then I started crying. I was so moved by how simply he had explained it. I have thought of that moment often since then. It is such a beautiful way of explaining death. As I think of each of the people that have passed on this year, I am touched by how each of them exemplified the counsel to "let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven."
One was an example of home teaching at its best. He was a single father with teenage daughters when we moved to Belgium. My husband was gone to a 4-month school in the states and we had a huge yard that needed tending. Brother Gonzalez came over several times with the missionaries to cut the grass and trim the hedges. His daughters helped with housework and played with the kids. I was so grateful for his willingness to serve our family during a stressful and frustrating time. His service reminds me that even when we think we are alone, our Heavenly Father is always there and will send just the right person to take care of His children.
Another example was a man I have known my whole life. I don't have a single memory of him where is was not smiling and joking, trying to make others happy. He was the embodiment of cheerfulness. He, too, succumbed to cancer, but his battle was long and taxing. Yet even during his long illness, he attended church, fulfilled his Priesthood duties, and was an example to all who knew him of faithfulness and discipleship.
Another is the little girl from our ward I wrote about previously. When I think of her, I think of those first few times I taught sharing time in Primary. I would look out at the sea of children; talking, looking at their feet, ignoring me... and there would be this happy, smiling face, watching me. She was always eager to answer a question and gave me a little reassurance that I wasn't talking to the clock on the back wall. So simple, yet so meaningful.
This brings me back to my mother-in-law. She was a quiet lady, never pushing or judging. She reached out in many ways. She shared several storied with me about simple things she had done that change lives. Smiling to a girl in the hall in high school, offering a seat to a young mother in Relief Society, welcoming a young woman into their home and into their family. Each of these examples are glimpses into the light she shared with others.
There is one story that has really stuck with me. Years ago, she and her husband were going to the temple in Washington DC. During the drive, they discussed an acquaintance who was having surgery. Beverly decided to put his name on the prayer roll in the temple.
When they arrived, she went to put the man's name on the prayer roll. She couldn't remember what his name was. All she could think about was Steve McQueen, the actor. She kept picturing a scene from one of his movies. After a moment, she gave up trying to remember the man's name and went about her day.
The next day, Steve McQueen died. (That was 30 years ago this week, by the way.)
This story was such an eye-opener for me. We hear phrases like "We are all God's children" or "God loves everyone". Until I heard this story, I thought I understood that. But I didn't really apply that understanding to celebrities or politicians or historical figures. I realized that I had a kind of arrogance like "I am child of God but I don't know who you people are."
Since then, I have tried harder to see EVERYONE as a child of God. It isn't as easy as you might think. Seeing a person from God's perspective can be kind of painful sometimes. Imagine how disappointed he must be in some of us. How his heart breaks at the wickedness and violence he sees us committing.
I have always loved the passage in Moses 7 where Enoch has been shown the creations of God and the destruction of the wicked.
28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?I feel like I can understand this better, now that I am a parent. How can God weep? His children are fighting and ignoring one another and acting like spoiled idiots.
29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?...
32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;
33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood;
And what should we be doing instead? "Mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9)
I don't know if I have really caught the vision yet. I think I just get little glimpses from time to time. Hopefully, someday, I will be able to align my life more perfectly with the things I have learned. In the meantime, I am grateful for all the lights that shine around me. Because of their examples, I do, indeed, want to glorify my Father in Heaven.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Superwoman VS...Tolerance?
We hear a lot about tolerance in our society. I sometimes agree with the "liberal" views of this word. I think we should be as fair and equal as possible. I think we should respect other people even if they are different from us in some way. I believe hatred should never be part of our lives. Unfortunately, "tolerance" has become as ugly and dangerous as "prejudice". Tolerance has come to mean "anyone can do anything and no one can say anything negative about it. If you disagree you are a bad person. " Let me give you an example of how dangerous blanket tolerance can be.
When I was in college, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store in Orem, Utah. I really loved this job. I was able to meet a lot of wonderful people. As a cashier, you get to see snapshots of people's lives without them even realizing it. I love to "people watch" anyway so this job was ideal for someone like me.
As content as I was to simply observer the customers, my manager was sometimes frustrated with my lack of suspicion. He seemed to see shoplifters and con artists everywhere. He even caught a few people right in front of me! He would calmly ask the teenager standing on the other side of my counter what else she was taking home that day. I was always surprised when she opened her backpack to reveal an assortment of haircare products and junk food.
Despite his seemingly cynical attitude towards our customers, I still enjoyed my job. I did not see villains and thieves, I saw generosity, frustration, and even heartache. I didn't pry. I just did my job and counted my blessings.
One day, a man came into our store in a long, thin white robe and a little white cap. He looked like he had stepped out of the Bible. He was dirty and had a scraggly beard. My boss followed him through the whole store, not even attempting to be casual. I was annoyed by his obvious prejudice just because the man was a little different. After a few minutes, the man came to my register and bought an apple. He smelled AWFUL!!! I felt an immediate aversion to him. I wanted him out of our store as quickly as possible. I was surprised by my reaction and chastised myself for being so judgmental. Even so, when the man left, I felt a flood of relief. It felt like the sun coming out again.
This brief encounter bothered me. I began to wonder if I was really as accepting and open-minded as I thought I was. Here was a man who was a little strange and obviously poor and how had I reacted to him? With patience and love and understanding? No. I was disgusted and repelled. I saw myself a little differently after that. Maybe I was not the person I thought I was.
Although I didn't think about it all the time, I did reflect on this experience from time to time and question what kind of person I really was. I felt a little disappointed in myself...until I saw this man again. It was about 7 years later. He was on the news. I learned that his name was Brian David Mitchell. He had been arrested for kidnapping a little girl named Elizabeth Smart and holding her captive for 9 months. I knew him the moment I saw him. It had taken years for me to learn that my reaction to this man had not been from a lack of Christ-like acceptance of others. It had been a warning from the Holy Ghost to stay away.
I was stunned by this revelation. Stunned is probably not even strong enough. I was again struggling with my encounter only this time I wondered how I had so easily dismissed the warning from the Holy Ghost. How had I not recognized it for what it was?
We have become a society that teaches each other that "bad" feelings are wrong. We put so much emphasis on making other people feel good that we sometimes put ourselves in danger. There was a conversation along these lines on an Oprah show once. A young woman was assaulted because she had pushed aside the feeling to get away from a man who was asking for her help. "I should have listened" she said "I knew something wasn't right and I ignored it for the sake of politeness." They went on to discuss how often that happens. I felt sad that we as a society have become so easily duped by the Adversary.
Many years ago someone told me that "light attracts light". I have come to know that this is true. There are many references to light in the scriptures. One of my favorites is in Doctrine and Covenants 50:23-24
"And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness. That which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." Light is not only found in knowledge of God and acts of service but in people. Those who obey the commandments and are trying to follow God have light, no matter what their religion or nationality or race. Those who do not follow God do not have much light.
In recent years, I have tried to be more aware of how people make me feel. I have tried to recognize the warnings of the Spirit. I know that I have been blessed with the ability to discern good and evil, to recognize light or darkness. It is just a matter of honing that gift. I used to think that I had some deep, unconscious prejudices to certain ethnic groups. After all the people I have met from a wide range of nationalities and cultures, I know that isn't true.
I have encountered people from many walks of life who leave me feeling unsettled, disgusted, and even scared. Sometimes there is no obvious reason for the way they make me feel. I have met many others from the same backgrounds who are very comfortable to be around. They make me feel happy and content, like meeting old friends. I used to think it was about personalitites. I don't think that any more.
I still struggle sometimes to know the source of my feelings. I think that is just part of life. But after my experience with Brian David Mitchell, I tend to err on the side of caution. I have been trying to teach my children this too. I want them to recognize the warnings of the Spirit. I try not to push them to develop relationships with people that make them uncomfortable. I don't want them to be afraid. I don't want them to be rude. I also don't want them to be hurt for the sake of manners. It is tricky. I don't have it figured our yet.
I have strong feelings about loving others and accepting people despite their faults. I believe that true followers of Christ should be careful about alienating their brothers and sisters with broad accusations and words of anger and hatred. Still, I cringe at the word tolerance, especially when it is used as a weapon against people with moral values. I hate what that word has become. Oops! Did I say hate?
When I was in college, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store in Orem, Utah. I really loved this job. I was able to meet a lot of wonderful people. As a cashier, you get to see snapshots of people's lives without them even realizing it. I love to "people watch" anyway so this job was ideal for someone like me.
As content as I was to simply observer the customers, my manager was sometimes frustrated with my lack of suspicion. He seemed to see shoplifters and con artists everywhere. He even caught a few people right in front of me! He would calmly ask the teenager standing on the other side of my counter what else she was taking home that day. I was always surprised when she opened her backpack to reveal an assortment of haircare products and junk food.
Despite his seemingly cynical attitude towards our customers, I still enjoyed my job. I did not see villains and thieves, I saw generosity, frustration, and even heartache. I didn't pry. I just did my job and counted my blessings.
One day, a man came into our store in a long, thin white robe and a little white cap. He looked like he had stepped out of the Bible. He was dirty and had a scraggly beard. My boss followed him through the whole store, not even attempting to be casual. I was annoyed by his obvious prejudice just because the man was a little different. After a few minutes, the man came to my register and bought an apple. He smelled AWFUL!!! I felt an immediate aversion to him. I wanted him out of our store as quickly as possible. I was surprised by my reaction and chastised myself for being so judgmental. Even so, when the man left, I felt a flood of relief. It felt like the sun coming out again.
This brief encounter bothered me. I began to wonder if I was really as accepting and open-minded as I thought I was. Here was a man who was a little strange and obviously poor and how had I reacted to him? With patience and love and understanding? No. I was disgusted and repelled. I saw myself a little differently after that. Maybe I was not the person I thought I was.
Although I didn't think about it all the time, I did reflect on this experience from time to time and question what kind of person I really was. I felt a little disappointed in myself...until I saw this man again. It was about 7 years later. He was on the news. I learned that his name was Brian David Mitchell. He had been arrested for kidnapping a little girl named Elizabeth Smart and holding her captive for 9 months. I knew him the moment I saw him. It had taken years for me to learn that my reaction to this man had not been from a lack of Christ-like acceptance of others. It had been a warning from the Holy Ghost to stay away.
I was stunned by this revelation. Stunned is probably not even strong enough. I was again struggling with my encounter only this time I wondered how I had so easily dismissed the warning from the Holy Ghost. How had I not recognized it for what it was?
We have become a society that teaches each other that "bad" feelings are wrong. We put so much emphasis on making other people feel good that we sometimes put ourselves in danger. There was a conversation along these lines on an Oprah show once. A young woman was assaulted because she had pushed aside the feeling to get away from a man who was asking for her help. "I should have listened" she said "I knew something wasn't right and I ignored it for the sake of politeness." They went on to discuss how often that happens. I felt sad that we as a society have become so easily duped by the Adversary.
Many years ago someone told me that "light attracts light". I have come to know that this is true. There are many references to light in the scriptures. One of my favorites is in Doctrine and Covenants 50:23-24
"And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness. That which is of God is light; and he that recieveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." Light is not only found in knowledge of God and acts of service but in people. Those who obey the commandments and are trying to follow God have light, no matter what their religion or nationality or race. Those who do not follow God do not have much light.
In recent years, I have tried to be more aware of how people make me feel. I have tried to recognize the warnings of the Spirit. I know that I have been blessed with the ability to discern good and evil, to recognize light or darkness. It is just a matter of honing that gift. I used to think that I had some deep, unconscious prejudices to certain ethnic groups. After all the people I have met from a wide range of nationalities and cultures, I know that isn't true.
I have encountered people from many walks of life who leave me feeling unsettled, disgusted, and even scared. Sometimes there is no obvious reason for the way they make me feel. I have met many others from the same backgrounds who are very comfortable to be around. They make me feel happy and content, like meeting old friends. I used to think it was about personalitites. I don't think that any more.
I still struggle sometimes to know the source of my feelings. I think that is just part of life. But after my experience with Brian David Mitchell, I tend to err on the side of caution. I have been trying to teach my children this too. I want them to recognize the warnings of the Spirit. I try not to push them to develop relationships with people that make them uncomfortable. I don't want them to be afraid. I don't want them to be rude. I also don't want them to be hurt for the sake of manners. It is tricky. I don't have it figured our yet.
I have strong feelings about loving others and accepting people despite their faults. I believe that true followers of Christ should be careful about alienating their brothers and sisters with broad accusations and words of anger and hatred. Still, I cringe at the word tolerance, especially when it is used as a weapon against people with moral values. I hate what that word has become. Oops! Did I say hate?
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